Starting a business - AAS Scholarship Questions

I need you guys to give me some useful suggestion, which is the better point that need to be changed? thanks in advance

How will your proposed study contribute to your career?

I have the intention of starting a business and I see my path of business through the agriculture industry, in the Champasak Province of mine, which has a tremendous potential for agriculture and tourism simultaneously. Specifically in the Bolaven Plateau, agricultural production is the primary economic contributor, for instance the production of coffee, vegetables and a variety of fruit. Currently, there are laotian business sectors inventing some products such as: Ready To Drink Coffee, Roasted Coffee Bean..., anyway, it's possible to lead up this food productions to the farther way, we can create various types of products from these farming products starting from fruit juice, snacks, Vitamin supplements and so on, alongside with this, the theme of agritourism, combining the aspects of agriculture and tourism business will enhance the economy the rural part of paksong, by increasing the number of tourists to an area. This will generate additional revenue to the local and opportunities to develop laotian enterprises by building up: wonderful decorated farms, village touring, forest trekking and natural sightseeing, it seems like turning farmland to a tourist destination. What i express may be the new things, but if it turns into reality, it will absolutely stimulate the local industries henceforward.

Under these circumstances, my proposed program of study will provide me the understanding about the environment of international trade and regional cultures in-depth, the course of international business will deliver me skills and knowledge that i need before setting up a business globally, i will develop a solid comprehension of core business disciplines with an international focus, in addition, i will have a chance to undertake an internship under the guidance of a workplace mentor, and finally, all of this, will be the superior benefits for my future international entrepreneur career.

The second paragraph is the better opening statement for your response. The summarized reference to your future career allows you to lay the foundation for the study areas related to it. Improve the presentation by focusing on your career plans rather than the business background of your community/ country. A quick reference to it will be okay, but not a whole paragraph. Developing the discussions presented in the second paragraph would better relate to the discussion requirements. Watch out for those punctuation mark problems. You may want to have your revised essay professionally edited when you are done with it. I am confident the revised version will better address the needed discussion. Relate your business plans with your study needs. Blend the 1st paragraph information into the 2nd paragraph. That way the 1st paragraph information becomes more relevant and influential in the discussion.

thank you for your advice