Placement into an appropriate program - Essay for Student Exchange

I'm a citizen of Cirebon, a maritime town located between West Java Province and Central Java Province. My hometown has many unique cultures. I was elected a class organizer several times ever since my junior high school years. I believed that was my passion. It motivated me to be tough for being well organized. While others did not want to be elected as a leader because of its obligations, I had other plans in mind. I was not a superstar in the class. Being an "Underdog" was something that I became used to. I just enter the top 10 in my class for several times. But that situation gave me lots of courage to bring a surprise to the non-believers. I won trophies since elementary school. I got the trophies from scouting and basketball. I love challenges, always trying something new, and discovering new places that I've never come before.

Business is on my mind, because I know my business knowledge will determine my effectiveness in much of what I do. So, I choose Management as my major study at Bogor Agricultural University because I wanted to be a great entrepreneur, especially a social entrepreneur. Things that I did in campus were not just studying. I join kinds of organizations and event committee too. I hope I could join many student organizations in the future for developing my leadership. I believe, if I want to be successful person in the future, I need to join a group like student organization as a place to learn other people's character, appreciate others' ideas, and meet new people.

It would be the greatest honor to get the scholarship for study in USA because I want to study about the difference in ethnic groups and I always want to learn to live as a minority. Islam is the biggest religion in this country. So, from my childhood until now, I am used of being in the ethnic majority of my society. Beside of the experience of becoming a minority, I want to let my future friends there to know that a Muslim is not a threat as they may think. I want to learn the other side of life. I like to read about high technology, which is not available in my country from USA magazine like Popular Science. But I realized too, even though The USA has high technology, the USA doesn't have the traditional culture like in Indonesia. I want to feel that sensation as being an Indonesian ambassador, I'll share lots of information about Indonesia, like our unique culture, amazing places to visit, abundant natural resources, and many more. Otherwise, I'll learn their values too. In addition, I want to pursue my dream to become a businessman. I'll learn it from studying Business Management there. I'll catch the theories from the class and get the worldwide networking from my friends there. I hope that my experiences will be valuable in developing my business competency.

I would be really honored if this once in a lifetime opportunity to learn and study in the other side of the world would be granted. I want to make my family and my friends proud of me. I love them and I love world learning. I would share what I've got in USA to motivate people to go ahead and chase their dreams like I did.

what do you think? is it enough? there are 560 words, but the limit is 500 words. Are there any mistakes that i did? Thanks a bunch kev!

Hi, my name is Nurfikriyadi. I am the first child in my family. I don't think you should say your name at the beginning, because the reader knows your name already. When you write,make sure every sentence gives the reader a powerful idea. Here is a sentence with a powerful idea:

I'm a citizen of Cirebon, a maritime town located between West Java Province and Central Java Province. that made My hometown has...-------This is powerful because it gives the reader something to think about.

Be careful with verb tense. You are supposed to use past tense here:
I elected as I was elected a class organizer for several times ever since my Junior High junior high school years.

Business is always my favorite thing on my mind, because I know my business knowledge will determine my effectiveness in much of what I do. At school, I tried to get my own income from...---------I made a change to enhance the first sentence of this paragraph.

I believe, if I want to be successful person in the future, I need to join a groups like student organization as a place to learn other people's character, appreciate others' ideas, and meet new people.-----Great sentence!! I made just a few small changes.

So, from my childhood until now, I am used of being in the ethnic majority of my society. Beside of the experience of becoming a minority, I want to let my future friends there to know that a Muslim is not a threat as they may think. ----This is a very important part of the essay. I think it may be what causes the reader to recommend you for the scholarship. So... keep this part of the essay!

But you should cut enough of the sentences to get closer to their word limit. It's important to try to write the essay in the number of words they recommend.

Also, I want to give some advice before you come to America and become an ethnic minority: Only the stupidest Americans think that all Muslims are a threat, and only the stupidest Muslims are causing Americans to perceive a threat. People all over the world are a threat to one another... and people always fear those who are different. To make good use of your time, you should be friends with the Americans who already know that Muslims are not a threat. They are the smart people! :-)

I think this sentence should include some mention of cultures you helped to "organize." Otherwise, this sentence seems to be unrelated to the sentences that precede it.


And I think you should revise this sentence so that instead of just saying you like challenges it will say something about the particular kinds of challenges that make business appeal to you. Try to get it so that the last sentence of every paragraph helps to promote one very cool concept/theme.

It is looking good already!! I'm just giving some ideas... but it is already a great essay. :-)