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hello i really need your help and am applying for my undergraduate 2017 Korean Government Scholarship Program . i really need your opinion on my statement of purpose. Thank you for your time

everything within a single swipe

When I was a grade 10 student I had appendicitis and through the process of saving my life, I barely remember my father going from bank to bank trying to withdraw money for my surgery, which seemed close to impossible due to network problems in banking transaction still we face the same kinds of problem. Walking around with empty pocket while you can have everything within a single swipe is the world I want to fight for. If there was a simple payment system without a doubt it will save lot of lives and time. During my undergraduate thesis project my first proposal was on bio metric system for security they turn me down and I shifted to material management system using bar code. I can't get enough, the more I know about it the more I realize I don't have deep knowledge about it. It is all about finding my path and the adventure started when I read about computer architecture, VLSI design, operating system and embedded systems by deciding that I would gain a better understanding by pursuing computer engineering and become an expert with in the sectors which would help me to show my humble respect for academic excellence.

Studying electrical engineering was the wisest decision of my life which led me to have a background knowledge of Computer Engineering. My performance rapidly increase throughout my academic years, more importantly it lead me to work 2 years in computer maintenance and networking, as part of it I volunteered 2-month work at Addis Ababa community policing service station. Working on hard disk problems specially on bad sectors Studying how the problem happened was interesting than finding the solution. Experience further gave me the opportunity to learn multi-service access gateway (MSAG) installation for overhead cable and underground optical fiber cable installation, which ensured that I was selected to join Ethiopian telecommunication as part of project managing and planning route with the duty of cost, time, support the cable, avoid crushing, stressing and over bending it.

In developing countries, mobile payment solution has been deployed as a means of extending financial services to the community. Over the last seven month am the rightful agent of Wegagen Bank and helloCash which allows to make transaction of money with your mobile phone and I am responsible for providing services related to transfer / receive money, pay for bills, bus and airline booking ticket and for movies schedule. Since then it been stuck in my head the bio metric payment system which presents to me the wide possibilities of the technology and left me desirous at learning more.by studying this course I will enhance my career by focusing on computer hardware and software design and implementation.

All of my experience has brought to light the inherent need of constant learning as well as the necessity of innovation and I believe that I have now reached the stage here I must now further enrich my knowledge. Moving on to your university, I seek to enrich my level and gain the necessary understanding of latest in Embedded System. I aim at learning about Computer Networks and Computer Architecture. I am competent and confident for the same and strongly believe that bachelor's degree program would give me the necessary push and momentum that would move me one steps towards my aspired career of becoming a Design Expert.

The bachelor's program in Computer Engineering with special emphasis on bio metric payment system from *** university is the perfect match for my career aspirations. I am impressed by your curriculum and excited by your excellent peer network the institute offers. More importantly, after studying the course and have a concrete background knowledge I am on keen on Dongseop Kwon, Dileep Kumar and Yeonseung Ryu conference paper on bio metric and security technology in the year 2008 and looking forward to learn from them and if possible become a member of their team to work with them to achieve my dream. I have the interest and aspiration and now seek the right platform to move forward to my goals and will enjoy all aspect of the university life that the university provides me.

Hi @robelamare. I made a few corrections
When I was a 10th grader

With an empty pocket ...

My performance rapidly increased

Change 2 to two.

Since then it stuck in my head

Hope I helped
Please help with my essay

@dace
thank you so much i will into it.

Robel, your statement of purpose lacks focus and more importantly, a point. You have relayed so much information that your background in computers is clear. However, what you really want to do is not. The essay is grammatically incorrect in so many places that the paragraphs just run on and on without actually making sense. A statement or purpose, this essay is pointless. You need to clarify a number of things in order to bring the focus of this essay into the proper context.

The first thing you have to do is remove the story about your dad walking from bank to bank. While it is a touching story, is does not directly connect with the rest of your essay. What we need is a personal or professional purpose for your interest in this course. That is something that you can depict by properly explaining the background of your interest in computer engineering. Since your foundation is in Electrical engineering, you will need to convince the reviewer that you have a connected (to electrical engineering) purpose or a personal purpose for the degree shift. Why did you start at Point A but now want to transfer to Point B? That is the point of the essay. Successfully explain your shift in interest and why you feel that you will be more successful in this path, by naming a particular accomplishment you wish to achieve in the field, then your statement of purpose will be better understood, regardless of the shift in courses.

After that, you need to better explain why you feel that you will be most successful if you complete your undergraduate degree in Korea. Where does your interest in Korea as a country, in its culture, and its educational system come from? Try to present a deep interest in learning about your possible host country and explain why you believe that completing your education at this university in particular, will be beneficial to your career. That explanation as of now is vague and not really interesting to read.

I am sorry that I cannot assist you with further improving your essay beyond this point as I am only allowed to assist every student once with an essay review. Should you wish to have me assist you further with this paper, as it will be a long revising process, please consider making this thread urgent. You can contact a moderator to assist you in doing that. If you do not make this an urgent thread, I will not be able to review your revised essay. My apologies in advance.

Hey robelamare, I read your essay and though that it was a bit incoherent. Although the story of your dad walking from bank to bank may add some background to your essay it does not offer much insight into what this taught you. What did you learn from this? The answer to this question is not very clear in your essay. Also, the personal anecdote that you provide about suffering from appendicitis does not connect with you studying engineering. Think about how you can better present a story that would connect with your dreams of becoming an engineer and the lessons that such experience has taught you.

Dawit, your SOP is lacking the razor sharp focus that a SOP requires. You have a number of irrelevant paragraphs which must be removed in order to create a standard SOP that will be acceptable for your application to various universities. For this essay, you must open with the second paragraph and remove the first paragraph that you wrote. An SOP should have a summary of your college education and training experience on the academic side, which is what this new first paragraph accomplishes.

A truly informative SOP is complete within 500 - 750 words. I suggest that you aim to complete about 700 words with your SOP because you have an impressive professional experience discussion to present. After you complete the summary of your college education, making sure to mention any awards or recognition that you received during this period. Use this information to prove your exceptional academic abilities. More importantly, present the thesis project that you did and explain how that helped you get into the professional work that you did for the next 2 years (upon graduation). Then transition into your professional work experience.

Revise the discussion about the work that you did at the police force. Focus on how the police department benefited from your presence and the work that you did for them. While you do have impressive practical know-how when it comes to the repair and inner working of motherboards, joysticks, and related hardware, the point of the SOP is to explain why you need to study advanced lessons. So develop a paragraph presentation that will allow you to explain how you have come to the limits of your knowledge professionally, hence the need for your advanced studies. The way you make it sound right now, it would appear that you just want to study for the sake of studying and not because you have an important professional requirement for it. The professional requirement carries weight when it comes to considering your application.

Explain how your additional studies will help you with your professional growth. Basically, tell the reviewer how these studies will help your short term goals. Something along the lines of the next 3-5 years of your career will be sufficient. Implementing these revision suggestions should help you develop a more impressive and informative statement of purpose. Best of luck with your application.

thank you so much