Should parents be made by law to immunize their children ?-- My IELTS writing

The Question is :
should parents be made by law to immunize their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunize their children?

--------
Nowadays, vaccines can be used to prevent many childhood diseases. However, not every parent realizes the importance to give the immunization to their children. Thereby, I suggest that our government should make a law about assuring parents immunize their children against common diseases. It should be regulated because the people in my country, Indonesia, still less in awareness about their health. Moreover, by having the regulation makes the immunization can reach the maximum result.

Actually, as a developing country, most of the people in Indonesia do not have too much attention for preventing an illness. They still need a consciousness and sometime a pressure to do that. Thus, by making a law, I believe the progress of this preventing program such as immunization become more effective.

Furthermore, the government regulation can assure that the immunization will be effective and efficient. The consequence of it is government will have control and also can give a sanction for those who are not gives the immunization to their children. In addition, people can be supervised from the government. As well as, the tools and the schedule will be managed by the government too.

In conclusion, for the developing country such as Indonesia, parent should made by law to give their children immunization. Because of they still less in awareness about preventing illness, the law can make them more pay attention for this. Then by controlling immunization program with a brief regulation, the aim of it can be gained well. So, the next generation will have a good antibody to against the common illness.

Oh thank you very much for so soon replying.

By seeing your correction, i know how to use an effective words to explain our idea in an essay.

i'll wait for your comment/ revision for the next paragraph.
^_^

You write well and also have very good ideas and points. However, I would recommend the following essay structure for this type of task.

Read some good essays posted to this forum on IELTS and TOEFL. They will help you pick points for general IELTS topics as well as align your essay structure with what such examination tasks expect :)

thank you for your revision. it is helpful. i will try to improve it.

Should parents be obliged to immunize their children against childhood diseases?

the parents are responsible for every stages of their children. During these stages the children are faced to different hard situations such as health problems, environmental and social dangers .I think the first duty of parents are being supportive against these problems. Also since childhood diseases can effect on whole life

of a person, it is so important to protect children from such problems and avoid them to get effects.

one of best mentioned protections is immunization, which let persons be sure about their health against disease during life. As children may not perceive the importance of immunize, its duty of their parents caring about this matter through right health clinics.

Parents are responsible in g