Below is an essay applying for a scholarship for aid. 500 words Please help me with this essay. Deadline is March 1st
I am a 33 year old mom of two. I come from a very large family. My immediate family has 5 children including myself. My grandpa had 19 children. I would like to be the first to Graduate College and come full circle with a degree in Criminal Justice. I had so many struggles with authority as a young child. I broke a lot of laws and through much turmoil and contemplation about my life. I didn't want to end up like so many minorities. I wanted something different for myself.
I later married a cop. Took some time to get use too. Learning to becoming objective. I realized just how healing not only graduating would be, but also the reward in helping other kids who are going through what I'd been through. I could relate and help them and heal in the process. Evolving spiritually has always been my primary focus in life. "How can I be a better person"? was always the question. I found out one way. I could do this for a living, and provide for my family at the same time.
I plan on being a Juvenile Probation Officer I took an internship at the Juvenile Court and asked what I needed to do to work beside them and do what they do. They liked me and said I have the job, I just need to get my credentials and experience.
I have filled out and turned in a volunteering application to teach kids how to use nun chucks mixed with dance. A positive outlet I've used throughout my life. My mother taught me starting age 3. I carried them for protection. Most of all I used them to dance with. I realize now why I had such a desire such a young age.
I also gained and lost over 100 lbs pounds during a state of complacency and I plan on help giving others tools to battle their demons. I also now understand the reason behind this experience. I have much to share with others, much to be a role model about.
I plan on volunteering as soon as possible not only out of sheer desire for helping others and healing self, but it is a requirement for the career choice I've chosen.
So this is like 379 words. You could add some more detail here and there.
Remember any number that is below 10 is written out.
Any number above 10 get its number.
Example - "three" and 23. See?
Your use of words is great!
There is one thing I would work on, well two things.
one is to get rid of many I's as you can. Make the paper way way way stronger.
Two is add one word to the beginning of your paper that summarize your entire essay.
Like so, "Challenges. At a young age, I faced with X, Y, and Z. But through it all..."
The first word kinda is the papers title if you think of it that way. :P
Both of you have been a great help. I have revised my essay. Please tell me what you think. I am thankful for your help. I've added a bit of my personality to allow the reader to like my character a little more. I've taken an 1800 word essay down to 540 words. There is a lot of detail I have left out. I hope I've summarized this enough. Please let me know about punctuation as well. Please keep in mind this essay is for "The Hispanic College Fund Scholarship" application.
Challenges
When I was a very little girl maybe five, I would daydream about reaching the clouds and putting them in a sandwich bag, then keeping it forever to adore touch and smell. Even now, I lie on the earth and watch the clouds in warm weather and let my senses take over. I still daydream...
A now 33 year old mom of two, born in Albuquerque, New Mexico to a Spaniard father and Mexican mother. We lived on powdered milk, beans, so papilla's, and peanut butter and jelly. I used to find clever ways to hide the beans. Got caught when they wouldn't flush down the toilet.
I'll be the first to Graduate College and come full circle with a degree in Criminal Justice. I had so many struggles with authority as a young child. Learning how to drive by stealing cars isn't normal or moral.
I've broken the law numerous times, and through much turmoil and contemplation about my life. I didn't want to end up like a statistic. I wanted something different for myself.
Later in life, I married a cop, and it took some time for me to adapt. I began learning to becoming objective. I realized that graduating would improve and heal my defiant inner child. Also, I want to help other kids who are going through what I'd been through. I could relate to their problems and help them and heal my old wounds in the process. Evolving spiritually has always been my primary focus in life. "How can I be a better person?" Was always the question.
I did find one way. I could do this for a living?!, and provide for my family at the same time.
My plan is becoming a Juvenile Probation Officer. I took an internship at the Juvenile Court and asked what I needed to do to work beside them and do what they do. It was strange and comical being on the other end of the law, being in the authoritative position. They liked me and said I have the job, and advised me to get my credentials and experience.
I have filled out and turned in a volunteering application to teach kids how to use nun chucks mixed with dance. A positive outlet I've used throughout my life. My mother taught me starting age three. I carried them for protection. Most of all I use them to dance with. Realizing now why I had such a desire at such a young age.
I'd also gained and lost over 100 pounds during a state of complacency and plan on using my experience to help others by giving them tools to battle their demons. Understanding my unraveling path, constant revelations, and what needs to be done with my lessons learned. There is much to be a role model about.
I plan on volunteering as soon as possible not only out of sheer desire for helping others and healing self, but it is a requirement for the career choice I've chosen.
I will keep climbing...just might touch the clouds and bag them up. Or maybe let the clouds be free so that I may fly through them. I'll always dream. I'm an excellent candidate for this scholarship!
