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PERSONAL STATEMENT of Winter Japan Cultural Camp Scholarship BACKGROUND

NhuQuynh12 1 / -  
Aug 30, 2019   #1
Hello! My name is Nhu Quynh. I intend to apply Winter Japan Cultural Camp Scholarship 2020. Here is my personal statement, they ask me 3 questions and I have to answer them. I'm a English learner and this is the first time I write essays for a scholarship l so I really need your feedback and advice for my essays. So sorry for the grammar errors, I'll fix them after getting your feedback. Thank you in advance !


1) Tell us about yourself (your family, your daily activities, your experiences, etc) Min 150 words, max 500 words

Every morning, I wake up at 5 AM, put on my sweater and head out while the sun is still asleep to shop for my family. Bargaining is something that I always force myself to get at least 15% off on every item in Duc Trong market. Through covered in sweat and hunger, I go home with the satisfaction of having saved at least a little amount of money on my vegetables. Because of being born in a normal family in Vietnam, my mom often teaches me how to spend money reasonably. My parents are both teachers of a high school in our district; therefore, their salary is not high, just enough to live for a living. I have realized our circumstance since I was a child, hence I appreciate from ordinary to valuable things which my family have.

Ever since I turned 10, I have lived with my grandmother in the center of town, which is pretty far from my parents and my little brother. Throughout the time, the independence in my personality has been built gradually; doing laundry, cooking, tidying up and caring my grandmother are the things that I get used to doing. Growing up in a highly educational tradition, I inherit the ability to be hard-working and studious from my excellent parents. Although I was not born into wealth, the motivation to make the world better has urged me to push myself forward and let my originality go. Hoping to be a pride for my parents, a joy spreader for those in need of encouragement, I strive to excel at one of the most prestigious High school in Lam Dong province. I promise to myself that I'll strive hard to give back my privilege to the world. I join in a Taekwondo club every day after school which is not only for enhancing my physical health but also protecting myself in case I am in emergency circumstances. That club is regarded as my second family where I can comfortably share my emotion with other members; It becomes a special and unforgettable part of my life.

"Your dreams are what define your individuality. They have the power to give you wings and make you fly high", P. V. Sindhu once said. My desire is traveling around the world; that dream has been nourished over years inside my mind through my precious book self. I read so various books that are uncountable, especially traveling genre; they awake my curiosity in my mind about the world outside. All of a sudden, I set my heart on getting more knowledge from the world about cultures, people,... I have had my specific plan for my future and the experience in another country must be on the journey of my life. I look forward with excitement and anticipation as I prepare to write the next chapters of my life.

one at a time
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Sep 5, 2019   #2
Hello there, Nhu! I wish you the best of luck in your application for the scholarship. I hope that this feedback serves you well in your writing endeavors. Should it help you, I hope that it can continuously shed light into your essay writing.

First and foremost, while I think that the first paragraph is quite a creative approach to the topic at-hand, I recommend that you try to keep everything as concise as possible. To evade the issue of over-explaining, you should be able to merge your thoughts and opinions to cultivate a substantive writing approach.

Furthermore, while the second paragraph was great in explaining your values as an individual, I recommend enhancing your writing with the usage of more detailed accounts of how you had exhibited them. Move forward from all the basic and fundamental notes - and try to focus more on writing that's solely for the purpose of showcasing your skills as an individual.

While the last paragraph is quite interesting as it showcases you as an individual who has external sources of appreciation, it would be beneficial if you can link all of these details into the story of your life. Doing this would enable readers to have an enhanced outlook on your essay.

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