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The kindness of strangers - Scholarship essay about financial need

Dorsey 1 / -  
Feb 4, 2021   #1

500-word essay which demonstrates the student's financial need and outlines an intended long-term career path.

Hi! I would like feedback on my essay. I'm also struggling to connect my paragraphs so if you have any advice it would be much appreciated!

Growing up, I have always had to rely on the kindness of strangers. It didn't occur until I was out of elementary that it was not normal how much we borrowed from others. From shoes to cars, borrowing has kept my family afloat when money has been tight. My entire first semester of college consisted of me borrowing. I had all other materials for my lecture class except the textbooks. To get around this issue, I borrowed from my friend who had the same class, but at a different time. Knowing most college students' sleeping patterns are not precisely the recommended eight hours, this timeline in which I got to borrow it varied tremendously. Setting timers and cranking out assignments like I was on an assembly line, I did as much as possible with the time I was given. Reluctant to tell my mother what I was doing, seeing as she had just finally been given overtime and was helping prepare my brother for college, who was tracking behind me. It may have seemed like my text problem was solved, but not necessarily. Although I was able to borrow this one book from this one girl, who happened to be a close friend of mine who I am eternally grateful for, I still had other classes. I applied for financial aid and was luckily able to get a few scholarships from my school. It did not cover everything, but I am grateful for it to have covered something. After getting that scholarship, I was able to pass my classes without that sort of worry. Getting my first A on a research paper for my English class felt good. When I had more attention for school, I was able to put more research into my essays and write about the way people perceive media, and it ultimately led me to become invested in child psychology. I want to combine education and animation because I know that children's media does play a part in their development.

In the transition to online learning, I still kept up with my work, yet there were times when my motivation faltered. A few months ago, my father contracted COVID-19, and since my mother worked, I had to carefully move through the thin hallways to care for him sometimes during and after class meetings. However, his encouragement to finish kept me going, and I am very grateful as I believe it has made me a more disciplined and determined person. Still, today my parents are the biggest funders of my education, and there is a financial burden on them to keep going, especially with my father recovering from his battle with COVID-19.

Receiving this scholarship will help relieve the financial strain and will not only be crucial to my funding but to my education as well. An education I will use to land a job in the animation industry and combine visual media with learning to shape future generations' formative years.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,317 3351  
Feb 4, 2021   #2
Balance the focus between financial need and the intended long term career path. You have over focused on your financial need, without including any reference of note to your career path. A better approach to this essay would be to integrate how you have managed to prepare for college, even as you have been financially strapped over the past years. Then explain how being financially strapped actually helped you develop a career path for yourself. Talk of your dreams and ambitions within a specific field and title, you cannot just refer to the animation industry because that is not the course that you will be studying in college. Talk about how the completion of the course will push your professional ambitions, while also helping improve your personal lot in life. Try to develop both topics equally because right now, only the need for a scholarship has been developed. You are missing the second part of the presentation completely.

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