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'I listened to the lyrics' - 100th page of my autobiography



piggytails626 2 / 7  
Dec 30, 2008   #1
I need to add about 600 more words to this. I really would like some critiques please! If you have any ideas please let me know :)

I listened to the lyrics. How quickly the words flew into my ears, prancing through my mind with the grace of a Cumbian dancer. "Siento algo que me mueve. Un ritmo que me hace bailar", the beautiful voice said to me. I swayed with the crowd, fully understanding the Spanish expressions that rolled through the thick, hazy air. It was hard to believe that I was actually in Colombia, not to mention my most recent months spent traveling across the globe. The heavy smell of gasoline and rain reminded me of Richmond.

I stepped out onto the terrace, glimpsing at the darkening sky and ogling the palm embellished skyline. I then noticed how casually dressed everyone was, maybe I was at the wrong address. No, there were too many familiar faces here. A few people greeted me with the traditional kiss on the cheek and a quick hello. I couldn't help but admire how rhythmically the women's hips moved to the beat. The way the men led in a salsa dance was powerful yet elegant. I stood along the edge of the festivity, watching the blinking strobe lights transform the shadow of movement into people and back again.

Someone in the swarm of bodies snatched my arm, the flashing lights revealing to me a slender brunette woman. It was just Marcela, a lovely girl from the island of Santa Marta. We had met years ago and she was presently my business associate as well as good friend. She towed me through the pulsing mass of dancers, clumsily shoving a few people along the way. I found myself in the center of the crowd; the lights went out and the music stopped. A tall mustached man came into the room carrying what looked like a large package above his head. Once he reached Marcela, the people around me began to chant, "Feliz cumpleanos a ti, feliz cumpleanos a ti". It was the Spanish translation of the Happy Birthday song.

"I was supposed to be here on business", I said laughing. She simply threw her hands up, shrugging her shoulders, as if to say `I don't know. It wasn't me!'. We were here for our newly founded photography and graphic design studio, K & M Photography and Design. Marcela and I had many connections throughout Colombia that were helping our business soar. When we met, Marcela was a transfer student who came from her hometown to study business at Virginia Commonwealth University. I was a freshman looking to major in graphic design. We happened to be in the same inquiry class. Marcela and I bonded immediately, even with the slight language barrier.

"We can take one night off for your birthday can't we?" she said quirkily. The party tonight was supposed to be a formal event concerning K & M, so my attire bore a professional feel that was unnatural in my current setting. I looked down at my stiletto heels, blushing a bit for disregarding my own birthday. "All right but we have to make sure to have that paperwork to Mr. Rincon by Monday and to return the call from Chrome Imaging about the..." I went on, only to be cut off by Marcela's reassuring tone. "Korrin, you know that we are weeks ahead on our paper work and all the orders have been sent for printing. Let's just enjoy the night!" She had always been so laidback, even hippy-like, which was very uncommon for a business major. That's probably why we have always worked so well together, because our personalities balance each other out.

The gigantic cake was presented to me with twenty-eight flickering candles. I shifted towards the towering desert and closed my eyes, attempting to make a wish. But what else could I possibly ask for? My business was taking off splendidly, my family and friends healthy, and I've never been so happy, besides I was much too old for this. So without a wish, I blew out every purple candle, hoping that my future would be as great as my present and past.

n00bl3t 3 / 30  
Dec 30, 2008   #2
..."Siento algo que me mueve. Un ritmo que me hace bailar," ...

Your comma was outside the quotation marks. I think you did splendid on this.
Sasoo 1 / 2  
Dec 30, 2008   #3
I think the imagery is breathtaking. I read your essay with more interest than many novels that I have read... and with a good reason: your diction and dialogue are so seamlessly incorporated into the essay.

And what college is this? Usually an essay of this length is enough for any sort of "1 page in my biography" deal. If you add 600 words to the essay, wouldn't be 2-3 pages instead of one?
OP piggytails626 2 / 7  
Dec 30, 2008   #4
Thank you for your input!! :)
It's a scholarship essay for VCU. The prompt was confusing to me. It said "Please submit a one- to two-page essay (approximately 1,500 words)" I figured I would do about 1000 words or so just to be on the safe side. What I have so far is almost two pages but only 700 words... =/

can anyone help me out with grammar?
and if anyone is a fluent spanish speaker, could you double check my accuracy?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 31, 2008   #5
The heavy smell of gasoline and rain reminded me of Richmond.nice sentence!

I stepped out onto the terrace, glimpsing the darkening sky and ogling the palm embellished skyline.

I stood along the edge of the festivities , watching the blinking strobe lights transform the shadow of movement into people and back again.

"We can take one night off for your birthday can't we?" she asked quirkily.

She had always been so laid back , even hippy-like, which was very uncommon for a business major.

Um, I think your true calling is that of a writer.

Great essay.

:)
OP piggytails626 2 / 7  
Jan 2, 2009   #6
Thank you so much for all of your help!!
:)
lattent 4 / 30  
Jan 2, 2009   #7
The only thing that I'd say is a bit (and really its nothing) awkward in Spanish is the happy birthday part. My family says. "te deseamos un feliz cumpleanos" but we are mexican so that may be why its different. But great essay I really enjoyed it :)
jh3492 - / 2  
Jan 3, 2009   #8
this is a really good essay, beautifully written. it gives the reader a good sense of who you are. i wish i had your talent :)


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