I'm applying to a scholarship and I'd like to receive some feedback about the content of my essay and my gramatical mistakes.
Please summarise, in words that can be understood by a person outside your field, details of your proposed programme, why you chose your proposed host organisation and what your proposed programme is intended to achieve. Also provide details, including proposed dates and locations of any proposed fieldwork and/or internships. (300 words)
Actuarial Science is the discipline that employs mathematical tools to assess risks in the insurance, financial, social security and public health sectors. It's also applied in the study of demographic changes and in the social processes that underlie future population projections.
I graduated in Actuarial Science in Brazil and I chose the Master in Actuarial Studies program because I want to gain a more in-depth understanding of the economics and statistical principles that govern the modeling of social security and public health systems and how I can use it to benefit my community. The program aims to prepare its students to work both in the private and public sector by given them the possibility to learn the lately technical expertise needed to evaluate financial risks and develop new insurance products as well as to master how superannuation funds, population ageing, retirements benefits and health systems are manage and assessed by the State. I have chosen The University of XXX as it has the best Risk & Actuarial Studies department in Australia and it's considered one of the best universities in the world in this field.
My main goal with this program is to acquire new skills to improve Brazil and benefit my community. I believe I can help Brazil to solve its issues regarding the social security system by applying the knowledge gained in Australia on my work and to improve the life of Brazilians that demand such benefits. Furthermore, in Brazil, Actuarial Science still only limited on a bachelors basis and, with this program, I intend to benefit future development of this science at our universities. Also, during my studies, I'll do a summer internship in Sydney to apply all the mathematical methods learned at university and to specialize in modern approaches used by Australian actuaries.
... both in the private and public sector by givengiving them the possibility to learn the latelylatest technical expertise needed to (...), population ageing, retirements benefits and how health systems are managed and assessed by the State.
... and it's considered one of the best universities in the worldon the planet in this field.
(With this edit, it was a bit redundant. I would recommend finding a different way to write the end.)
... system by applying the knowledge gained through my work in Australia on my work and to improve the life of Brazilians ...
Those are the only I caught. Very straight to the point and well written. Good luck!
Thank you for your feedback!
Can you, please, explain a little bit more about that?
"The University of XXX as it has the best Risk & Actuarial Studies department in Australia and it's considered one of the best universities in the worldon the planet in this field.
(With this edit, it was a bit redundant. I would recommend finding a different way to write the end.)"
Do you mean I need to find a different way to write the end of my essay or the end of this sentence/paragraph? I didn't found that redundant...
I found the ending of the sentence to be redundant. Sorry for not making that clear. I felt that the in this portion of the sentence being written twice so close together was repetitive. If you don't think so, then don't change it. Stick with your gut!
