The mathematics stuck with me. My Essay for KGSP - Self Introduction

Hello! I need advice on how to improve my essay.. Thank you.

oYour course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

"Life is about courage and going into the unknown"

(The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Movie) is a lesson I have learned and am continuously learning throughout my life. I was born in the -- but have lived more than half my life in --, --. My mom moved and started working in -- when I was 6 years old and I soon followed two years after. Young enough to be blindly courageous but also old enough to understand what is about to happen, this was my first leap into the unknown.

Mathematics is a subject that has stuck with me as far as I remember, especially during Secondary School; I love working out solutions for problems and have earned awards for being the top in class. My interest for computers also grew. And like any strong interest, I wanted to share this. And so, during 6th year, I joined a club which taught the elderly how to use computers every week. However, Art and Music is also something I have passion for. I went through Secondary School thinking I have to choose one over the other and ultimately, I stuck with Math because it is more "secure". And so begins my life as an Engineer (Electronic and Computer), 19 years old with a vague path before me.

I soon realised that Engineering, amongst others, is where science and art can be combined. Not only that but "[I]can be anything or everything" (Barbie, Vlog). I learned about Mae Jemison, an astronaut, a doctor, an art collector, a dancer... and she inspired to be who I want to be and that I don't have to choose between one or the other. The many hobbies which confused me on what I was truly passionate about became hobbies which made me understand I can do many things if I put my heart into it.

In between the classes and exams, the exploring and clicking online, I came across Korea and slowly, I developed a love and interest for Korean culture and in particular, the language. I enjoyed learning languages during Secondary School and so I also fell in love with Korean and without realising it, I started learning Korean through songs. I taught myself hangul and basic grammar but I knew this wasn't enough. I signed up for a Korean module in - College during my 3rd Year of college.

And, just like with computer, I have a strong interest with the culture and I wanted to share it. I was also involved in -'s Korean Society as an OCM (Ordinary Committee Member) during 3rd Year and as a secretary during 4th Year. The Society organises events in order to introduce Korean culture to - students and I greatly enjoy being able to learn more about the culture and history as well as share it to whoever I meet and is interested.

One of the main reasons I would like to study in Korea is because it is one of the most technologically advanced country in the world. The electronics industry has grown rapidly throughout the last few years. Korea is growing while still preserving it's history and culture and that is something I admire. With my Bachelor's degree being on Electronic and Computer, I am certain that my experience there will be fruitful.

I personally believe that doing an exchange program is a great experience to be able to learn about other cultures as we will all, with different cultural backgrounds, work together in order for the world to move forward. I unfortunately couldn't accept the offer to do an exchange during my 4th Year but with KGSP, I am daring to hope.

Inspiration can be found everywhere. I have been influenced by many different people in my life and I want to be able to continue learning. Studying in a different country will be similar to when I moved to -- more than 10 years ago, a jump into the unknown, but vastly different.

Grace, this is a very well phrased, but irrelevant and weak essay. It does not serve the purpose that it was written for because it did not properly represent the 4 basic prompt requirements. As such, this essay cannot be used for the purposes of your application. It is almost as if you chose to disregard the basic requirements, which are the only required information in this essay. You deviated so much for the requirements that you ended up actually writing a personal statement instead of a self introduction letter.

While I can understand the reference to the movie, it is best if your point of view about life is discussed in a manner that actually involves your life experiences from the time you moved to be with your mother. Discuss how your life changed then and how you handled it, thus creating a personal ideology about life and all matters related to it.

Your educational background should indicate not only your interest in computers, but your academic achievements as well. Your current presentation is so vague that it does not really inform the reviewer. The missing professional background is a serious concern as that is normally where the motivating factor to study in Korea comes from. Not from the statement about clicking online and falling into your Korean experience unwittingly.

The whole essay needs to be revised. This time, I strongly recommend that you review the prompt requirements and deliver on all required points in a direct manner. Offer evidence of your experience, accomplishments, and professional experience. Those are all too important considerations regarding your application.