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'How money is an essential in our life prosperity?' GKS-U personal statement

nazwa_adz 1 / 2 1  
Sep 7, 2022   #1
Prompt of essay:
1) Motivations with which you apply for this program
2) Family and Education background
3) Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you.

4) Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
5) If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
I'm planning on attending the department of economics.
could you help me which point that I should to improve, thank you

GKS-U personal statement

The year of 2020 may has its own traces in anyone's life. For me, it is the lockdown that got me into some reflections about myself and what has been missing around me. One of them is about how social mobility in my neighbourhood usually occurs. Then, a sudden question sparked in me that said 'how money is an essential in our life prosperity?'

I lived in a rural area where the majority of people's income is from small shops and agriculturing, which in fact is not really sufficient for their basic daily needs and satisfaction in these days. Though, along with the unavailability of promising job opportunities. People in my neighbourhood mostly decided to work overseas as a household servant/assistant and contracted employee in a country with higher currency. Because, they thought it is an easy and possible way for them to make substantial money to bring back home. The wives and the growing-women in the family were likely reckoned for doing those kind of jobs by their relatives, even from the well-off family. That was all indeed a fine decision of them. My concern is about their relationship with the money. It gave me a presumption about the lack of financial management they have done. They did in the end bring a dozen of money. And as we suspected, the contract is not a long-lasting job for it has its own regulations. It's too soon for them to set the tertiary needs with just the basis of that money.

It is, when the money runs out, they will take the overseas contract in any way again and again and will go on cycle for a couple of years. In appearance, that cycle gave me an idea about people's behaviour who are eager to earn money continuously and only use it into something temporary. And for those who have had children, it could generate psychological side-effects on their child's growth for not having an appropriate time with their parents. I saw it as a wrong pattern for people to achieve prosperity.

In conclusion, I think money is not enough for us to achieve prosperity. Acknowledging the role of money is important as well. For being simple, they could invest partial money into Small Medium Enterprise (SME) and something innovative. Adminising that into other resources as a local job vacancy for idle-people, and of course for their long-term profit. It's also a shame, discovered that there's people who are still relying on debt, but there's no job in charge.

Since economic life revolves around me with all the problems and misconceptions, I'm getting curious on why those things came in the first place. As the world is changing rapidly, therefore it's exciting to learn economics and get the invision of solutions. Especially contributing to the economic growth of Indonesia.

I remembered when the financial crisis of Covid-19 weighed on my parents. I was attending a prestigious Islamic Boarding School, as I wished, in East Java in 2019 for my high school. It was fine at first for my family to afford the tuition, although it's a bit pressing on our financial capabilities. For one semester passed, the students were sent home for the lockdown. And as it keeps going on with no prediction, the income and the expense become irrational for my parents to handle. At the moment, I felt that I have made a burden on my parents about the school decision I made. So, I was in initiative thinking about mutating to a public school nearby instead, to lighten-up the expense. But, my parents just ditched my suggestion and chose to keep supporting me until I graduated. Their sincerity of dedication is something that I am grateful for. They always believe that education is the best investment for the future.

For the circumstances, I must cope with how I should manage the limited allotment of money with the temptation of wasting and doing as my other peers do. But, my parents kind of had the habit of living a frugal life. And, it became sort of something for me to be capable of making the decision when it's time to place the money for needs and satisfaction in any particular condition. It has really helped me to become more arranged and independent.

In the second year of high school, I contributed to the organization of dormitory media communication as a graphic designer and also a committee of the Darul Ulum family ties community called IKKAPDAR for the West Java region for one year of dedication. The community was created by the foundation to conduct fellowship from any various levels of education under their recognition to gather with their respective regions of origin. In another, I joined the holy Al-Quran memorization dormitory programme as well in the first place, depositing the everyday memorization.

Those activities made me learn about the management flexibility and work of communication. Mainly when we have an event to handle, our responsibility is being counted as it serves the foundation councils. There was a moment when I had to balance my duty at the same time, along with the mandatory dormitory activities and school work. It challenged my capabilities for being more competent for my work. Three years of journey had developed me so much. I'm more alive than before, being the authenticity of myself built upon the atmosphere of our Indonesian respective diversity, which improved my perspective more open in a great way.

I have been dreaming about studying abroad across the country since I was a kid. From my past experience, I'm more sure that it was just not academically enhanced, but also a spiritual journey with myself. But as far as I know, it's impossible for me to experience it independently according to my financial situation, even for a local university. That's why I searched out about scholarships on the internet, then found out about the GKS program which offers a great coverage and opportunity that I had desired. I'm positive, the GKS program would be an honor for me to pursue my degree and attend a high quality university without disturbing my parents about the tuition.

Korea is a developed industrial country only just within years from their independence year. And the fact about the crisis situation, Korea has been impressively solving the problem in rebuilding a stable economics (GNP rate) several times. As many economists say that there's no such a valid prediction for the future in economics, Korea is a role model for it, therefore it would be the right destination for me to learn economics in Korea.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,662 4753  
Sep 8, 2022   #2
The essay has very bad grammar that does not help the applicant present himself in a manner that shows he can learn well in a non-English educational setting. If his English grammar is this bad, then it will be almost impossible for him to learn when English is not the mode of teaching (Korea teaches all classes in Hangul).

As far as prompt responsiveness is concerned, the writer used a selective prompt discussion presentation rather than a completely prompt guided information sharing system. That means the essay does not cover all of the required information points sufficiently enough for the reviewers to consider the strength of this written interview. He should outline his responses first to make sure that he does not miss out on any discussion point. More importantly, by responding through an outline format, he will also have the opportunity to balance his responses in relation to its importance to the prompt guidelines.

Balance is key when presenting these GKS personal statements. In this case, the writer tends to focus on the unimportant personal consdirations in the presentation. It is unimportant because the central discussion point is one that the writer wants the reviewers to consider, but is not really a central part of the motivational considerations. He is overconsidering the personal interest in the presentation rather than creating a well rounded discussion presentation that creates a balanced response presentation throughout. It will be best if the writer writes a new version of the essay so that he can freely correct the mistakes in the presentation.
OP nazwa_adz 1 / 2 1  
Sep 8, 2022   #3
Thank you so much for you feedback and suggestion, it will help me to improve my essay.

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