I have a strange, maybe negative feature.. SELF INTRODUCTION for KGSP

Hi, I'm applying for KGSP . I need your help in analyzing my self introduction letter. I'm not very good at writing.

SELF INTRODUCTION
oYour course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

I love to win and to be awarded

My name is Utkirbek. I'm from Uzbekistan. I was born in village which called "Muzbel". I was grown up there. And I love it all my life. Because of high interesting to learn I had to study in city school being away from home. I think everone's destiny depends on his or her parents. My parents also are very important in my life. My father is good at math and very strict. That's why I always got good marks by my teachers. As a result, I was very interested in math in school period and this lead me interesting and attractive subject called economy. I won the first rank in subject competition of pupils of Jizzakh city schools on the subject of "Economy". And I was awarded in the eyes of my peers. It was my first achievement. My parents were very happy and this situation promoted me more.

You know, I have a strange, maybe negative feature. It is that I like to be awarded in the eyes of my peers and when I participate in any competititon I intend to win second rank at least. But in others opininon this feature is considered as a negative.They mean that people mustn't try to be awarded in the eyes of others. But I ensure you this feature will lead you more quickly than other features. In anticipation of such kind of feelings I am building my lifestyle.

Having finished school I continued my study in lyceum. But at that time my mind was busy taht new achievements and goals too. In liceum, I won the first rank in subject competition of sudents of liceums and colleges in Jizzakh region on the subject of "Economy". in last course of liceum i have to choise one of high schools to continue my next step of education. There was not any difficulty, because my father is economist and my interest is only connected with economy, so I apllied for tashkent financial institute. During bachelor period there were many opportunities and competitions. They say "Bachelor diploma does not prove that you are excellent but it proves that you had many opportunities". Such kind of opportunities i had many. One of them is subject competition of students of Republic of Uzbekistan on the subject of "Theory of Economy". I won second rank in this competition., I graduated institute in 2016.

There was strict dean, Odil Sattarov in our faculty. We, all students respect him because of his several features. We used to listen more to him. He always said students promoting and emotional words. The most important for me among them is this: "When you get your first achievement, the rests get you themselves." He was absolutely right. After winning in subject competition I was awarded by "Shinhan Bank Foundation Group".

By the way my passion for learning languages made me choose to study foreign languages during bachelor period, when I studied Russian and English. At the present time I'm learning korean language. Learning language open will open new world and new opportunities. So I always try to learn new languages. You see, I'm learning Russian, English and Korean languages. Because these three language have power of the world. In my opinion Korean language is door of East, Russian is door of north and English is door of the rests of countries of world.

Korean master degree is gate of future which involves new achievements and awards. I beleive that in this condition KGSP will be stronghold of mine. Of course everyone has his or her interests in any kind of area. I have also my interests. Firstly, I want to be perfect specialist in my area, secondly, i shall be in attractive country and last one , I will have new freinds of course. I ensure you I'll try to be profitable for KGSP and Korea with my several features,such kind of hardworking and demanding.

The words above mentioned seems cruelty,but for me is comfortable to speak. I hope that you will accept

Utkirbek, you almost presented a proper KGSP self introduction letter. The first part, about your course of life is right on the mark. You accurately represented your background and the influence of your parents in your life, both academic and personal. However, that is all you got right with the self introduction.

There is an unnecessarily long focus on your full academic background. It contains a number of irrelevant information, including that of your principal. the academic background should only be discussing your college background in relation to your interest to accounting. So that academic discussion should only present the university where you attended (watch out for those tricky capital letters), what your major was, what accomplishments you had during this time and how it prepared to become an accountant. What is liceum? Is that your university name? Or is that the equivalent of college in your country? You need to better explain that to the reviewer because it seems that the educational qualifications in your country is different from the rest of the world.

Right now, you are missing the all too important professional background which is supposed to explain to reviewer how your current career has prepared you to take this masters course in particular. Without the professional experience, it will be difficult for the reviewer to assess he relevance of your college degree to your occupation, the position you have in your current occupation and how it relates to your masters degree course interests, and how the masters degree course can help you become a better accountant. What are the motivating factors behind this masters degree interest?

You also lack a clear representation of the reasons why you want to study in Korea. It seems that you are interested in Linguistics. However, for the purpose of this self introduction, you should concentrate on what interests you about Korean culture, academics, and Hangeul in particular. Don't discuss other languages that are irrelevant to the self introduction purpose.

The information I listed for removal and revision, as well as the parts that I require you to add are all necessary in order to create a more appropriate self introduction letter. I hope that you listen to me and try to follow as much of the advice that I have given you as you can. It will make a better letter for you in the end.

@Holt
Thank you very much for your advice. I tried to follow your instructions. And changed my self introduction draft. I think you will assess this draft as well. Thank you beforehand.

By the way, in first draft i had mistake with "liceum". The correct is "lyceum".

My name is Utkirbek. I'm from Uzbekistan. I was born in village which called "Muzbel". I was grown up there. And I love it all my life. Because of high interesting to learn I had to study in city school being away from home. I think everyone's destiny depends on his or her parents. My parents also are very important in my life. My father is good at math and very strict. That's why I always got good marks by my teachers. As a result, I was very interested in math in school period and this lead me interesting and attractive subject called economy. (...)

