Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Scholarship   % width   Posts: 3


Scholarship Question: Why Did you leave school, why are you coming back?



afurgeson 2 / 11  
Feb 22, 2010   #1
As an aspiring adult student, I was excited to find a scholarship opportunity that did not require me to be a high-school student. The scholarship targets returning adult students with the question in the subject line. My questions is: am I overdoing it with the train metaphor? Is "chasing dreams" to cliche? Any other suggestions? 250 Word Max Thanks in advance!

I had good grades in high school because it was expected. I went to college because it was expected. I majored in economics because it was expected. I spent 20 years of my life on the express train to the American Dream; it was fast and easy and ended at the dreams of my parents and expectations of my contemporaries. It would have been easy to stay on that train, but I was too enticed by what lay beyond the tracks.

Three years ago, I did the unexpected; I dropped out of college. I took time to asses what I enjoyed and how I could use my skills to have an impact on people around me. I accepted a job with the American Red Cross and quickly advanced from Development Coordinator to Regional Director.

In my time with the American Red Cross, I worked with disaster survivors, volunteers and community leaders from every walk of life. They validated my decision to leave school and inspired me to identify the things in life that make me happy. Their strength assured me that people are capable of anything and that nothing short of death will keep me from chasing whatever dream inspires me.

After months of reflection, the dream I am choosing to chase is a return to college. The expectation now is that education will further my ability to make a difference. This time, though, the expectations are my own and I am driving the train.

kaylacotie - / 2  
Feb 23, 2010   #2
The train metaphor fits absolutely wonderfully into your paper; I would definitely not change it. Your paper is not cliche at all. It is unfortunate that the maximum word count allowed is 250 because I could definitely see this paper being very extended and in depth.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Feb 23, 2010   #3
...expectations of my contemporaries.---- contemporaries is not the right word here. I think you could use "teachers" or "the people in my world"

Paragraphs 2 and 3 should probably be put together as one paragraph.

...dream I am choosing to chase is involves a return to college.

No, I on't think chasing dreams is bad, and I don't think the train metaphor is bad. However, I think you should ad one more sentence to both the intro and conclusion paragraphs to further develop the metaphor and ADD specifics about what, exactly, you want to accomplish as a scholar and professional.

This time, though, the expectations are my own, and I am the engineer that operates the train.


Home / Scholarship / Scholarship Question: Why Did you leave school, why are you coming back?
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