Here is my essay. Please have a look at it and let me know what I am doing wrong. Also it is a little more than 500 words. Please let me know what portion should I exclude or how should I shorten it. Thanks in Advance.
Chevening scholarship essay
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead.
Born in to an educated family, before immigrating to Pakistan due to the unsafe living conditions caused by raging civil war, my father was an experienced school teacher. I was raised in a nourishing educational and learning environment, even though we were deprived from the many rights one can enjoy in his/her own country. I always held hope for a better future, to live in peace and social stability back in our own country. I always believed in the mantra "hard work and study always pays off."
I have never stopped studying hard and trying to gain the highest scores possible during all of my educational schooling. I graduated high school with above 90% marks. In addition, during the first year of college due to my interest and talent in management sciences -- especially strategic management, project management and leadership -- I secured the top score on the entrance exam for Kardan Institute of Higher Education (KIHE). I was the sole 1st year college student who managed to convince the admission committee that I did not need a high school graduation certificate to be able to survive and thrive in the business department, and received admission in to the department of Business Administration. One year later, I received my diploma having C.GPA 3.27.
After graduating from high school, I received a scholarship of excellence from Pakistan Embassy and got admission into one of the most prestigious public sector university, University of Engineering and Technology (UET) Taxila. The most unforgettable moment ever, which entirely changed my life as a university student, was a bright spring day when as a second year B.Sc. student, I was asked by professors to begin demonstrating lab experiments and conducting viva as a lab assistant for first year students. This was the first time ever such an honor was bestowed upon an Afghan undergraduate in university's educational history. In the beginning it seemed quite unbearable for some of the faculty members that I was assisting professors, but as my knowledge of the subjects was excellent my acceptance by the students gradually grew, and students demanded me to teach night classes in my dorm and help them understand concepts which they somehow could not attain during a lecture. This helped me earn a good place with students and even in the faculty. My dorm in UET was later nicknamed and called "The Chamber of Problem Solving" by the students. Every day I was presented with new problems and challenges and helped many students not only with their studies, but also in social matters as they shared with me their family and social problems, future plans, and many other interesting topics, seeking my advice and help.
In addition to good performance in my academic career, I also was an executive member of the Institution of Civil Engineers (ICE) student's chapter UET, a student-run organization working to develop technical knowledge and leadership skills in youth by organizing a number of both technical and non-technical events.
As an undergraduate degree holder, I see myself at some stage achieving and obtaining my future goals. I believe a Masters' Degree will furnish me with more experience and academic excellence to help me achieve my goals.
I found the Chevening, one of the most admired scholarships, the best way for me to obtain my Master's Degree. Studying at a UK university will not only give me the edge in obtaining my degree, it will also help me to achieve my future goals, and add great experience to my teaching skills. The Chevening Scholarship will also give me the opportunity to experience UK culture while also presenting the true picture of Afghan culture to the UK and its citizens.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,524 3442
@Hikmatullah This essay does not respond to any of the required prompts in a Chevening scholarship essay. Which prompt in particular is this supposed to respond to? This is not a leadership essay, not a networking essay, not a study plan essay. There is no personal statement requirement for masters degree Chevening applicants. If you meant this to show off your leadership and influencing skills then you have failed miserably. I am assuming that is the essay that you are aiming to respond to because in the title of the essay, you used the term "influence". The only Chevening essay that requires that keyword is the Leadership and Influencing essay.
If I am right and that is the essay that you are trying to write, then you must revise your essay to show more of your leadership and team management style than anything else. I cannot even consider this essay a Statement of Purpose because it does not present a sense of direction for your career or anything else. You are a masters degree student and you are applying for a Chevening scholarship so your essays need to specific to the scholarship program considerations. This essay does not do that so this is not the essay that is required for your application. Read the required essays for the application and write an essay based on the instructions that you will be provided.
Your essay seems like a biography, which means that it does not have compelling message. You had better what kinds of message you want to deliver and match it with your experiences or thought. In addition, as Holt pointed out, you should find whether the scholarship foundation require you specific topic like leadership essay or just broad question(Statement of purpose).
If you set up your main message and then begin to illustrate your motivation and some experiences which can qualify you are such a great candidate to achieve your goal.
Hope you will prepare well for application.