Plan to applying for the KGSP for Graduate Degree via Embassy this year

Hello everyone,
My name is Echa and I am plan to applying for the Korean Government Scholarship Program for Graduate Degree via Embassy this year. I was wondering if anyone could help me and give me some advice to improve my letter of Introduction for KGSP. I will be really thankful and grateful if you are willing to help me

Here is the things that should be in the KGSP letter of Introduction:
...

Below is attached the essay of letter introduction, I believe I need improvement in the aspect of the content and the grammar:

how I developed my skills

Hello my name is Echa, I finished and accomplished my study in Business and Management for 4 years 2 months and gained the bachelor degree in Management from Bandung Institute of Technology at October 2016. Since I was student, I have been put interest to work as business and management consultant, because I was grown in the family which most of my family members are business practitioner and business and business and management consultant. I have put the theories since I was student that I should be able to practice what I learnt in the college to help my family members who were the business practitioner to resolve the problem of their company and other companies as well to make a better solutions for their problem in case of business and management. Out of my interest towards my future career, I have also developed leadership skills by joining KMITB Student Association and I was pointed to be a Vice Minister of Finance for the transition period, and KMSBM Student Association as the mentor for the new student to know deep about the Student Association in the college.

Since my third year as student in the college, I have been work as a part time consultant to help my lecture professor in my college. I have been working as the junior business and management consultant in ITB Consultant Institution called LETMI ITB. In this LETMI ITB, I help out the senior consultant (one of them my lecture professor) to conduct and resolve problems in case of management and business for government companies in Indonesia. As my job being a junior business and management consultant, I help to conduct a research specialized in business process and workload analysis for employees. I did the Focus Group Discussion to gathering the data with the companies, after that collect the gathered data to be analyzed and make every week report for a company to report the progress. Consequently, I have gained experience of how to communicate and presentation in front of the manager and director of the company as the consultant, learn more about the business process and workload analysis, use the management application (SPSS and Structural Equation Modelling) to show the result of the gathered data to make the analysis, and choose the most effective and right solution for the problem by combine the theories of business and management that I have been learnt at the college. These experiences then enabled me to see how my ideas and innovations have led me to desired results and made me suitably qualified to apply this scholarship master program.

My future goal is to develop myself to be specialist business and management consultant in Indonesia especially in the field of business process management for small medium enterprise company. I would like to contribute actively in addresing the issues faced by small medium enterprise company in Indonesia. As matter of fact, most of small medium enterprise company in Indonesia is facing a big crisis. Most of them cant survive in the international business level,business because the structure and system of the business process management not well designed. Since most of the small enterprise company in Indonesia founded with the basis of family. Beside of that, most of small enterprise in Indonesia founded just for the source of money, many of the owners didnt know and lack of information the basis of the business and management knowledges like marketing, operation, finance and other management aspect that needed to be include as the business process. Thats what made small medium enterprise in Indonesia hard to do the competition with other small medium enterprise company from the other country that has the basis of business and management knowledge, has the basis of the system and well designed business process management. Whereas, most of 90% of economic growth in Indonesia is growth because of the small medium enterprise company. I further plan to implement a systematic business process management that effective for the growth of small medium enterprise company in Indonesia. At this point, KGSP will enable me to learn more about how the systematic business process management can be integrated sucessfully to the small medium enterprise in Indonesia and how it can give positive impact as a means to be a solution for the messy of business process management for small medium company in Indonesia. I believe that KGSP will be once in a lifetime opportunity for me to learn deeply about my field of study as well as serving as a bridge to reach my future goals.

Studying in the South Korea is a way to in realize my future goal and link between my background study and future goal. I am very sure that this country has definitely occupied an absolute world leading position in business process management for small medium enterprise company. For the papers and journal I read, South Korea has a systematic business process management for every industries. Beside of that, nowadays South Korea is the leading of industry country in the world, which means the business system for every industry in South Korea have a great system in both management and process. Advanced theories, technologies and information in this country will facilitate me immensely in the achievement of remarkable progress, fulfilling my aspiration to become an accomplished professional business and management consultant in the field of business process management

Echa, your first paragraph is a big mess. There are too many topics being covered that need to be resolved. You know that the prompt requirements are meant to guide your discussion. I suggest that you use the guidelines provided. By doing that, your essay should have the following content per paragraph:

Paragraph 1: Clarify this paragraph. Present your family and personal background. Your admirable character traits, your weaknesses as a person, how your family helped you to develop into the person you are today. Explain your point of view about life and where that understanding comes from. Explain how all of these elements have combined into your hopes and aspirations for your own life.

