"A Latin-American" - Scholarship/college essay

The prompt just states: Describe your career plans, goals and personal ambitions. I need help with the corrections I will gladly appreciate it. Thanks so much!

HERE IT GOES:

Since youth, I have wanted to become a successful businesswoman in order to sponsor non-profit organizations. I always liked volunteering on trips, and participating in civic activities from cleaning parks to discussions about violence in my surrounding neighborhoods. Environmental racism and human rights are both major areas of interest to me. My passion has grown since my middle school years and now I would like to put my goals into action. Obtaining the John Gayles Education Award presents an opportunity to help me finance my education as well as showing my enthusiasm for a fruitful future.

As my high school graduation approached I knew college would be the next major step in my life. Looking back at the past four years of my high school career reflected many of my accomplishments as a person and a student. I realized the reason to have rigorous academics in order for students reach their ultimate goal of graduation. Setting goals for the future became part of my agenda on a daily basis. Once I entered college I began to expand my horizons because of the many opportunities presented to me. I participated as an active member in the Latino Organization and attended most of the events. In one of our meetings, with an environmental group on campus, I learned how much our world suffered from pollution and the danger of scarce resources. I began investigating internships and wanted to pursue an internship that advocates for less toxic waste and cleaner water. Furthermore, I learned about many urban areas having a high percentage of waste sites and many groups that are fighting against it. With more experience in this area, a goal of mine would be to participate in cleaning up the city and spreading the message of the problems our environment faces if people do not change. I would like to attain a minor for Political Science. I will pursue this minor in order to learn more about the government within the United States. My goal is to successfully help petition in the areas of my interest. To gain more experience in the human rights area, I want to attain an internship in Washington DC that consists of immigration issues and environmental racism as well.

Another important goal is obtaining a high GPA, since taking a spot on the Dean's list, my first semester. I like being an over-achiever and in result proving to myself that I do have the ability of taking a challenge. Moreover, I will take all introductory courses in business and take courses needed for a job in the non-profit sector. Also, attending a university that has a coop program will help me gain experience in the non-profit field. My future career will take place in a non-profit organization. I would preferably want to be involved in non-profit management in order to help in building up the ideal organization. Reaching for an MBA in Non-Profit management is a lifetime goal I yearn to achieve. I would like this option to better my ability in serving the community through non-profit work.

Because of my passion of community service, I enjoy assisting successful organizations that help in the aid of people in need. Coming from immigrant parents has molded my ideas as to what I wanted as a career. My parents had to deal with discrimination because of economic and language barriers, and because they were from another culture. Moreover, being part of the first generation in my family to go to college has also pushed me to promote social change. The results I want to create are high-level policy changes across the United States. I want to become one of the most influential Hispanic businesswomen that stress for the change needed in our society.

You are clearly a very strong candidate for a scholarship. What sort of scholarship is it? If it is intended for particular students or for students interested in particular subjects, be sure to highlight the ways that you match the criteria for the award.

Two things stand out for me: (1) Your engagement in a variety of socially and environmentally-conscious causes, and (2) the barriers that you have faced in reaching your educational goals. Of these, the first makes you stand out most, because many people who apply for scholarships have faced barriers. So, my first piece of advice would be to replace your currently somewhat dull first sentence with a sentence that immediately tells the reader that this is a student who is already working for social and environmental justice and who will use this scholarship to move forward with that kind of work. Then go on, as you already do, to identify yourself as Latina/o and talk about your pride in your culture and the difficulties of being the first generation.

(By the way, I notice in that first paragraph that it is unclear whether you are the first generation in the United States or the first generation to pursue higher education -- be sure to specify which.)

On the question of writing, your grammar is generally good but you have a tendency to leave out commas. Commas are the equivalent of pauses in speech. When you leave them out, it makes your words run together as if a person were speaking without taking a breath. I notice that you tend to leave out the comma that should follow an introductory clause: "As my high school graduation approached," "Once I entered college," etc. Watch out for that in this essay and in your future writing.

Finally, let me say that I really hope you get this scholarship. Many students are active in causes, but too few understand how all of the issues -- race, poverty, pollution, animals, etc. -- are linked. We need more people like you in non-profit management!

I don't like that first sentence. It is the kind of sentence that makes people turn off their attention, because it is so general. Maybe you should replace it with something very specific. Also, in that next sentence, perhaps you could mention some quality of your culture that makes you proud (i.e. show, don't tell).

In general, the first paragraph seems very disjointed, because I see now that each sentence is about a different topic. You should try to revise in a way that leads the reader along. I know that seems hard in moments when you're not inspired, but the right approach will come to you in time. Choose one idea, one experience that you want to make the reader have, and don't include sentences that will not contribute to creating that experience.

As my high school graduation approached I knew college would be the hurdle I was encouraged to surpass. This is a statement of the obvious, and it is not very interesting. However, don't be discouraged. You have the potential here for a great essay. Revise with the reader in mind. Make it your intention to create an experience for the reader.

I really like the whole second half of the essay. I like the certainty of your tone. You have the makings of a great essay, but revise for specificity. Make it something that is interesting to read. This is a big challenge, because this sort of essay requires you to talk all about yourself -- and that is the quickest way to bore other people. Yet, you have to write about yourself! So, it is very hard, but you can soothe the reader with your rhythm and your humor; you can make an essay that enthralls.

What type of scholarship are you applying for? Some are founded by people who have very specific purposes in mind. So, some scholarships are set up to fund people who are very active in the community, or who have achieved very well academically, or who have dire financial need, or who are facing specific social barriers to higher education, and so on. So, if at all possible, find out what the point of the specific scholarship you are applying for is, and tailor your application to that. At the moment, you have a lot of good points, but you jump about from your financial needs, to your community work, to your academic goals, back to your community work, then some more on other barriers you have faced. If you are writing a general letter, it's okay to include all of that, but you should still probably decide which point is most important, and make all of the others tie in to that somehow. I'd probably go with "Community service," in that case, as you touch on it twice anyway, and your goal of getting an MBA in non-profit management ties into that fairly naturally. You might then move your discussion of the barriers your parents faced to the beginning, to talk about how that inspired you to become involved in community involvement.

That would give you a structure something like this:

A) family barriers (inspired interest in community service)
B) community service I have already done
C) desire to get an MBA (to better my ability to serve the community through non-profit work)

You'd be able to keep most of what you have now -- you'd just be moving things around a bit and polishing your transitions.

The scholarship is for US citizens, so its a general scholarship. I have done a few revisions to the the paper, and would like to see if there is a definite improvement. HERE IT GOES AGAIN!

Some grammar fixes:

I always liked volunteering on trips, and participating in civic activities from cleaning parks

I had learned how much our world suffered from pollution

I hadbegan investigating into internships

As to substance, I'd like you to foreground your interest in the environment -- which is a hot topic (pun intended -- global warming) these days -- by mentioning this in your introduction or conclusion. If you have a particular interest in environmental racism, do say so explicitly, as this is an area in which funders are particularly interested these days.

Good luck!

I think I am close to the complete final draft for my career plan, goals, and personal ambitions essay, this is the last revision i need and then I am done.

Since I was a child

Good job. Now, go through and remove excessive words that clutter your message.
Read through every sentence carefully, removing anything you don't need and asking "can I say it more shortly?" For example:

Because of my passion of community service, I enjoy assisting successful organizations that help in the aid of people in need. Coming from immigrant parents has molded my ideas as to what I wanted as a career goals .