I am applying for Chevening scholarship for 2017/2018 entry. I need your help in reviewing my essays
Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer. (minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)
According to Ronald Reagan, the greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things; he is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things. I am a perfect character depicted in the statement above. I was in my freshman year at the University of Benin, still getting used to the new world of challenges and opportunities, when I had my first experience with leadership.
After a class session on Thermal Physics and Properties of Matter, the class was divided into six groups by the course coordinator. Each of the ten-man group was assigned a topic for an experiment which must be submitted in a fortnight. Prior to being elected, unopposed, as the leader in my group, I have always made important contributions in a rather explicit manner during class hours. I believe my outstanding communication skill was one of the reasons my election defied any form of opposition. My group was meant to demonstrate the impact of energized particles on a static body. As the group leader, I developed three strategies through which I ensured that, while influencing my team to fully participate in the experiment, all activities met deadline and at a lowest possible cost.
Firstly, I captured the interest of each member by giving the methodology a code name-Project Elrond. Although "Project Elrond" is hypothetic, it describes three simulations I designed with balloon which preceded the main experiment. Secondly, I split the team into three man subgroups and assigned a simulation to each subgroup while I oversaw all simulations for final decision making. Lastly, I reunited the subgroups and proceeded with the main experiment using the procedure demonstrated in the best simulation. Consequently, while three out of the six groups failed to meet the deadline for report submission, my group not only beat the clock, it won the best presentation and most cost effective experiment. Overall, I was named the most creative group leader.
Furthermore, on 27th September 2013, during my penultimate year in school, I was elected president of National Association of Plant Biology and Biotechnology Students. During my tenure in the office, I motivated students to participate in community service by organizing a biotechnology outreach tagged "Environmental Biotechnology: the Lifeline of Sustainable Development in the 21st Century". It was a three-day outreach which attracted the sponsorship of Fidelity Bank, First Bank of Nigeria Plc, MTN Nigeria, Indomie Noodles, and Edo State Environmental and Waste Management Board. My team and I visited and delivered seminars at some industries such as Guinness Nigeria Plc, Dangi Industries Limited, and Freedom Group Limited. We particularly emphasized the implication of releasing untreated wastes and hazardous chemicals into the environment, and highlighted the benefits of employing microorganisms in waste management.
Obviously, I have not attained the pinnacle of leadership neither have I given up on my vision of becoming a policy maker in Nigeria. Ultimately, being a Chevening alumnus is the gateway in making my dream a reality.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,529 3444
Okoye, do you by any chance have a more professional and less academic example of leadership and influence that you can use for this essay? I do not mean to belittle your current work but the truth is, while the essay is impressive, it is only impressive in a collegiate sort of way. It does not present you as a responsible professional whose career push includes leadership roles. Honestly speaking, your essay will be up against the most experienced professionals in various fields whose resume and essays will be more notable than yours. So it is important to make sure that your essay can compete with those applicants. Right now, it is impressive, but not in a manner that will help you win the scholarship. If you can revise it using more impressive credentials, then it will be able to perform its task of helping you get into consideration for the grant. Right now, this essay will not accomplish that.
Maybe we can do something with the part about the organization you were elected president of. It sounds truly more professional sounding, even though it was something you did in college, than the project you previously indicated. I hope that you will take my suggestions under consideration. I really want to see you compete and hopefully win that scholarship.