Essay Prompt:
If you could say one thing to the entire world at once, what would it be and why?
Please compose your response in a word processing program before pasting into the application. You should keep your formatting as simple as possible; special features such as bold, italic, underline and quotation marks are generally lost when the text is placed into the application text boxes. Entries will be judged on expression of thought, clarity of information, writing style, and originality (250 words or less). Creativity is encouraged!
My response: (currently at 171 words)
I lay on my bedroom floor, motionless except the uneven release of hushed breaths. The shirt sleeve pressed against my face soon grows damp. Through a wet blur, I see my bedroom wall opposite me. It's covered in photographs. A particular picture catches my eye. My cousin, who has just turned two, beams at me from a tiny rectangle taped to my wall. She's so precious. A sudden and new wave of tears drowns me. She will inevitably feel as I do right now. Why?
[...]
It is really touchy, congratz'!
However, I believe it ends so suddenly (like a slap in the face:D) You should continue it a bit, elaborate on what you are going to say to the world. Moreover, at the first of the essay one cannot connect the essay with the prompt. Maybe you could add something to the first sentences making them seem more connected to the topic.
**Edits made to my original paper**
Insecurity floods my mind. I cannot help but imagine what the world sees, how I am perceived by the people around me. I lay on my bedroom floor, motionless except the uneven release of hushed breaths. The shirt sleeve pressed against my face grows damp. Through a wet blur, I see my bedroom wall opposite me. It's covered in photographs. A particular picture catches my eye. My two-year-old cousin beams at me from a tiny rectangle taped to my wall. She's so precious. A sudden, new wave of tears drowns me. She will inevitably feel as I do right now. Why? She is bound to feel like she's average, not good enough, or even worthless at some point in her life. Why should she ever feel like she's anything less than precious? My sweet, little cousin should always feel like the shining star that she is. Why did I stop feeling this way? Why does anyone? If I could tell the entire world one thing, it would be that each and every person is absolutely just as precious today as they were the day they were born.
Everyone has something inside them that makes unique and precious. Unfortunately, due to depression or anxiety or lack of self-confidence, people are needlessly led to believe that they are worthless. Sometimes, all a person needs is to be lifted up and told that they are appreciated and loved. With encouragement, the world could develop into a more healthy and happy place for everyone.
Firstly, thank you for comments on my essay. They were really encouraging, and helpful (+ dese was supposed to be desire :D)
Now.. about your own essay:
The conclusion now is great and makes sense and connects the essay with the topic. Though the descriptions are really beautiful (at the first of the essay), I believe they are the only parts that can be shorten so your essay would exceed the limit.
Let me see..
Every single person in the world has something inside them that shines bright, making unique, talented, and precious. Unfortunately, too many people in the world are led to believe that they are worthless through symptoms of depression or anxiety, being mistreated by someone important to them, or comparing their life to the lives of others.
Maybe we can change this to something like this :
Every single person in the world has something inside them making them unique and precious. Unfortunately, numerous people in the world are led to believe in their worthlessness through symptoms of depression or anxiety, or by comparing their lives to the others'.
Hope this would make it shorter without ruining your beautiful description.
