Smiles Foundation: no link, no snide remarks, no side talks, no laughter, no gossip against You

Hello please is an essay am writing for a scholarship. Please is this a good essay? If not help me correct it.
Question: ESSAY: Describe the community service and leadership experiences you bring to ASU and how you will contribute to ASU's community if you were accepted into The MasterCard Foundation Scholars Program.

(minimum of 250 words, maximum of 750 words

Essay

Smiles Foundation is an anonymous friends group, to help people take out their hearts burden to discuss very intimate issues with us and ensure you remain anonymous: no link, no snide remarks, no side talks, no laughter, no gossip against You. We proffer solution to any issue that tries to take the Smile off any of our friends face. The journey of smiles started precisely in April 1983: Smiles is the outcome of a research that has been on since then.

It is a network set to bring to the fore all those nagging issues and fears which we all want to ignore and push under the carpet. Smiles encourages people to discuss them, so it can be resolved if possible once and forever. Smiles has being set up to create happiness for everyone that comes across Her way, bring joy, create good health, fun and laughter, develop happy groups who want peace of mind, unburden, a shoulder to cry on, meet and deliberate on workable solutions. Our friends are anyone who deserves a good and healthy life: women & men (married, separated, widowed, divorced, singles), Youth and even teenagers; especially adolescents and children in schools who are molested, abused and raped daily.

A leader is defined as someone who commands a group of people. In truth, however, a leader is much more than that. In my opinion, a leader is someone who has a vision and the passion to make it come to life. A leader is committed, determined, motivated, and good at working with others. I believe that all of these qualities define my personality when I set a goal. I have had a number of leadership experiences, but I like to share most recent one. I demonstrated leadership by setting a goal and accomplishing it. One-day in Trendz Technologies, The Head of IT had a terrible accident and couldn't come to day that day and I was the only person at the moment to replace him temporarily. The CEO called me to his office the next day and told me they just got a contract to install Microsoft Windows 7 operating system on Ninety - eight (98) Computers in two (2) days at a Customer care call center. Now when the company get a job like this, they usually employ more people and pay them for the installation $20 for each installation that is more than halve the money collected for the entire contract. So we went there. When we got there, I saw that all the computer were on same network and connected to central server. I remember Remote OS Installation I came across it sometime ego while I was reading about Windows Deployment. I said to him we don't need all this guys to do the installation manually, We can do it automatically, fast, install the OS on each computer at the same time and save time and money. He was amazed and said he had no idea it can be done like that. He said OK that he was going to give me a shot and if I couldn't do it he will fire me. I knew it was possible but I hadn't done it before. So that night do a lot of research about it, I would watch videos on how to it and about it online both on Microsoft website and other tech site. I also read about other ways and solutions to do it rather than Microsoft own instructions. I didn't sleep that night. After the research, I decided to try it on three (3) computers and it worked I was very happy. We had to fully complete the task by also installing the software the client will needed on their computer to do their job. So I did Windows Deployment (Unattended Installation) and added the applications necessary. (E.g Microsoft office, VoIP software e.t.c ) the installation image. As the new head of IT I had to show a good leadership example, creative thinking, commitment and solution provider.

Leonard, this is not a good essay because it does not answer the prompt in the way that you are required to. You are supposed to present your leadership abilities in line with the volunteer activity that you are participating in. Rather than reading about that, we got a seminar on the history of the organization you volunteer for and the work that you did for them later on. We don't need to know about the research you did in relation to your participation in the organization. What the essay is asking you to discuss are the moments that you had within your group membership that called upon you to be a good community member and leader , explain how you performed your duties in the leadership role, and finally how you plan to use those talents and traits that you developed during your stay as a university student at ASU.

While talking about how you installed computers for the organization may sound interesting to you, it does not display the kind of unique abilities that a community member or leader is expected to have. You need to discuss something related to your interaction with the members of the organization who in this case, represent your community, and how that interaction has helped you develop skills and abilities that are not developed in the classroom, that relates to the leadership part of the essay. Would you like me to offer you some examples of these roles in relation to a similar organization or do you have an idea of what I am referring to already?

It is vital that you revise your essay because you cannot use this current one for your application. It just does not properly answer the prompt. You have time to revise it and we will be here to assist you with it :-)

Hello, Thank you very much. Please I would you to show me some example please.

Leonard, the key to properly writing your essay stems from this particular sentence that you wrote in it:


That should be part of your introductory statement. Explain how you came into this leadership position through hard work, creative thinking, etc. Then start a new paragraph that explains your most recent leadership experience. My example for what you experienced would go something like this:

When my team was called to service the IT needs of one of our major clients, I came to the company with my whole team. Expecting to do the job quickly, and swiftly because of the number of people i had on-board with me to meet the problem and resolve it. As the leader of the group, it was my responsibility to analyze the situation, zero in on the problem, and delegate the tasks for solution application. However, after careful analysis, I realized that I over-prepared for the situation, owing my being a new leader, and would hinder the repairs if I used the whole team. At that very moment, I made a command decision to use only a few team members and let our instruments and equipment work to solve the problem for us. However, the problem was not so easily resolved either. I spent a sleepless night trying to find a better solution to the problem and eventually found it. I applied to on a experimental basis at the site the next day and managed to resolve the issue seamlessly. I then ordered that the same solution be applied across the board in order to resolve the issue. It is this same tenacity, skill, and perfectionist attitude that I plan to take with me during my university studies. These are the attributes that I know will help me get ahead in my classes. These are also traits that I hope to pass on to my fellow students as we work together in teams or as partners, hoping to inspire them to do their best in the same manner that I inspired my work team.

Again, the above is only an example of how I would approach writing your essay. You don't have to follow it if you feel it does not suit your writing style or needs. It is just a template for your consideration :-) Remember, base the revision on the quote I noted above in order to correct the content of your essay. That is most important.

Thank you very much. I will try and rewrite it now.

Hello, How about the part of the community service I hope to bring. is the one I wrote about smile foundation okay?

Leonard, how about shortening the introduction to the Smiles Foundation? It is simply too long when you should only be presenting the introduction to the organization as the group that you belong to where your leadership abilities are being honed for the benefit of others.

- There is a disconnection between your first and second paragraphs.First you talk about the organization and then without warning, jump to your idea of what a leader should be. You need to ease us into that paragraph. Also, you will notice that you were first discussing all about social issues handled by the organization. Then all of a sudden, you jump to an IT related issue. That just makes the essay feel extremely disconnected and without direction. You need to somehow relate you organization experience with IT instead of social consciousness.

The last part of the essay may work well with a revised version of the first 2 paragraphs. Care to give it a try? :-)

Hello, Thanks for the suggestion and correction but please could you help me rewrite it for me. And also please how can I connect the First part to the Second one with an example. Thank you very much. I will be very glad if you help do this.

Here is a sample opening statement that I hope will help merge the two ideas that exist as separate ideas in your essay at the moment. I hope you can use it as the basis for your revision :-)

I participate in two unrelated worlds of public service that have each managed to teach me something important about community service and leadership. In one community, the Smiles Foundation, I function as a community member helping to better the lives of others. While in the other community, as a IT department head of (name of company), I learned all about leadership and the importance of team work. Values which I hope to contribute to the ASU community once I begin the school term next year.

From that point you can discuss the Smile Foundation without having to relate it to the IT world. Just make sure to properly transition the paragraph before you begin discussing your IT work. Do you think you can develop a transition sentence for the two on your own?

Thank you very much for this. I can't develop a transition sentence for the two on my own. Please help me. Please help me develop it. Please Thank you again.