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Scholarship Essay, a love of writing and education



mckyle 1 / 1  
Feb 20, 2009   #1
Prompt:
A 500-word statement from the student describing his/her particular interest in the program, what he/she thinks he/she might contribute, why he/she

wishes to study his/her selected subjects, and his/her long-term educational goals.


It all started in second grade. That was when I wrote my first story, my first real story. It was about a snowman and his short-lived winter fun. That story started a snowball effect that would continue for many years to come: a love of writing and education. I am certain the Oxbridge experience will nourish these loves. It will also facilitate the exchange of diverse political, intellectual, and social views and experiences while broadening my views on educational pedagogy and systems and strengthening my plans for a future in secondary education.

By studying literature through this prestigious program, I will gain advanced insight into the world of writing, analysis, and interpretation. Marrying this coursework with history courses will provide a contextual understanding-combining the historical events of an era with its most famous writings-that will serve me well in my future career and offer an invaluable opportunity that is rarely available (especially to students my age)..

The Oxbridge experience will also afford the opportunity to share my understanding of the world and my culture while learning about those of others at the program. When I went to the Junior National Young Leaders Conference (JrNYLC), I was shocked by the many different cultures present in the United States alone. Not only did the way people spoke and acted intrigue me, but my distinctly Southern way of life was a surprise to many others there. While we joked and laughed about this, everyone benefited from seeing the different aspects of our nation in some way or the other. This sharing of customs on an international level is one of the most important things I can give to and take away from Cambridge on a much larger scale than that of JrNYLC. I hope to share as much about my culture and my current education and world perspective as I learn from other participants. This exchange would not only improve my appreciation in the present, but my understanding and decision-making throughout my future as well.

Few students get the chance to engage in coursework at a renowned institution like Cambridge, one of the top intellectual centers in the world. While there, I hope to learn nuances of educating from those who are experts in their fields. In my own teaching career, experiences from the Oxbridge program will be invaluable, creating stories to capture my students' attention, giving me background knowledge on material we discuss, and providing me a deeper insight into the world's diversity.

Being allowed to participate in the Cambridge experience will have a profound positive effect on me and all those I encounter. Through coursework, I will tune my interests and career aspirations; through interactions with others from diverse backgrounds, my and their world-views will be altered; through experiencing different educational paradigms, my future practice will be improved and, thereby, the education of future generations. I believe this is a significant opportunity for improving my future and impacting everyone whose path I cross.

All suggestions are greatly appreciated :)

OP mckyle 1 / 1  
Feb 20, 2009   #2
It's too wordy, probably repetitive and the vocabulary's "Fake". I know. I need suggestions on how to IMPROVE that.

(Couldn't find EDIT button. Sorry!)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Feb 21, 2009   #3
Hey, no, this is very nice, but it get's boring about here: The combination of this discipline with various history course...

Also, the first sentence is WAY weak. Not going to capture any attention. Hey, can you reflect right now, this moment, on the most powerful lesson of your life, and then look at the essay.. and see how they relate!! Then, make that your opening sentence. I hope it fits!!!!

THEN, at the point of the start of that sentence I quoted above... give an anecdote instead and see if that works better. Generally, though, you write like a seasoned human, someone with real insight.
EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Feb 21, 2009   #4
Your writing involves a high level of diction, which is good, and general grasp of grammar and appropriate academic writing style, which is better. However, as Kevin says, your essay is pretty darn dull. It's not going to make you stand out from all of the other scholarship applicants. Try cutting back on your word count. I suspect you could say everything you have said at the moment in about half the space, if you really wanted to. Start by cutting out all the "I believe"s in your work -- it's your essay, whose beliefs would it be expressing, if not yours?


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