"I am a low-income student." - Statement of need for financial assistance

Hi, all. I just finish this statement. Please help me correct it and give me some suggestions. I will greatly appreciate your help. Thank you so much.

I am in need of financial assistance in order to attend college because I am a low-income student. I am the 1st child to attend the college. Although my parents gave me many supports, I received a limited financial assistance due to low family income. To reduce family burden, I took out student loans to pay for my tuitions. Meanwhile, I am working 19 hours per week on campus to support myself. However, with the increasing tuitions this year, I am facing more challenges on financial need. As a senior in Petroleum Engineering, I wish to spend more time on my major courses because these courses are cores of my major and crucial in my future career. Unfortunately, financial burden may lessen my time on mastering the courses. Therefore, I would greatly appreciate a helping hand so that I can successfully obtain my engineering degree.

Awarding this scholarship will make great contribution to my study in Louisiana State University. This scholarship would allow me to work less and focus more on my studies. Meanwhile, this scholarship will support me to do more on community service and explore my potential in assisting the needs of people. Furthermore, receiving this scholarship will give me more opportunities to attend the conference and expose to newly developed technology. Additionally, awarding this scholarship would further motivate me to pursue academic excellence.

Therefore, I wish to obtain this scholarship to finish my degree successfully.

I am the 1st first child to attend the college. Although my parents gave me many much supports , I received a limited financial assistance ...
... loans to pay for my tuitions . Meanwhile, I am working work 19 hours per week ...
However, with the increasing tuitions this year, I am facing more financial challenges on financial need .
... my major courses because these courses they are cores of my ...

Meanwhile, this scholarship will support allow me to do more on community service and ...

If there you still have room to write more, then I would emphasize how receiving this scholarship will help you focus on your studies. For example, you could say that if you have to work less, you could use the time to go to professors for help, or join academic study groups. Be as specific as possible in how the money would be of use to you. Best of luck!

@tlin2008

Hello tlin2008. I'm hoping my advice will be helpful for you

"I am the 1st child to attend the college..."
** What importance does being the first child in your family to attend college have in respect to needing financial assistance? I'd like to recommend you consider rephrasing this, putting more importance on the support your family has given you (specify one or two types of support). You may then briefly include a small statement on how you are the ONLY child of your family to attend college because of the financial burden it imposes.

"This scholarship would allow me to work less and focus more on my studies. Meanwhile, this scholarship will support me ..."
** I'd recommend you consider what you are saying here. Work less to focus more on studies, yet more time to do more community service. This seems to be a contradiction. It might be better to state that without the pressure and demand to work, you can focus on your studies and maintaining a balanced university life through volunteering.

Overall tlin, I'd recommend you draw out a skeleton of your essay and restructure it to add more flow. This is important for the reader to really understand your message. Perhaps start with your program and why you'd like to continue studying, the reason why you need financial assistance, how this will benefit you in your studies and in the future.

** If possible, I'd also recommend you add the prompt or essay question to really help users see what you are being asked.

Best of luck,
Chris

Lin, are you implying in this statement that you are planning to stop working in your part time job so you can focus solely on your studies? Is that the reason why you are applying for this scholarship? Please keep in mind that your application will be more impressive if you reassure the committee that you will continue to work as many hours as possible while studying. The scholarship should only act as a support in order to fill in the financial gap that will be created by your cut back hours due to your concentration on your studies. Scholarship committees like to hear about students who work their way through college. Even as you have student loans to pay off and scholarships to help you, the fact that you are going to continue working in some capacity shows them that you are a self starter who will accept help from others but prefers to support himself whenever possible.

I noticed that you did not indicate your parents income in this statement. Are you already supplying their income forms as part of your application documents? If you are, then there is no need to become specific about their source of income in this essay. However, if you are not submitting their documents, then you need to further expand on the explanation as to why their income is not enough to help support you even as you work part time to help offset your educational costs.