Paragraph 2: Introduce your academic background. Focus on the development of your interest in the field of business. This is where you can introduce the business background of your family that led to your business studies. Shed light on your academic accomplishments covering any notable awards and achievements you might have had which helped you to gain employment.

Paragraph 3: Discuss your part time work as a student, there is no need to mention that your professor was involved in this unless he was your direct supervisor during this time.

Paragraph 4: Remove this paragraph in total. Don't delete it. Just transfer it to your post study plans essay instead. That is where this discussion belongs, not in the self introduction. Replace it instead with an explanation of the motivation behind your masters studies. This should be something related to the perceived business problem in your country or within your family business which you wish to resolve by improving your business skills through the attainment of an international masters degree.

Paragraph 5: I will withhold any comments and possible adjustments to this paragraph for now. I want to see how you will revise the essay first so that my advice can help you make a Korean connection for your reasons to study in Korea.

@diamondsky
Hi Echa
You're using many abbreviations that the reader cant understand (ex: KMITB, KMSBM, ITB, LETMI).
Each paragraph should has ONE main idea, do not mix the ideas in one paragraph. Choose your main idea for each paragraph like what @Holt has adviced you.

Hello @Holt
Thank you so much for your insight and advises, it really help me out. I already revised my essay for paragraph 1 until paragraph 4, I hope you could give me some suggestions. I havent revised the 5th paragraph yet, since you suggest me to revised the 1st paragraph until 4th paragraph. Here are my revisions.

Paragraph 1: My name is , I am 22 years old from Indonesia. I was born in Marseille, but my family originally Indonesia. I have one sister. My mom is a usual housewife while my father is a lecture who become sucessfully business management consultant up until now. He usually go in his work days to meet client from the big companies in Indonesia. My dad and my mom are my rolemodel in my life when it comes to values that I hold in my life. They believe the hardwork and efforts can change the living of someone. They raised me and my sister with those 2 values in my life, hardwork and efforts. Since I was child, in the age of school, those 2 values grown up on me day by day. I always put through a lot of effort and hardwork in the way of study. Maybe for others, study is boring but for me study is fun thing, it can widen out my knowledge. Like Thomas Alva Edison said "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration," I know my IQ is not that high like other smart students, but with hardworking and efforts, I could receive many achievements. It way works for me, from elementary school to senior high school I always being include as top 10 students in the class. Since then, I grow up as a girl who always put hardworker through whatever I done in my life, become curious to what I don't understand, never give up and put a lot of efforts to strive what I want to accomplished in my life. With those values, I can survive and struggles to entry and study in one of the best university in Indonesia. With both of the values too, I live with the belief that success not an instant thing that happened to someone lives.

Paragraph 2: I could say since I was little, I already surrounding by the business life. My passed away grandfather was a production director of a tea company which have family farms business as well. Since I spent my childhood by lived in grandfather and grandmother house, I already get used with the business condition happened in my surrounding. By that, my entrepreneur and business skill were grown up too. While I was elementary school student, instead of study, I made a handmade bracelet and sell it to my friends. It received a big success, I gained many income from sell the handmade bracelet. While I was junior high school student and senior high school student, I opened a rented novel business, by rent my novels to my friends, and they should pay me with the novel they rent for few days. Since then, my parents rare to give me the money because I have my own income. As times passed by, finally I decide to enter faculty of business and management for my focus study in university to learn more how to be successful a business owner and how to manage the business itself. In the second year of my university life, I was given out the course where I should make business with a group of friends. I was appointed to be the Chief Marketing Office for the business that I made with the friends. I conducted the marketing research, promotion and the strategies how to sell the product. As I hold that position, my management skill and business skill were become sharp. Finally in the end of the course, we managed to sell about 800 products in total with price Rp 200,000 or $15 for each product sold. We achieved our target which to sold maximum 500 products. Unfortunately, we didn't continue the business as the course ended because my friends and I were busy with our activities and final project too. Beside academic activities, I active in the Student Association too, I was appointed to be the Vice Minister of Finance for Student Association, with that position, my knowledge about the finance management were sharpen out. At October 2016, finally I received a tittle "Bachelor of Management" after 4 years of study.

