Korean games. My self-introduction for KGSP it will make my dream into reality

Hello, Please comment on the essay. I think it is the best from all of my essay. It too long but I don't know which paragraph I should remove or improve. Thank in advance

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I am impressed by software development of Korea

I was a gamer and the games I play mainly belongs to Korea. Because is has high quality whether games system, models design or graphics. That made me have a passion for computer and would like to touch it all the time. Therefore, I decided to learn undergraduate in computer science just because I thought that will use computers all the time. Absolutely, I used computers as I wished but it was not fun as I expected.

I had to face the pressure because students than 50 percent moved to other divisions along with my close friends when they cannot learn many difficult subjects which is principle of software development. But I believe in myself, I more concentrated on education and learn more as much as I can. Took all my free time to attend academic activities, training and competitions. From diligence and earnestness brought me to top 3 students of major and became to advisor of students in division. This happening made me love in software development and need to know more about it.

Third years in university, I have interested in AR technology. The motivation came from Bare-Hand-Based AR Interface research of Mixed Reality Laboratory, Hanyang university. This is my start point of learning mobile development. I used my knowledge about mobile development to did my senior project for graduate. The project is fitness application on IOS, I developed it because at the time many students in university interested in fitness. So I hope the application will help them or people who interested in fitness. Also, it won Senior Projects Awards contest then has been exhibited show in university.

I got experiences which cannot find in classroom from being elected as president of major. I think extremely rewarding in this sense. It taught me about leadership, assertive, decision, responsibility, teamwork, the value of time, work with pressure, problems solving and sacrifice for the society. Also it helped me to develop my programming skills because I always develop software for support university such as lucky draw and questionnaire mobile application for reduce to use paper resources.

From academic abilities and responsibility, I had a chance representing for Software Industry Promotion Agency (SIPA) competition. Instructor told me, it just presentation concept about mobile development. Therefore, I prepared topic about AR technology. But when the competition started, We shocked because requirement of SIPA is participants must develop application or mockups under Promotion of the tourism industry's topic. Suddenly, I changed my topic and spent 5 hours for creating mockup. My concept about reduce travel packages price by when people join more the package will reduce more. I got idea from basic of human needs. I did not hope award from the competition but it got runner-up award that I got excited experience and praise from the instructor.

Last semester, I was internship at IBMSD then I joined mobile development team. Our project about mobile internet banking. Normally, I usually develop native application but the project is hybrid application. So I spent first two weeks for learn basics of it. I developed part of front-end there are barcode scanner, getting data, UI defect fixed and minification which I can did it well. But the internship that I know, I just have programming skills for achieve the requirements but not considering about performance because I lack knowledge of computer architecture, database, networks, security and software design. These things make me feel want to study postgraduate.

Currently, I work as a programmer about software development about solar cell system. Working in the company teach me to develop software for hardware and communication through networks. That made me know variety of software development and saw the importance of software in various industries such as automobile, construction, electric power and transportation. These industries have to use software for help solve complex problems and analyzing a lot of data. In the future I think the world will need more software developers. Therefore, I decided to study postgraduate major in computer and software engineering for develop my software development skills and meet these industry demands.

I specifically choose Korea because I impressed in software development of Korea since I played Korea's games. I can see the technological progress at there. Korea is the country that is growing quickly, focus on education primarily to nurturing new generation to develop country all the time. So the country will give me knowledge fully and develop me to powerful for society. In addition, Korea is a country that have high standard education, advanced in engineer and technology, the prosperity of the country and economic progress. Also, I used to attend Asia summer program (ASP). It had many Korean people participated we had chance to joined many activities together which I feel I love straightforward habit of Korean people. They are sincere and speak frankly. They taught me about Janggi, Hangul and gave me try Korean foods. That made me love all about Korea and helped me choose study in the country easily.

I decided choose Hanyang university because I have interested in Bare-Hand-Based AR Interface research. It gave me the motivation to learn about mobile development. There are subjects that cover all of my demands and will teach me about practical skills, expertise, and creative problem solving. Also, the university has many activities I wish to join such as Chuseok party, Cultural excursion and a lot of party along with Mentoring program will make me learn about Korea faster. In addition, internship program it gives me opportunities to work in Korean companies.

