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Review my answer to Leadership question in Chevening application and comment if necessary!

Ghani 1 / -  
Oct 18, 2016   #1
Hey Friends! This is my essay to the Chevening Application Leadership question. Please suggest reduction and corrections.
I am exceeding 103 words in this essay.

1. Chevening is looking for individuals that will be future leaders or influencers in their home countries. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your own leadership and influencing skills to support your answer.

(minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

When I was a child I was hearing these words from my parents: "If you try, try and try, your struggles will not be wasted and you will definitely overcome every problem, but whenever you stop trying that will be your actual failure."

Keeping this in mind I started off with my education, passed every exam and solved every problem of life. These words enhanced my abilities through which I had great educational life.

From all the abilities I have, one is the leadership which of course is a great and mentionable one.
This skill can influence people in society and work place, for instance while I was a student of school I started a monthly magazine and a daily newspaper for the school students in which we published educational topics and some social issues for which we gathered solutions from the school students. I was the leader of the magazine and newspaper publishing team. That magazine became very popular in school for which I received appreciation letters from instructors and school principle and that became a compulsory task for the senior students to keep publishing both the magazine and newspaper.

This was not the only case where my parents' words and my own struggles gave me success, but other achievements were on the way. While I was in the university I faced many problems to study and learn my lessons well which enforced me to work harder and smarter, but it again gave me a point where I could help others.

I thought that I should arrange seminars and classes for new coming students so they will not face those problems which we faced. I gathered my friends and shared my idea with them which was accepted and appreciated by them. Then I created a group of my friends and started to arrange and manage free classes and seminars for the new students. Again this idea became famous and was appreciated by the dean of the faculty who invited me to his office and appreciated me with a letter of appreciation.

These activities made me famous among friends. One of my friends knew a radio journalist (Ishaq Sadat) who is currently working in Zhwandoon TV in Kabul. My friend introduced me to the journalist and by the passage of time the journalist became my close friend. His job was to report problems and issues of the people with the government.

Once while the journalist was sharing these issues with me, an idea came to my mind which was to create a social activist community in Jalalabad. I shared the idea with my friends and was immediately accepted by them. We created that community by the name of (Mubariza) which means (Struggle), registered it with the government, created facebook page and group (3500+ members) for it and gathered people from across the country. Nowadays we have more than 300 members all over the Afghanistan who work with us and we try to give clear concept about getting education, cleaning the city, stopping corruption, women rights, children rights and other activities. I am the leader of this community and we have performed well in Afghanistan especially in Nangarhar province where we have conducted several seminars and meetings.

We have stopped several corruption cases and cleaned the city several times.
This community is a great achievement of my life which I want to be continued forever.
I am working as hard as possible and to help the people of Afghanistan have good life and to overcome the current problems. To some point I am successful in my goals, but I want to do more.
sel7sel 1 / 1 1  
Oct 20, 2016   #2
Good essay overall, but some grammar issues such as needing more commas and shorter sentences.

... one is the leadership, which of course is ... <--- add comma before "which"

This sentence is long and somewhat awkward. You make it into two and/or add commas:
This skill can influence people in society and work place, for instance while ...

Facebook is capitalized.

... especially in Nangarhar province, where we have conducted ... <--- comma before "where"
munmar 4 / 11 5  
Nov 4, 2016   #3
i feel like your last paragraph is out of sync with the rest or it needs further development. currently it looks like a few lines randomly thrown into a flowing story. suggest you expand or remove.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,667 3487  
Nov 4, 2016   #4
Abdhul, I am not sure about what I am reading here. Is it a personal statement? A statement of purpose? A letter of intent? A background story? What is the direction this essay is supposed to head into? Most certainly, it is not a leadership and influencing essay for an important scholarship grant. These types of information can only be useful in college common app essays. Not topic centered, character intensive essay narrations for higher study. Therefore, this essay should be considered a failure in terms of delivering the necessary requirements for consideration with the rest of your application.

When you speak of leadership, you need to concentrate on one story alone. A story that will help convince the reader that you are a person with a keen interest in leading your people towards something definite. Of all the parts of this essay, the one that may come close to the leadership and influencing essay would be the development and subsequent actions that you took under the umbrella of the Mubariza organization that you helped create. You were the leader of this group right? So revise the story in your essay to focus on that.

Discuss the situation that led you to decide to create the group. How did you convince people that this was the best way to handle the problem? How did you inspire them to join you for the good of the nation? How did your leadership result in the lowering of corruption in your country? These questions will help you define who you are as a leader and an influential figure in your community.

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