Since you graduated in 2016, have you not been able to work at a bank or apply your studies as an economist in any professional capacity? Please review the discussion requirements of the KGSP self introduction. You will notice that you are being asked to detail your professional experience up to the present. Why haven't you mentioned anything in relation to that? Are you applying right after graduation? Is there no chance that you will be working before you have to submit your application? You have to understand that if you do not have any professional references, your application will not be in a good position for consideration. All of the other applicants will have work qualifications to speak of in relation to their chosen masters degree. You have not represented that at all in your essay. You still need to edit the content of your college experience because it is too long and does not focus on the correct content. Just concentrate on presenting your internship experience in relation to your college studies. Do not present any questions as you have done so now. Those questions are irrelevant to the application. The reference to the dean, is not required either. The saying about college, not needed. There are just too many unnecessary references in that paragraph that it would be best if you wrote a totally new one instead, that focuses on the requirements of the college experience in relation to your professional transition from economy student to economy professional / economist.

@Holt
Thank you for the time you spent to check my drafts Holt. I have a problem with work experience that you are asking me to write in my essay. I have no work experience since I`ve graduated the institute, because I applied for master`s degree of Tashkent Financial Institute and now I am a first year student at master`s. That`s why I haven`t worked yet. What do you suggest me do with it? Should I tell the truth or hide it? I am confused and can`t decicde what to do.

@Utkirbek
For me, I think you have to be honest with your application. If you haven't started your professional career and they will see that you have a gap from graduation to your application doing nothing, they will ask what you've done within that period. It is better to be honest. But it all depends on you.

Your application will be weakened by the fact that you do not have any work experience to speak of. If you can change the paragraph about your internship and strengthen it to include the lessons that you learned from that semi-professional work experience, it should help to create a minor type of work experience for you. While it is not requested for in the prompt, you should explain that your lack of actual work experience comes from you applying for and immediately attending masters classes at (mention university) immediately upon graduation. While the scholarship reviewer may find your essay less impressive due to the lack of experience, you can try to make your internship sound exemplary so that it might cover some of the problems that your lack of experience in the field creates. Again, your essay will be weak and will lack a competitive edge at this point but you can still proceed with your application. Whether it will be considered or not, based upon the provided merits, is all up to the reviewer. It never hurts to tell the truth.

@Holt
Good afternoon. Dear Holt. I'm loading my draft again. i tried to follow your instructions. I paid more attention to actual work experience. If you check my draft again, I'll be grateful. thank you in advance

I LOVE TO WIN AND TO BE AWARDED
My name is Utkirbek. I'm from Uzbekistan. I was born (...)

Having finished school I continued my study in lyceum. But at that time my mind was busy with new achievements and goals too. In last course of lyceum I have to choice one of high schools to continue my next step of education. There was not any difficulty, because my father is economist and my interest is only connected with economy, so I applied for Institute of Finance in Tashkent. My major was "banking".

During bachelor period there were many opportunities and competitions. Such kind of opportunities I had many. One of them was subject competition of students of Republic of Uzbekistan on the subject of "theory of economy". I won second rank in this competition. They say "When you get your first achievement, the rests get you themselves." He was absolutely right. After winning in subject competition I was awarded by "Shinhan Bank Foundation Group". Finally, I graduated institute in 2016.

We know that banks are important part of payment system of any country. In my opinion bankers are the strongest economists in the world. That's why I learned subjects which involve knowledge on banking and finance. Every year, at the end of every course we were ordered to bank internships. But we had one right. It was that we could choice what bank we would go. I was an intern at only joint stock commercial bank namely "Aloqabank" for whole bachelor period. I tried to learn more about bank system. During internship I knew that I had ability on banking and finance. Especially, Department of Securities was very interesting me. In bank I worked as a staff. I followed all regulations. So Chairman and other used to talk to like a banker. They offered me formal job, but I wanted to continue my study. So I applied for master's degree on "banking account". My Internship haven't stopped with this, because I am intern in this bank after lessons..

At the present time I'm learning Korean language. Learning Korean language will give more information about Korean people and their culture. In our national TV channels historical and modern Korean series are showed frequently. I think my interest to Korea began with this Korean series. You know that our country is located far from world ocean. But Korea is located near ocean. Korean people lifestyle is related to country location. There is no doubt that such kind of lifestyle always attract us.

Korean master degree is gate of future (...)

The last line in your essay should be removed, It is irrelevant to your earlier statements and does not help to improve the content of your essay. By the way, are you applying for a PhD KGSP or a masters degree? You should make that very clear in your letter of self introduction. Have you already completed your previous masters course or are you looking to continue it in Korea? Another question you have to respond to is "What is your motivation to study the course you are applying to?" It does not have to be related to Korea in response. However, it has to be career connected as a step towards improving your career opportunities in your home country. Try to lessen the academic discussion. Just focus on college and your accomplishments there. High school and grade school are no longer important in this discussion. Specially since you already have a previous masters degree. Highlight that masters course, what you learned from it and how it helped you improve your career. Talk about how your current line of study will relate to your previous courses. Once you do those things, the essay might develop a better, more usable format. At the moment, it is still not at the level of usability that you need it to be at.