'I am a positive person' KGSP Application Letter of Self-Introduction: Assistance for Proofreading

Good morning, EssayForum! I'm asking for everybody's help for me to proofread my essay for the KGSP Application. (Reposting because I think I posted it in the wrong category)

-Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
-Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
-Your motivations for applying for this program
-Reason for study in Korea

student-leader with a grateful heart

Greetings of peace! My name is Kenneth Paul J. Recańa. I came from a middle class family. My father is an overseas Filipino worker (OFW) while my mother is a housewife. They just recently separated last 2013 and my father has a new family now. However, he still provides for us financially. Despite all the problems that my family has gone through, I was always taught to be happy and to have a grateful heart. I am a positive person - I try to make everyone around me comfortable of my presence. Because of that, I can easily adjust to what a certain person needs. That quality has always fueled my desire to be a teacher of both an academic subject and a foreign language.

I just recently graduated from the Ateneo de Davao University, one of the five Jesuit tertiary institutions in the Philippines, with a degree of Bachelor of Arts in International Studies major in Asian Studies minor in Economics. In my chosen course, I was exposed to an inter-disciplinary approach of understanding the different components that comprise the relationships of the states and the global community as a whole.

While studying, I also became a student-leader. During my first three years in college, I became one of the officers of our department student council. On my fourth year, I became the President of one of Ateneo de Davao University's socio-political clubs and also became an officer of the over-all student council of the university. I was also able to participate in outside-school activities, most notably as a participant of the JENESYS 2.0: Disaster Prevention Course held at Japan. My experiences as a student-leader complimented what I learned from my course. Balancing responsibilities was a test of character and determination and I believe that I survived. Fortunately, I was able to juggle all my responsibilities, both academic and non-academic, and I was able to graduate on-time and was awarded as Cum Laude. The lessons I received from my university experience became one of my motivations for my future undertakings. As I just knew about the KGSP program only right after the deadline, I decided to gain experience first.

After resting for a few months after graduation, I worked as an intern at a government agency to expose myself to the different government practices of my country. It was an enriching experience because I worked during the transition of a new presidency and government agencies were still adjusting. Currently, I work as a teacher of the Ateneo de Davao Senior High School. I have always had the passion to teach and to be able to teach introductory social sciences is a fulfilling experience for me. I also treat this as a refresher course for me because I am tasked to review the foundations of International Studies that I hopefully will be able to use for my Masters.

My biggest motivation in applying for this program is all the possibilities that will be given to me the moment I step foot in Korea. A new country entails a different culture and new discoveries. Aside from the Korean culture and everyday Korean living that I will be immersed to if ever I get accepted in the program, new resources from Korean libraries and new mentors I could talk to will give me a new set of opportunities that will definitely help me achieve my goals during the program and after the program. I am sure of these assumptions because I was able to visit Korea and Sogang University last 2015 for an educational tour and it felt like there were still a lot more for me to learn and a lot more about Korea that I needed to know. Since that visit, I had a connection with Korea.

I specifically wanted to apply for a Korean scholarship because aside from my very positive impression of Korea due to our educational tour, one of the lessons in my course that stuck to me is the "Miracle of the Han River" - the period of Korea's rapid transition from a developing country to a developed country and their follow-up actions to fully establish Korea as one of the strongest states in the world. As someone from a developing country, I want to have a first-hand experience of how this "miracle" came to be and how my country can emulate it. Also, as an International Studies major, it would be a great opportunity to observe in a local and a first-hand perspective how Korea handles both their local and international affairs, how it moves to maintain the balance of power in the East Asian region, how Korea acts as a middle power, among others - and compare it to how my country does it so that we could see points of improvement. All of these I can attain if hopefully I will be able to be accepted in this program.

All in all, if given the scholarship, I will make sure that I will use all my time in Korea to find the "Miracle of the Philippines" and at the same time, immerse myself with the very beautiful Korean culture. Thank you very much for your time and effort.

Kenneth, even in a self introduction letter there is such a thing as too much information. Your first paragraphs provides just that. There is no need to drag the separation of your parents, and the new family that one of them has created into the discussion. Neither is it important for you to mention that your father still supports the family financially. In this letter, the important role that your parents played in your development as a person, as well as their influence on your outlook in life, your dreams, ambitions, and wishes, are the most pivotal pieces of information related to you that they must portray. You will get a better idea as to how to properly utilize the role of your parents in your life if you refer to the other already finished samples of this sort of writing that can be found at this forum. The last 2 sentences that you wrote are no longer necessary for the completion of the self introduction. It becomes redundant when you compare it to the content of the previous paragraph, which would have allowed you to close the essay on a more relevant note. I suggest that you omit those last 2 sentences instead. The rest of the essay that you developed do not have any problems and actually respond in a highly relevant manner to the prompt. You don't have to worry about those parts. They are a definite asset to your application. You just need to work on the 2 parts that I mentioned in this thread in order to create a final, usable version of your letter.

@Holt Thank you very much, sir! I will be revising this immediately and I will post it again for you (and the others) to check.

Hi, I think you should modify your first paragraph, do not talking too much about your current family situation (separation of your parents), instead of that you can talk about the positive things that helped you be the person who you are now. And also, I think you can give more specific reasons of why you choose Korea as your destination. By the way, I am quite confused about your bachelor degree, is it a degree of arts or economy? Sorry, I didn't get that part because I'm not used to that topic. If I got confused maybe the reviewer (if that person is not used to that topic either) will also be like me.

Hope it helps!

Good morning! I have edited my essay. I'm asking for your help to look at it again. Thank you so much!

Greetings of peace! My name is Kenneth Paul J. Recańa. I was brought up in a happy environment that led to me growing up as a very positive and free-spirited person. Since my mother once worked at an international NGO, I was exposed to different cultures and hence, has sparked my dream to immerse myself in a foreign culture early on. Furthermore, because of the developmental nature of my mother's work, I have always thought of ways on how interactions with people from different countries can lead to the national development of my country.

Those ideas have only been solidified (...)

Kenneth, since your mother worked for an international NGO, that had a direct influence upon you, there is a need for you to mention the specific NGO that she worked for. The mention of the organization will help to further boost your foundation in this specific field and how, offer an insight as to how you learned about the critical need for this line of study or occupation in your home country. The same goes for your reference to your internship in a government agency. Name the agency, the work that you did there, and if you are still connected with the agency even though you are now working as a teacher. The information about the government agency is actually more impressive than your work as a teacher because the government agency actually provides practical applications of lessons you learned in college.

Once you apply the changes above to your essay, the information the letter will contain will now be better suited to the prompt requirements and will certainly allow for a better assessment of your qualifications as a masters candidate. I hope that your next version will be even more enhanced and allow for an even more impressive reading of your introduction.