Hi all, this is for scholarship essay review. the essay prompt is as follows-
Please state in the space provided below or on a separate sheet of paper, in your own words, the reasons for this application. Some indication of your financial situation would be helpful. We would also like to know about any achievements you are proud of (academic and/or otherwise) and how you expect your studies to influence your future career. You can also mention how you feel the scholarship and studying at a UK Higher Education Institution will benefit you (and /or your community) when you return home.
In order to assist the selection, it is essential that this section is completed.
Having been raised in the Middle East with annual summers spent in India, it was always hard adjusting to the fact that material comforts such as high speed internet connectivity, continuous power supply and good technical support ceased to exist in most parts, particularly in rural areas. Advancement is painfully slow, if at all existent and it was then that I realized how my interest in acquiring a breath of coding skills could actually benefit my native town in Kerala constructively, beginning with the establishment of a larger number of technical training centers. I chanced a glance at the information systems course offered at X and was taken in by the description of the course modules on X's page. The blend of technical and business subjects which included programming and application building was the motivating factor in deciding to apply. A strong conviction gripped me that this highly sought after course offering would not only equip me with the requisite sound technical skills but would also help me acquire leadership and communication skills which are absolutely necessary to remain an asset to any business organization.
During my undergraduate studies, I was an active member of the Volunteer Service Organization in ABC,India. My first assignment was to work in the pediatric ward, whereupon I encountered a 12 year old girl who was hospitalized following a car accident. We formed a close bond over discussions of my engineering classroom experiences. When she once expressed the wish to someday join my university as a student, I felt inspired to help her and contacted Teach for India, a national education movement that provides free schooling to financially disadvantaged families. It gave me immense satisfaction when the movement contacted her shortly afterwards, to inform that they would be sponsoring free classes to all from her locality and that she too could avail this facility upon her return home, thus giving her a chance for better educational schemes. Though it was a small role, the spontaneous decision to help her realize her academic goals made me realize the importance of compassion and how that one phone call could have influenced a girls' future positively.
I am applying for this scholarship with the intention of introducing a minor technology revolution back in my home town. Though this will be a long and challenging task, I am prepared to undertake the responsibility and use the practical knowledge and academic learning positively to contribute to the overall development and remain active in building a self-sufficient community.
The University of X has a history of awarding scholarships to promising young talents from the developing world in order to bring knowledge, skills and leadership abilities back to their home communities. The multidisciplinary focus of the program I am applying to will provide me with the necessary skills to creatively address the social development challenges. With your assistance, I will be able to accomplish the objective of working to establish a technology hub and hone my interpersonal skills to become an ethical and professional individual. My parents have always stood behind me in my decisions, regardless of the financial repercussions and I look forward to repaying them tenfold through my academic and professional achievements.
I thank the committee for letting me tell my story and sincerely appreciate the time and consideration taken to review my application.
I have to submit this by 29 may so would be really grateful for immediate and constructive feedback.
AdvancementAdvance technology is painfully slow,
- I chanced
a glance atupon the information systems course offered at X..
Well, confusee123, your re-written essay is far better than the first one. I believe they will review it and God willing, they will grant you the scholarship. From my side, I would like you to take note that in an essay application for a scholarship, one of the things they would also consider is your willingness to learn the culture of the country, the tradition and how much effort you can contribute to the institution, with your diligence to the task at hand and how they can count on you on cases that needs to.
I wish you good luck and make sure to do the following;
- Proof read any article you do before submission
- Turn on your spell check
- Mind your punctuation marks
- Set the goal of your article to the standard of your readers
- Engage with your idea and create a logical flow of the essay