KGSP will help me to achieve my dreams, whether languages skill, new experiences in classroom and living, meet new friends around the world, learn Korean culture from owner, travel, opportunities for work and international training. I hope I will have chance to shared experiences from KGSP to who interest in education and Korea The scholarship will make my dreams into my real world. I am ready to start new experiences in Korea and ready to do everything for makes Korea and Hanyang university proud of me.

@nanenoiii
Hi Nanenoii,

Your essay is very interesting, your passion and interest coming through in the essay. But like you said it is way too long and you will have to follow the guideline or details provided to you to do this. I understand your wanting to say it but in a one page this is not possible.

Also, one of the requirements of a self - introduction is to talk about your family background. How their influence shaped your views about life and how this influence impacted your education. That should be the first paragraph of your essay. You haven't mentioned this and you will have too because it forms a part of what is required - self - introduction!

Best of luck

Wong, this is just a personal statement that is qualified for a college application. I believe that you have not accurately represented the required information for the KGSP self introduction letter because of a very flawed opening statement and improper focus of your content. Therefore, you will need to write a totally new essay to address the problems.

The new essay must, as Patience pointed out, show a reference to your personal background and how that relates to the person you have become. What life experiences have you had that influenced your point of view about life? How does your love for gaming translate into your hopes, wishes, and ambitions for your future and the future of your country?

Shorten your academic representation to only the college relevant information in relation to your professional life. So that means, you don't have to represent your history of love for gaming. Nor do you have to explain your high school accomplishments in such detail. You can simply say that you were a runner up during the (name of contest) competition in high school, which led to your desire to specialize in the AR field as a college student.

Your internship is not impressive because you have presented it in a very amateur manner. Try to develop a more professional presentation of the work that you did by first, naming the company you interned with, detail your actual responsibilities, and try to avoid statements like "which I can did it well". You need not explain your understanding of your abilities. Simply state your abilities with conviction. Convince the reviewer that you are actually one of the best in this field. The KGSP takes only the best students in their field of expertise to attend the program. Any sense of doubt or shortcomings in abilities will not help your application. Either you can do the job or not. There is no need to inform the reviewer about how well you think you can do something. That defeats the purpose of your application.

Work on these revisions for now and I will assess how well it blends in with the other sections of your essay. We have a long way to go with editing and revising your work. So be prepared to do this multiple times until you get it right.

@Peaches07
Thanks for your comment. I'm considering which paragraph I will remove :)

@Holt
Thank you for your comment I will improve it but I need to tell you about my reason that I wrote each paragraph thus :

paragraph 1 : I skipped my high school life because I never anything that related with my field I just play and learn. Also, I used games and some software that help me to earn money I should put it in the essay ? and How I should opening my essay ?

paragraph 2 : I intended give them about my willingness to learn and from person never know about programming become to success.

paragraph 3 : I will show how I have mobile development skills and motivation that bring me to learn mobile development, which my motivation from research Hanyang uni. I need to mention it because I will apply the application via uni. track. And I mention to my senior project because I need to give why I selected the topic and the success of my project.

paragraph 4 : I need tell them, I participated many activities and my responsibility. Actually, I need tell them I will join many activities at Korea and I can control between education and activities.

paragraph 5 : I'm not sure I should put this paragraph or not. I want tell them, I ready to face problems, not give up and I will it as much as I can.

paragraph 6 : tell about my work experiences, IBMSD is my company that I interned (Full name I give them at my CV). " I developed part of front-end there are barcode scanner, getting data, UI defect fixed and minification" this sentence is my responsibility about work.

paragraph 7 : My current work, I need to tell them I learned variety of software development and software necessary for industries along with reason I selected Computer and Software Engineering for postgraduate in Korea.

paragraph 8,9,10 : It is my reason for Korea, the university and KGSP

How do you think about purpose of each paragraph ? Now I'm trying to put about my family background.

Are you willing to listen to professional advice or are you telling me that you will not accept any advice regarding the corrections to your content because you are set in the idea that these information you presented are the only way to get into the scholarship? If you will not accept professional advice, then tell me so that I will not waste my time advising you when you do not feel that you require any changes to your content. I have had enough students here asking for advice and yet disregard it, as you did, once it is given to them. If it's not what you want to hear, then its bad advice. You have to fully understand the self introduction required information before you can even begin to draft a proper KGSP essay. This essay does not contain the proper elements for a KGSP self introduction letter. It is not useful to your application.

