Marine NROTC Scholarship- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer.

Full Prompt- Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Marine Officer. Specifically comment on leadership positions you've held, the challenges you have faced and the lessons you have learned. (Limit 2500 characters)

Becoming a Marine Corps Officer through the NROTC Scholarship is ideal because it combines the use of my ambition, volunteerism, and hunger for knowledge. College appealed to me in the way that the American dream might appeal to a new arrival. But as I looked, I began to wonder about giving back to my country as thanks for the gift of freedom. The colleges I looked at focused on the idea of gaining success for myself. So I chose the Marines and scheduled a meeting with a recruiter. It was the best decision I ever made. The idea of giving back while feeding my ambition and growing as a person through an elite service was amazing, and I found it with this scholarship.

I would call myself a leader because that is what I have evolved into. My peers look to me when they think of someone who is a friend and leader. I believe that being approachable and knowledgeable are aspects of leadership. Those ideals developed through my experiences, along with others.

As a student at New Technology High School, I was expected to lead. Each student always has that one group where no one else is willing to step up and take charge. That's when I realized that if I wanted to succeed, stepping up to lead was going to be a huge part of my life. Giving presentations in front of actual business owners, being featured in newspapers for personal or project accomplishments, and giving speeches are all part of being a New Tech student and a leader.

To succeed at Girls State, you had to be willing to put yourself out there for people to see. Participating in that week taught me more about how to be a leader that I thought possible. I also learned first-hand the stress and diplomacy required to campaign. During Girls State, I campaigned for and won positions for City Attorney, County Coroner, and one of seven Supreme Court Justices.

Searching for advanced opportunities was something I worked on alone. I would search for programs, volunteer opportunities, ways to gain college credits, and various scholarships. I learned independence, and the ability to search for opportunity through this experience.

- Can you expand upon this thought? Why didn't the idea of gaining success for yourself appeal to you as much as going into the service of your country? What was it that the recruiter said that cemented your choice of entering school to become a marine officer?


- You need to provide solid examples of how you provided leadership in these instances in order to provide evidence of your leadership skills.


- Again, examples are needed here to present your political leadership abilities which is an important trait of a military officer.


- This would be an excellent paragraph to present the obstacles you encountered and explain how you overcame them using leadership abilities.
With only 2500 characters to state your case, you should use more examples of your leadership abilities rather than simply giving generalized statements about it. The admissions officer needs to have an idea of the kind of leader you are. That is not very evident in your current statement.

IHaile, I have some suggestions and revision markings for you to accomplish in the new version of your essay. It is getting polished. You write well so with proper guidance, only a few more tweaks will be required (if at all) before this paper will be ready for submission :-)


- I would like to suggest changing a part of this paragraph. " The thought of continuing my education would have been laughable. When I inquired at the Marine Officer recruiting office about the possibility of signing up, I was informed that not only could I sign up, but I could continue my education as well. That was all I needed to hear. The Marine Officer School would be the best of both worlds for me. I would get to serve my country and receive the equivalent of a college degree at the end of my schooling." I just felt a need to merge the two separate sentences into one thought that would create a strong impression of you as a future officer.

To succeed at Girls State, you had to be willing to put yourself out there for people to see.

- You should explain what Girls State is all about just in case the admissions officer is not familiar with the program. A quick explanation will do.


- The prompt states that you have to be very specific about this part. So mention a few and include the leadership lessons and other lessons that you learned from the experience.


- .. ever done ...

I spotted a few portions where we can add important information.


- As participant at Girls State, I learned that one must be willing to put herself... Instead, I made myself available to everyone who needed me by getting to know the other girls and listening to their problems and making appropriate suggestions to help them as we shared our lunch meals.


\
- Why did you have to do it alone? A short explanation will suffice.


- You need to explain the basis of your participation in these organizations for the sake of those unfamiliar with them. Short overviews, nothing complex.
Don't worry about going over the character count at this time. We can shorten the statements without affecting your message in the paragraph after :-)

Thank you so much, seriously. :) You are probably the best person in the universe right now.
Becoming a Marine Corps Officer through the NROTC Scholarship is ideal because it combines the use of my ambition, volunteerism, and hunger for knowledge. College appealed to me in the way that the American dream might appeal to a new arrival. But as I looked, I began to wonder about giving back to my country as thanks for freedom. In my parents' home country, the thought of continuing my education would have been laughable. When I inquired at the Marine recruiting office about enlisting, I was informed about the opportunity to sign up and continue my education as well. That was all I needed to hear, because the NROTC scholarship would be the best of both worlds for me.

Being a leader is more than just being in charge. It means that I'm willing to face adversity for myself and for others. As a student at New Tech High School, I am expected to have a high work ethic, with good collaboration and communication skills. These qualities are put into action when I am paired with a partner or put into a group. Instead of doing the work while letting the others slack off, I assign tasks and push them until we've completed the project together.

As participant at Girls State, I learned that one must be willing to put herself out there for people to see. Girls State is a week-long program that involves emulating and learning about the government through elections and campaigns. I campaigned for and won City Attorney, County Coroner, and one of seven Supreme Court Justices. I believe that I won because the others knew that while the election was important, I didn't make it my focus. Instead, I made myself available by getting to know the other girls, listening to their problems and making suggestions to help them as we ate lunch.

