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Scholarship Essay: Passion for Computer Science



HiImShante 1 / 1  
Aug 17, 2009   #1
What do you think of this essay? Any punctuation errors? I need help haha.

The essay question was, "What has influenced your decision to pursue a career in computer science?"

As time progresses, computers continue to mold America, shaping it in a manner that benefits and connects today's society. The rapid upgrading of the CPU is beyond amazing and I'm glad I have been able to witness it. Just in my short lifetime, computers have gone from filling up rooms to fitting in the palms of our hands. What we have and use now can only get better, and that is the fuel that keeps me involved passionately with computers. My main goal is to not only simplify and advance the computer, but to uniquely create and expand. As a child, my love for computers started early. My family first got our computer when I was 5 and though I was fairly young, I became very attached to it. Me being able to run my fingers over ridged buttons with letters that seemed to magically appear on the screen fascinated me and kindled a deep desire in me to learn more. As computers were making gradual changes, I was also. I began to study the computer and familiarize myself with the very heartbeat and organs of the computer. It became more than a hobby; it was a desire, a passion of mine. With time and dedication, I was able to learn programming by the age of 15 and as of now I am in the process of making my very own paint program. Because I am an artist, I know what it is like to be left baffled by complicated paint programs with so called simplistic tutorials, so for my new program I will be creating more easy to use tools. That's what I can do with just books, tutorials, and advice. Just imagine what I can do with further education. I have been told that if you are making a living off of something you love, you will never work a day in your life. Computers are and will always be of great importance to me, and if I am able to work with them, I will truly "never work a day in my life."

Notoman 20 / 414  
Aug 18, 2009   #2
Not bad. I really feel your passion for computers with this piece. I think that some minor tweaking will make it very strong.

A couple of quick notes before I head to sleep ...

Tone down the exclamation points! They are a little too casual and conversational for an essay of this nature! I know that you are excited about your subject, but the reader might feel like they are being shouted at!

When you talk about computers fitting in our laps, I feel like this essay might have been written a couple years ago. Heck, I don't have an iPhone, but I do have an iPod Touch and I have some pretty amazing applications on it--and I don't need the expanse of my lap. My dad has a monitor that is on this funky flexible material that he can roll up and stow. Reference something a little more cutting edge than a laptop if you are going to talk about advances in technology.

AND ... I want to hear more about YOU and how you are amazing instead of how amazing the computer is. The essay starts off a little like a research paper on computers until it gets into the meat of what influenced you to pursue a career in computer science.

That being said, my main goal is to not only simplify and advance the computer, but to uniquely create and expand!

Check out your semantics here ... Your goal is to uniquely create and expand. Your goal is to expand? Are you planning on putting on more than the freshman fifteen?

It was the year of 1996, the year of Windows 95.

This is awkward. I'd omit "the year of 1996" and rephrase this.

what more do I want then to spend the rest of my life devoted to my childhood desire!

You want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life devoted to computers? Do you plan on forgoing dating, marriage, and children? What about food and sleep? Friendships? Literature? Chocolate?! Tell me it isn't so! The hyperbole isn't effective here. If I were an admissions official, I would look for students who were a little more well-rounded (and who liked chocolate and would bring me some).

There are a few minor grammatical errors, but I must sleep (so I can dream of chocolate). I'll let other users point those out.
OP HiImShante 1 / 1  
Aug 18, 2009   #3
Okay, I see what you mean as far as the upgrading of computers is concerned. So would I rephrase it as this? Computers have gone from taking up an entire room to in the palms of our hands, which hosts a variety of different functions such as checking our email and even the weather.

Eliminating some exclamation points.

It was the year of 1996... What should I say instead? It was the year of Microsoft's Windows 95?

And lol, i didn't exactly mean devoted. I thought i would look good. Instead of devoted how about working with my childhood desires? hmm, I think I'm going to need a litle bit more help with that.

But I will make sure I put a little bit more about what I do in there.

Thanks for your help so far! Hope your chocolate dreams were sweet ^ ^

Oh yeah, to anyone else reading, it would be great to help me with my grammatical errors.
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 18, 2009   #4
Oh yeah, to anyone else reading, it would be great to help me with my grammatical errors.

Your grammar is good over all. Let's see the revision that takes Noto's comments into account. There's no use proofreading sentences that are going to be changed anyway.


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