"I have to go for it" - Letter of Self-Introduction KGSP - Masters Degree in Korea

Hello, I'm planning on applying to the Korean Government Scholarship Program 2017, I am asked to write a letter of self introduction, but I've never done something like this so I don't know where to start.

English is not my first language so I would greatly appreciate if you could correct me or help me make it sound more fluent.
I don't mind if all I wrote is wrong haha as I mentioned I'm really lost when it comes to write essays, however I will submit here what I've written.

My Dream of Earning a Masters Degree in Korea

My name is Ingrid Sandoval, and I was born on November 26th 1993 in Mexico. I was raised amongst a middle class family who always prioritized education. I finished my University education on January 2015 receiving a degree in Human Nutrition by Universidad del Valle de Atemajac (UNIVA).

During my time in University besides getting outstanding grades I also participated in extracurricular activities such as participating in four Nutrition Congresses and participated in the elaboration of an edible product that benefited patients with cardiovascular diseases, and, another social activities such as joining football and tennis.

After finishing my education I volunteered for a year at a sports facility (THE STATE COUNCIL FOR SPORTS DEVELOPMENT CODE) where my duty was to elaborate meal plans for athletes from different disciplines as well as measuring skin folds and recommendation of supplements for each discipline.

When I finished the volunteering I started giving nutrition consultations to the general public and participated in a project along with a colleague that consisted in measuring weight and height of kids (250) from the ages 4 to 17 years old and design a meal plan for those who weren't in the appropriate weight range.

One of my goals since I was in high school and chose nutrition as my major was to find a way to help people in need, and in my point of view nutrition has a big role in the worlds current situation of malnourishment and obesity, so I hope to find a way to combine my passion for nutrition with humanitarian actions to help people around the world.

I decided to study abroad because it brings my passions together, nutrition, language learning and traveling, I was learning Korean before I found out about this precious opportunity to strengthening my professional abilities so I thought to myself, "I have to go for it"

My interest for Korea and Korean culture started after I stopped trying to self learn it and enrolled in classes, in class I met many Korean teachers who really inspired me to visit their country because they talked so passionately about it, and it made me change my perspective from Korean being just another language I want to learn, to a culture I want to invest a good portion of my life in.

The KGSP really inspired me to continue with my education and pursue a Masters Degree. I wish to growth both professionally and as a person, and I believe that meeting people from all different cultures and backgrounds is the best way to put things into perspective and change your point of view on how you have been living your life.

In conclusion, I am excited to start my Masters Degree in Korea, I am sure that if granted this will be the best experience of my life and I would greatly appreciate this opportunity. Thank you for your time and for taking this application in consideration.

Thank you!

November 26th, 1993 -> Add a Comma
middle- class family
outstanding grades, I also -> Add a Comma
another social activities Consider replacing it with other
Third Paragraph ---> education, I volunteered--> Add a Comma
Fourth Paragraph --> the volunteering, I started --> Add a Comma
that consisted of measuring weight
Fifth Paragraph - the sentence is very long consider breaking into multiple sentences
My interest for Korea --> Replace with in
self- learn
The KGSP really inspired me to continue with my education and pursue a Masters Degree --> remove really and With redunant prepositions
my Masters Degree inKorea, I am ---> Replace Comma with ; --> my Masters Degree in Korea; I am

Try to replace Frequently used words such as big, nutrition and participating with some alternatives to make it look more attractive.

Ingrid, in order to create a proper letter of introduction for such a specific scholarship grant, you will need to make a lot of adjustments to the content of your letter. First of all, you have to understand that you are not being asked to provide a bio data in this letter. The information you currently have provided can be learned by the reviewer through the documents that you will be providing. This letter, is meant to help you focus on introducing how your interest in the Korean culture and language developed. I don't get a particularly relevant discussion of that in this letter. Before you tell the reviewer why you feel you will be a good student in Korea, you first have to convince him that you have the proper background and interest in the Korean lifestyle that will help you succeed once you begin studying in the country.