A LITTLE GIRL WITH A BIG DREAM - Self of Introduction, KGSP 2017

Hello! I'm applying for 2017 KGSP Scholarship and I need to write self of introduction.
This is my first time, I have no idea about my grammar, structure and I don't know how make it completely easy to understand. Can you please review it for me? Thank you!

A LITTLE GIRL WITH A BIG DREAM

I have born with two brothers, older and younger. It makes me thinking so rationally, and since my parents have a relationship problem, I found my mother so independent then here I am, I grew to be a rational and very independent woman.

On my 2nd year of college, I'm being the leader for Assemblage of Architecture's Student which is so rare for woman. I realized that I have strong ambitions and become person who wants to solve everything. Sometimes, it grows to my weakness. But not just that, I'm addicted to working in a team. Being a leader make me learn how to make the best option, not the perfect one but the best than other alternative. From this case, I acquire to apply the system into my life, rather than disappoint if there is no one perfect, I choose the best option which has lesser negative think. In the same year, I use to join for redaction of university's newsletter. I love to write and design some layout so I start from being reporter, editor and the final is being a setter (someone who arranged the final layout for each page). Become reporter lead me to deal with people, growing my communication skill to every age and all profession.

My personalities take me to engineering world that need more realistic analysis than a feeling. During my study on Architecture Engineering major, I found my passion for building science which is talking about energy and materials that affect to the building and environment. As my concern on green building and the requirement of it on the future, I want to continue my study on that field.

From 7th semester I take a part for being assistant lecturer, and from this semester I take the subject that I want to focus on, Materials Technology, Building Physic and Architecture and Energy. Be a part for that subjects confirm my desire for study about Energy and Materials Engineering, I want to learn how to maximizing technology for renewable energy but compatible with culture and materials where it is build. I have ever join service learning program in Rote, the southernmost island in Indonesia, and my supervisor always told us that we must contribute for a better things not create a truly new one which the community doesn't feel familiar. By considering what community work on and what materials do exist are create sustainable system.

The main reason why I want to study in Korea is not far from my experience. For my undergraduate degree, I got scholarship from Scranton's Women Leadership Center who based on Seoul. Since that, I have a big attention for Korea. I got scholarship for the two last year for my degree, two years too I have searching about Korea and how life is going on there. In my view, Korea is one of the developed countries in Asia who has many building and department or company who used work in energy or materials engineering field. Not only that, the chance I visit Korea on 2016 made me sure I must to learn there. Korea has culture that similar to Indonesia. In my 24 years life on Indonesia, I understand very much how some culture affect the system is going on. I'm very excited to know how Korean build something modern and makes it going smoothly and correctly without neglect the traditional culture.

I have born grew up with two brothers...
It makes me thinking so rationally,(...), I found my mother is so independent ...

On my 2nd second year of college, I'm being became the leader for of Assemblage of Architecture Student's (...) opportunity for a woman.
... ambitions and become a person who wants ...
Sometimes, it grows to can evolve to be my weakness. But not just that Additionally, I'm I am (use unshorted writing in a formal text) addicted ...

Being a leader makes me learn how to make the best options, not the perfect (...) other alternatives.
..., rather than being disappointed if there is no one (...) best option with less negative thoughts. In the same year, I use to joined for redaction ...

... I start from being a reporter, editor and the final is eventually being a setter ...
Become a reporter lead (...), growing developing my communication skill with people from all ages and professions.

... realistic analysis than a feeling.
... materials that affect to the building ...

From 7th semester I have been taking a part as an assistant lecturer, ...
I have ever joined a community ...

supervisor always told us that we must [...] exist are create sustainable system.
this is a confusing sentence, I dont really understand what you are trying to say.

... study in Korea is not far from related to ...
... Leadership Center who which is based in Seoul.
..., two years too (?) I have searched information ...
... not only that (Additionally), the chance I visit Korea on 2016 made me sure I must to learn there a chance of visiting ...

Hi elizabethnovi, I have evaluated your essay and it seems that you need to work on your grammar. I am also an Indonesian and I understand that many people often says grammar is not really important. But It is very important, do not actually need huge effort to learn the basics, and it will help us a lot in expressing sentences properly.

And I think you may improve your essay by putting more information about what you want to be or what professional career you want in the future.

Cheers, Goodluck for the KGSP!

@elizabethnovi
Hi Novi.
Firstly, I think you should revise your first paragraph first before we can go further because I don't see any relations between how you was born and the shaping process of your personality.

I reckon, you should provide a clear explanation if you want to tell how was your personality shaped (e.g. what life moment that makes you more aware about rational thinking, etc.) and I suggest you removing the reference of your family's relationship problem because I think it will be better if we provide the positive information in our essay.

Please revise it first while we can wait other suggestions from better experts here.

Elizabeth, while I applaud the openness of your essay and the informative manner that you presented the development of your interest in Architecture, it would be best that you set this essay aside for a personal statement requirement. You see, the KGSP program is very specific in its requirements and not all of the content of your letter is appropriate for it.

For instance, your family background is not inspiring. It is instead, negative and delivers too much personal information that the reviewer doesn't need to know about. Your course of life should be just that, a discussion of how you evolved into the person you are today, without bad mouthing anybody from your past. Koreans have such high regard for their parents and elders that speaking about your mother in this manner could adversely affect your application.

If your mother is independent, then discuss that in greater detail. Explain how her independence is reflected in your own life and how it helped you to create a specific point of view about the abilities of a woman. Relate that point of view to your dreams and wishes for your own life, that is something that you were not really able to touch on because your first paragraph was too short in discussion development.

Your academic discussion is very enlightening. However, it seems to lack a real world application. A service learning program does not take the place of professional workplace experience in that it does not explain the kind of post college training you have received that will help you to better perform as a graduate student. Is there a chance that you can present some sort of professional experience that shows how you perform your duties and how it relates to the masters degree you have chosen to enroll in?

Overall, this is an essay that needs to be further edited for content in order to remove the personal statement feel. However, you need to fill in the blanks first with regard to required information so that a more appropriate content editing procedure can be applied. Hope to help you do that with your next version of this essay.