The more networks you have, the more opportunities you will get. Chevening Scholarship answer

Hello. I am Mahmoud . Wish if someone help me to review my essay
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Chevening Scholarship - Networking question

I believe that networking has a major effect on the career of any person. The more networks you have, the more opportunities you will get. Everyone needs the others' help to progress in their careers so as long as you help people in your strength fields, you will receive their help in your weakness fields.

Being the first of my class during my undergraduate study helped me to have strong connections with the teaching staff in (...) University. The relations with this network was strongly boosted afterwards during my work as a teaching assistant. That network has a strong effect on my career as I got my current job based on a recommendation from one of my professors who supported my job application by indicating my quality and adequacy for them.

Also in my previous job as a site engineer, since the construction site was in (...) University so the supervision committee was a team of my professors. This helped me greatly to reduce the conflicts regarding the construction issues as I have always consulted them before the execution of work to ensure their satisfaction regarding the quality of work.

Being the "Events Director" for the "... organization", I had an implementation team to work with. We have successfully fulfilled our objectives as a team by organizing many events such as "...." event for two years, that event included talks for the new students about dealing with the university. Also we were responsible for organizing "..." event which was a charitable event aimed at helping poor people. In addition, we organized two scientific trips for the students to attend the "... Day". These events made me equipped with a wide range of networks including the University Administration, sponsors and my volunteering team.

The importance of these networks has appeared clearly during preparing for the graduation ceremony of my class and we decided to hire an events planner to organize that special day but we found that would cause a rise in the tickets price in an unaffordable way that could prevent some graduates from attending, so I suggested that my team could organize the ceremony voluntarily and that suggestion was approved by our class due to the successful background of my team. First, I decided to use my good connections with the university administration by requesting a financial support since we are the first class to be graduated from that study program so having an impressive graduation ceremony would promote the university's concern regarding that program. As a result, the university offered us the hall where the ceremony would take place for free. Then I used my list of sponsors which was formed during my previous events and started contacting them. The idea of being the first class to be graduated from that program attracted some of them so they decided to invest money by being sponsors for our ceremony and in exchange their names would be on all the posters of the ceremony.These steps have successfully lowered the tickets prices which was our objective without affecting the quality of the preparations. Eventually these efforts were culminated by having a memorable ceremony which was appreciated from all the attendees.

If I were a Chevening awardee, I intend to use my diverse network contacts to help Chevening network to be wider so that we can contribute in finding solutions to make the world a better place.

Mahmoud, please try to create a more professional networking presentation because right now, you are limiting yourself to an academic network that continues to help you get jobs. This is not a properly developed professional network because it is part of a cocoon system of your professional life. This cannot be considered a real network because you are not using it to help others, it only helps you improve your career opportunities. There is no risk involved and you have not required yourself to develop a network that is related to your career but not composed of your professors. This makes the essay pretty much useless in a sense. By the way, being an "events coordinator" does not qualify you as a person with a network unless that is your actual profession. From the way that you discussed it, this is not a profession for you, just a part of the controlled network that was created for you during your academic life. You need to show that you have a diverse network of professional contacts not related to your professors and the work that you managed to get through their influence. There is nothing in this scholarship that will tell the reviewer that you have a network worthy of Chevening attention / affiliation through your being a scholar of the program. This essay is not competitive enough to be placed in a side by side comparison with the other, more well prepared, extensively connected applicants.

... prices which waswere our objective ... Eventually, these efforts ... was appreciated fromby all the attendees.

... can contribute into finding solutions to ...

Hi, here are my feedbacks on your essay, hope they help :)

"so the supervision committee was a team of my professors." --> I think you can paraphrase this sentence better.

Pay attention to in adding coma (,) after words such as, eventually, then, since I recognised you missed them.