Searching for advanced opportunities was something I worked on alone, due both my counselor's busy schedule and other students' lack of interest. I'd often struggle with finding ways to participate in events and programs that I found because they weren't offered at my school. So I focused on finding opportunities like volunteer positions and scholarships that would require my effort and dedication to follow through.

As a volunteer at the Washington Pavilion, speaking with strangers requires poise and confidence. At the beginning of the year, I was charged with approaching business managers and store owners about advertising the Washington Pavilion in their stores. I was trusted by the Washington Pavilion staff to act professional as a representation of their staff. I also spent a year volunteering in the emergency room of the Avera McKennan hospital, which required maturity and a willingness to step out of my comfort zone. Helping patients check in, directing family members, and helping the nurses meant being trustworthy and responsible for my actions. The Marines NROTC scholarship is a chance to push myself further and harder than I've ever done, and I can't wait. I believe that I have what it takes to be a Marine officer, and I hope I have the chance to prove it.

Why thanks IHaile, that is so sweet of you to say :-) I have a few more tweaks for you to consider.


- ... and push them to do their best and be the best that they can be ...


- ... and be willing to have her actions and decisions judged by her peers.



- ... their organization .


- ...can't wait. Becoming a Marine will be the culmination of all my life experiences. Everything that I have done in the past has led and prepared me for this point in my life. I believe...

I tried to add thoughts that would continuously highlight your leadership abilities and potential. I hope it works for you :-)

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I think I've made all the changes that are needed. Do you have any suggestions for shortening it? It's currently at 3,039 characters.

Oops! I did not realize we had gone over by so many characters. Would you mind terribly having to post the completed essay in this thread again? I can't really cut down on the character count until I see the completed form. It will help me decide which portions to delete so the character count will go down. Of course you can also decide for yourself which portions you want to keep or delete. My ideas of what will make this essay better will definitely be different from yours so we should work together to make sure that you are happy with the end result :-) So perhaps meeting halfway would be best at this point?

I think you should cut down the words to your satisfaction and I will do the same. We then post both versions so that you can choose which one is the better fit for you to use. We could even combine our versions if you think that will create the best essay for you. Since we are just finalizing the content and word count, the possibilities are almost limitless :-) Let me know how you wish to proceed so we can work along that path ;-)

Here's the complete version
[...]

Okay, I'll just be using strikeouts this time to bring down the character count.




See if my editing brought the word count down to within the acceptable limits of the prompt. Let me know if we need to delete a few more words :-)

Your edits cut it down to 2,802. Which sentences would my essay be alright without?

Cut out the sentence about the appeal of college being that of a person first arriving in the U.S. Then revise the rest of the sentence to reflect an immediate desire to serve the country instead. This sentence:


Then retain only one of the two volunteer works that you did. Keep the more impressive one. Finally, delete the following sentence:


That should bring you in under the word count without affecting the overall paper. I'm here if you need more help :-)

I literally don't think there's a max. on how grateful I am. You literally just saved me a week of panic and stress :). The version below is the one I think I'll be submitting. Thanks!

Becoming a Marine Corps Officer is ideal because it combines the use of my ambition, volunteerism, and hunger for knowledge. As I looked through my post-secondary options, I began to wonder about giving back to my country as thanks for freedom. When I inquired at the Marine recruiting office about enlisting, I was informed about the opportunity to sign up and continue my education as well. That was all I needed to hear, because the NROTC scholarship would be the best of both worlds for me.

Being a leader means that I'm willing to face adversity for myself and others. As a student at New Tech High School, I developed high work ethics, with good collaboration and communication skills. These qualities are put into action when I am paired with a partner or put into a group. Instead of doing the work while letting the others slack off, I assign tasks and push them until we've completed the project together.

As participant at Girls State, I learned that one must be willing to put herself out there for people to see. Girls State is a week-long program that involves emulating and learning about the government through elections and campaigns. I campaigned for and won City Attorney, County Coroner, and one of seven Supreme Court Justices. I believe that I won because the others knew that while the election was important, I didn't make it my focus. Instead, I made myself available by getting to know the other girls, listening to their problems and making suggestions to help them as we ate lunch.

Searching for advanced opportunities was something I worked on alone, due to my counselor's busy schedule and other students' lack of interest. I'd often struggle with finding ways to participate in events and programs that I found because they weren't offered at my school. So I focused on finding opportunities like volunteer positions and scholarships that would require my effort and dedication to follow through.

I spent a year volunteering in the emergency room of the Avera McKennan hospital, which required maturity and a willingness to step out of my comfort zone. I was expected to act professional, poised, and confident in emergency situations. Helping the nurses meant being trustworthy and responsible for my actions. The Marines NROTC scholarship is a chance to push myself further and harder than I've ever done. I believe that I have what it takes to be a Marine officer, and I hope I have the chance to prove it.

I am just happy that I was able to help you :-) No thanks required. By the way, I found some hugely minor edits. I know it will be okay because we should be way under the word count now.


- As a participant of the Girls State Program ...


- Lose the apostrophe. It is not required for the plural of students.You use the apostrophe if you want to signify ownership in a sentence.

I wish you the best of luck with your application :-)