My own engineering firm; Scholarship (Educational Goals)

I need help with my scholarship essay. 500 words. I am over by 25 words and not sure I answered the question. Here's the question.

Describing your educational goals and why their comapny should help you achieve them by investing in your education.

I am fascinated with the electrical aspect of engineering and aspire to one day own my own engineering firm, I know certainly an engineering degree is a necessity if I want to obtain my professional engineering license and own my own engineering firm. A short term goal of mine is to obtain a co-op position at NASA where I can learn about and understand the electrical systems of spacecrafts. Maybe one day I can help build the first space community.

Traveling over 665 miles to Birmingham, Alabama and spending over 40 hours building a home for a senior citizen through World Changers Ministry, is something that I am passionate about. Although, I have maintained a very busy schedule during my senior year in high school and consistently held positions of leadership such as Co-captain of the Pearland Marching Band, Praise and Worship Leader of First Baptist Church of Pearland, and Administrative Assistant in my current job position at Pearland Music Studio, I still enjoy volunteering through community service and love to find time to assist people in anyway possible. While building the senior's house in Birmingham, I notice one of the areas that required the greatest need was a certified electrical engineering. Seeing this reaffirmed my desire to become an electrical engineer. I learned that there is a vast need for electrical engineers, my studies will always be required and it's wonderful way to give back to the community. I also learned that leadership requires a great deal of responsibility, humility, integrity, time, service to people and a heart of unselfishness. During Hurricane Ike disaster relief efforts, I recruited several students to help, load, transfer and distribute over 10,000 bags of ice and over 5,000 cases of water, in addition to helping 10 local families to clean up storm debris at their homes. This experience truly made me humble and grateful.

In preparing myself for my future career I have taken courses such as calculus, engineering, and physics. From elementary school through high school, I have participated in math, science and engineering fairs. For instance, one of my science projects was to demonstrate how electricity can be generated using a lemon. These activities have aided in influencing my decision to seek a degree in the field of engineering.

Due to my continuing interest in engineering, I have had the opportunity to participate in multiple activities associated with my field of interest. In the summer of 2008 I attended a week long engineering camp at the University of Houston called Mentoring and Enrichment Seminar in Engineering Training (MESET). Attending MESET provided me a "hands-on" analysis about the skills required to be an engineer, the multi-faceted job functions engineering entails, and the contributions engineers make to society.

My plan is to attend a four year college to obtain a Bachelor of Science Electrical Engineering degree and I will use my unique ability gain through school, work, and community outreach to unite the talents of people with different backgrounds and cultures, thereby enhancing the University's image and public relations, both nationally and internationally. Your company __ can help me to achieve my education goal through your scholarship program.

Your second paragraph is off-topic. It has nothing to do with your desire to own your own engineering company or to learn about spacecraft electronic systems. It is not even a particularly good reason for why the company should invest in you. In fact, this is true of the rest of your body paragraphs as well. Only your introduction and conclusion are really on-point. So, get rid of anything in between them. That will leave you with a paragraph in which you mention your short-term goals, followed by your long term career plan, which covers the first part of the prompt quite nicely. As for the second half, research the scholarship you are applying for. Look at how the person or group responsible for founding it describes it. Then, quote that description, and show how you reflect the values involved. It may be that this is what you were trying to do in your body paragraphs. If so, you can still use most of what you have -- you just need to add some transition sentences that explain how your experiences demonstrate a quality that the scholarship founders would have appreciated. Good luck coming up with your second draft.

EF_ Sean,
Thank you for your suggestions. I will work on it some more.

I took your advice and looked at the commitment of the company. Now I am trying to transition it into my paragraph. Tell me if this will work?

Just as your company is committed to advancing education, strengthen communities and improving lives of others, I share your same vision and I am passionate about it. I recently traveling over 665 miles to Birmingham, Alabama and spent over 40 hours building a home for a senior citizen through World Changers Ministry...

.... in addition to helping 10 local families to clean up storm debris at their homes. As an engineer improving people lives will be a top priority for me.

Due to my continuing interest in engineering, I have had the opportunity to participate in multiple activities associated with my field....

last paragraph.... both nationally and internationally. Your company is driven to see students succeed in their educational goals and giving back to the community, therefore I know you can help assist me to achieving my educational goal through your scholarship program.

Just as your company is committed to advancing education, strengthening communities and improving lives of others, I share your same vision and I am passionate about contributing to humanity . I recently traveled ...

As an engineer, improving people's lives will be a top priority for me.

Your company is driven to see students succeed in their educational goals and give back to the community; t herefore, I know you can help assist me to achieving...

You still needed some corrections there... let us know if you have any questions about those corrections! Good luck!!

Thanks for the help I'm going to make the corrections you suggested.