Essay question (why did you choose the course and institutions? Business ecosystem.

Hi everyone! My name is Satrio. If you read my essay, please give a clue for a better revision. I am working on AAS application. Thanks :D

why did you choose the course and institutions?

For the past three years, I have been actively contributing to the development of the entrepreneurial ecosystem in Indonesia by engaging with more than 150 small business owners across East Java Province through incubation programs and vocational training. This journey gives me a broad understanding of the challenges which is faced by local businesses and entrepreneurs, which make a high business failure rate in Indonesia. According to the Bank of Indonesia, 80% of small-medium enterprises fail in the first five years. The business failure in my community is caused by rapid business competition. They not just compete with other local business, but also compete with the big company and unicorn startup that brings more resources to acquire the local market.

In 2018, I had participated in the Australia Awards short course program on the startup ecosystem, which makes me inspired to deliver solutions for the business challenge. I visited Melbourne Smart City that provides more than 1,000 open datasets that available for the business player to support business operations. I believe if this system is applied in Indonesia and the business owner able to use and analyze the data for a better business decision, then it will reduce competition and increase the business survival rate. As an entrepreneur ecosystem builder in Indonesia, I am aware that I need to take a further step to upgrade my competency. Master's degree in business analytics will give me essential skills to foster small-medium enterprises through a data-driven strategy to tackle business challenges.

I choose Monash University and the University of Technology Sydney as my university preferences because I can involve at entrepreneurship centre, called Monash's Startup Hub and UTS Startup. Those centres allow me to participate in any opportunities to learn best practice in building a startup ecosystem, engage in a research project, and enlarge my network.

I am afraid you are going to have to shorten the reason that you chose the curriculum. It is running too long. It takes up more than 50% of the statement, not leaving enough room for you to discuss in-depth, the reasons why you chose Monash University and the University of Technology. Each university needs to be discussed individually. You have to explain the merits by which you chose each university to the reviewer. You cannot use a blanket statement for the university choice because the reviewer is looking for the reasons for your first and second university choices. If the universities have the same weight in your eyes, the scholarship committee will not know which of the two universities to prioritize should you become a contender for the scholarship. Discuss each university based on the weight of your desire to attend it. That is why I am asking you to shorten the backgrounder on your course choice. The course choice should actually tie in better with each university choice. That provides the reviewer with a clearer idea as to why you chose to attend a specific course, at a specific university. You could try the following format:

- University Choice - University Course - a general discussion of how the course can be applied to your current work situation - state if, based on these reasons, the university is your first or second choice.

Using 2 paragraphs to represent the aforementioned discussion should help you come up with a better response, well within the word count.

In in my opinion I think you should give more clear explanation why you choose the two institutions. The reason could be why the university and courses that offered can fulfill your goals.