KGSP Personal Statement - Combining Technology and Korean Culture

Hello. I wrote a personal statement essay for KGSP master's degree application. The description is as follows:
o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experience in relation to the KGSP
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

I would be very glad if anybody can help me review my essay. Constructive feedbacks are welcome!

my interest in Data Analytics and Korea

I was born and raised in Jakarta, Indonesia. I am the only child in my family. However, being the only child does not make me become a spoiled child and indifferent when it comes to pursuing education. My determination in pursuing good education resulted me to enroll in a reputable High School and University in Indonesia. Since I was a little, I have been interested in computer and mathematics is the subject I had most confidence with. My interest has never changed since then. Thus, I was pretty sure that Computer Science was the right major for me. Thankfully, I was admitted to Computer Science major at University of Indonesia.

Since 2009, I also have gained interest in Korean Pop culture. I love listening to Korean music, watching Korean drama and TV shows. Being a passionate person I am when it comes to the things that I love, I started learning Korean language in a Korean language academy in 2010 until 2012. After five years of doing self-study, I have joined an intermediate-level Korean language academy again in 2017 in Korean Cultural Center. I also took TOPIK-II to evaluate my Korean skills and for my purpose of pursuing master's degree in Korea.

Korea is known to be one of the countries that shows an impressive growth in Information Technology (IT). The Korean government has been very supportive in developing IT industry and IT utilization for the country since 1980. I believe Korea is the right option for me to pursue master's degree and deepen my knowledge in IT-related field. One of the IT-related field I want to specialize in for my master's degree and future career is Data Science & Analytics and its other related fields.

During college, analytics is the field that has caught my interest. I grew fond of learning about statistics that I was in charge of being a teaching assistant of Statistics and Probability course. Doing Data Analytics to identify new insights from data thrills me. Thus, my college thesis also has got anything to do with Data Analytics. It is about developing trust model that is based on social media activity data. The study case I used for my college thesis is Korean products transaction activity on social media.

There are two things that motivate me to apply for KGSP. First, I want to use both of my skills in technical field and my Korean language skills simultaneously that is by studying Data Science & Analytics in Korea. Second, Korea maintains its improvement in Information Technology and the IT sector progressively advancing. These days, many sectors are opening their eyes to utilize Big Data Analytics and the field is said to have good career prospect for the long run. It makes me think that applying for KGSP program to study in Korea is ideal for me.

I am very eager to combine both of my interest, that is Data Analytics and my knowledge related to Korea, to create something impactful in the future. I believe there is a good prospect to the combination of Information Technology and Korean Culture since Korean Culture globalization is continuously growing, including in Indonesia.

Rafika, open the essay with an immediate reference to your college studies. The current opening statement you have does not really catch the interest of the reader because it supplies unnecessary information. The prompt requirements already outlines the required information for the essay. Don't bother with unnecessary information because that could cause the reviewer to stop reading your application. So, discuss your college major, your accomplishments, your related training (the most notable one), then introduce your current profession in relation to your college major. How well have you done in your current job? How does your performance there relate to your need for higher academic training? When you explain that need, that is the point where you can introduce your college thesis. Provided it relates somehow to your work I don't see any work reference in your essay even though it is a specific requirement so you have to address that (or the reason why you don't have it) in the revised presentation.

Don't use Korean pop culture as your motivation for your interest in Korea. The K-Wave has been used for the past 4 application cycles already. It is no longer impressive to the reviewer. It is tired and the most common motivation used by students. Creating an academic or profession related reason, showing that you have done your research about what makes Korea a leader in the technological field will work best at this point.

Having a background in Hangeul and having taken the TOPIK test should be the highlight of your application. Passing the TOPIK test will catapult you to the front of the applicant list. Make sure to mention that you passed the test and what your score was. Attach a copy of the official test scores to your application as well.