@Holt
Thank you very much for reminding me, I am sticking with these idea too much, because I never write essay. This is my first time for writing essay which it use for scholarship. So I research as much as I can along with ask to my friends or who that use to get scholarships. They advise me try to put it into the essay then I tried to focus it until I don't consider about KGSP required.

Now, I improved please review it again. Thank you.

Wong, the opening statement of your essay that introduces your course of life, point of view about life, and hopes and dreams for your future needs to be rewritten. I can get somewhat of an understanding of what you want to say in this paragraph. However, it comes across are confusing and definitely unclear at the moment. So do it this way instead for that paragraph.

1. Talk about your mother and what she does / did or a living.
2. Explain how seeing the hard work your mother did for you affected your mindset.
3. Talk about how realizing that you could do more to help your mother instead of just playing video games for fun.
4. Detail when you first made money through the playing of video games. Explain how this made you feel and how it helped you develop a point of view about life and how something done for fun, can also be done to help others.

5. Transition the paragraph into how these experiences helped you realize that you should go into software development for a living, which resulted in the same course that you took in college.

Focus on fixing the first paragraph for now. The other paragraphs need only minimal editing at this point so we can do those portions later.

@Holt
Okay, from your advise I fixed first three paragraphs like these

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I am only child and my parents divorced. I live with my mother and I have seen her work hard everyday whether house work, freelance work, overtime work and private business. I wanted to lighten the burden of her as much as I can. (...)

Do not mention Hanyang University in the third paragraph. The university track discussion should be placed further at the bottom of the page. The topmost paragraphs should be answering the important guide questions first. While that was a mistake that can be corrected, it did not have an adverse effect on your earlier declarations so the first 2 paragraphs developed well in terms of reflecting the instructions I gave you. The first two paragraphs may be left as is for now. I know want you to focus on the professional background. Name the company that you are working for and explain why you believe that the world will need more software developers in the future. That line of reasoning will be the motivating factor behind your desire to enroll in this particular line of masters degree studies.

@Holt
Thank you, Now I edited like these :
Paragraph 1,2 :Is it okay ? I not fixed.
Paragraph 3 : I just removed name of university and lab.
Paragraph 4 : not fixed.
Paragraph 5 : I fixed into this

"Currently, I work at Leonics Co., Ltd as programmer about solar cell system. Working here teach me to develop software for receive data from hardware and communication through networks. That made me know variety of software development and understand the importance of software in various industries such as automobile, construction, electric power and transportation. Software can help these industries to solve complex problems and analyzing large data. Software developers will be needed in the world more and more. Because in the present software is more complex then require developers for analysis, monitoring, and software development to help. In the future, new technologies will increases and software developers are necessary to help more moderns. Therefore, computer and software engineering course will develop me to meet industry demands"

Paragraph 6,7,8 : I still not fix

How do you think about paragraph 5 that I fixed and last 3 paragraph ?

Thank you again for help me :)

Paragraphs 1 and 2 do not need to be fixed so do not touch it. I already told you in the previous thread that those two paragraphs are fine. In paragraph 4, the one above, you have to fix the sentence that starts with "Because". You cannot use the word "Because" to start a sentence because the term is used to connect 2 sentences into one idea. Such as what I did in the previous sentence. You can add this paragraph to the other, already approved paragraphs once you fix the sentence that I pointed out. I need to read the rest of the paragraphs that you are working on before I can tell you if those paragraphs are ready or not. How soon do you think you will get those done? It would be best if you present the remaining paragraphs altogether so that I can tell you if the transition is smooth and clear enough for the reader to understand.

@Holt
Okay, This is my latest essay.
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I am only child and my parents divorced. I live with my mother and I have seen her work hard everyday whether house work, freelance work, overtime work and private business. I wanted to lighten the burden of her as much as I can. (...)

In reference to your university course, please mention the name of your university and the course that you earned a degree in. This will serve as the cornerstone of your academic background and give more credence to your information about your college learning experiences. That is the only weak part of your academic background presentation. The rest of the discussions are relevant to the prompt requirements and properly delivers the necessary information that will help the reviewer to consider your statement alongside your application documents. I believe that this essay is almost ready for use. You just have to address the lacking information in your academic background as I pointed out earlier. After you do that, I will review the essay one more time in order to determine its readiness for submission. I have a good feeling that the revision I am requesting that you do will be the last revision that needs to be done on this essay.

@Holt
Thank you very much, I improved it and I will post study plan soon.