Paragraph 3: Talk about my work experience, I did part time job since the third year of university until now. I work part time as junior business and management consultant at my university consultant institute. My job is to help out the senior consultant to resolve the problems related to business process management and workload analysis for client (most of them are government companies in Indonesia). I did collecting the data by conduct the research and Focus Group Discussion with Board of Managers and Directors, and then analysis the data, after that make the report of the progress for the Board of Managers and Directors. Consequently, during my work as junior management consultant, I achieve so many knowledges about the business and management itself, aside of that I have gained many experienced such as in communication skill, business and management application skill (SPSS and Structural Equation Modelling) and how to resolve the problems related to business process management and workload analysis. For me, facing different problems of each client companies is a challenging part of this job from me, I gained so many experiences and knowledges by that. I could say that my job as junior business and management consultant give me a lot positive impacts rather than the pressures.

Paragraph 4: Since I was child, I have plan and goals to continue and achieve education as higher as I can rather than work. I think that with many knowledges that I know, I can easily facing any big problems in my life and in works. I always think that education is more important rather than work itself, since we could do our work based on knowledge we had, and knowledge could be only get from the education. This is one of the reason why I wanted to pursue my master studies first and leave out my work. Beside of that, while I work as junior business and management consultant, I found so many problems that the companies in my country faced relating with the business process and procedures. 2 of them that I mostly found are first, there are so many companies that have business procedures, but the business procedures in their company not work at all. Secondly, the level of maturity of companies in my country didn't grow up, because the inefficient business processes. Third many business process in Indonesia that didn't managed well and coherent with the companies itself. There are just a few problems of business process and procedures that faced by most of companies in my countries. There are actually a lot of problems related to it, that make most of Indonesia companies can't survive well in the global competition with other companies from another country. By pursuing master degree, I hope I could help small companies and big companies in Indonesia (through my career as business and management consultant later) to find the right solutions for the problems I mentioned above, since my knowledges that I earned in Bachelor Degree not enough to resolve the problems that I explained above and other business and management problems as well.

@nono15
Hello, thank you so much for your advise about abbreviations, actually I had revised my essay on the comment above, could you give any advises oor suggestion related with my revision? Thank you!

Echa, this sounds more like a personal statement for a college application at this point. It still presents itself too lightly and does not follow the required elements that the essay requires. Your statement are nowhere near what I instructed. The information is still mixed up. Let me see if I can get you to better revise this essay by offering some guidelines regarding your statements of an example of how the discussion should flow.

I was born in Marseilles of Indonesian parents. I moved back to Indonesia as a child where my parents lived their lives while raising the family. My stayed at home to care for us while my father worked as a business consultant. Their life ethic was " Anything can be accomplished through effort and hard work". That belief has been the guiding beacon in my life up to the present. It was my father's influence as a business consultant that opened my eyes to the fascinating world of business management. So it was no wonder that I enrolled in a business management course as a high school student.

I attended college at XXX where I was recognized as a student who excelled in... That is why it did not come as a surprise to anyone when I began working part time as a business consultant.

I worked part time for (company) from my third year of college. The experience I gained there as valuable as I was in charge of... This additional practical training helped to prepare me for better things upon my graduation in (year of graduation).

Upon graduation I worked at ... where I was immersed in...I saw that there was a need for better (indicate business management problem) and decided that I needed to be one of those who should be able to help solve it.

This motivating factor led me to the decision to apply for (course) masters studies in Korea. I find it logical to enroll in a university in Korea because...

My interest in Korea is more than just academic in nature. I am drawn to... Which is why I think I would get a well rounded development as a student and person in Korea.

The above is an example of how to approach the presentation of your essay. Please consider following the information format when you work on your next revision. The format above is more suited towards the prompt expectations of the reviewer.

@diamondsky
Hi echa
I'm also applying this KGSP program, so let me give you advice from my point of view

I dont think you need to explain about your name or birthplace. Start with how your father or grandfather could influence you to have interest in business field. Also tell about your business skill (sell your own product) as the impact of that influence.

The reader could relate the reason why you choose busineas major on your second paragraph.

For your college life, dont use negative sentence that you cant continue your business, it tells the reader that you cant manage your time well

Lastly, dont forget to give the reason of choosing Korea, and relate it with the 'Business' thing

Good luck :)