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'How can I strive to become a better person?' Leader answering a question

nachosuperxs 1 / -  
Oct 13, 2015   #1
Leaders have the ability to ask outstanding questions that make people think and inspire action. What question do you feel you should answer for this scholarship application?

How can I strive to become a better person?

People often struggle making the right decisions in life, even high school students. They may procrastinate and not do their homework. It is difficult to aim for good as sometimes the urge to take the easy path is strong. Sometimes to help yourself you have to help someone else. By helping other people, you will get a sense of responsibility. For example, I have tutored students with their math homework. As I help them, I feel good about myself. I feel great that I am doing good, and the person whom I'm helping shows me their appreciation. We become friends. This has made me want to do more good. I've been in the science Olympiad since my sophomore year, and my senior year I will apply to be a team captain. The science Olympiad team captain helps the novice people clarifying things about events, helping them gather materials for constructions, and other. I am now ready and eager to help them. I will show them how to find their own path. I want to develop them to be leaders on their own. This urge is what fuels my passion for becoming a better person. Every choice I make, I will be a step closer to being better. I will seek outside sources for help. Once acquired such skills, they must be use them to make a better world. Every person I meet, I will try my hardest to make their lives better. Befriend them, help them with their problems, give them advice. Doing this will give me many allies in life. One has to use this inspiration, this fuel to always heading towards your better self. Lately I have realized the importance of many things in my life. Consequently, I am now willing to accomplish my goals. Isaiah Berlin, a 20th-century philosopher, wrote about the types of liberty. There is "negative" liberty, which means freedom from interference. The other type of liberty is "positive" liberty, which means freedom of self mastery. I have changed my lifestyle for the better, and I am pursuing Isaiah Berlin's "self mastery". I will do this until I become the best person I can be. I might still make poor decisions, but I try my best to recognize those problems and to fix them. I use this discipline to try to realize my full potential as a person, to be aware of the importance of certain things in life, to know what my purpose is, and to know what I am capable of, because one can really do anything if one really makes an effort. Everyone has heard the phrase,"never give up," and in the past I have thought that it was simply a cheesy line. But in recent years, I have realized how important it really is never to give up one's aspirations. Going through these processes will make you succeed in life both as a person and a leader.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 13, 2015   #2
Jose, I read your essay and I have to say that I think you are answering the wrong question. Instead of trying to explain how you can strive to be a better person, you should instead be discussing why you are striving to be a better person. That is the question that I was able to form in my mind after completely reading and analyzing your essay.

You talk strongly about helping to make the world that you move in a better place. By discussing Isaiah Berlin, you have shown the reviewer that you are not merely paying lip service when you say you strive to be a better person. You actually are trying to improve yourself. It would have been nice to read a part in your essay that discusses how you see yourself influencing other people to become better themselves through your own self improvement actions. That would have actually brought your discussion to a complete loop. I say that because the way you speak in the essay reminds me that when one becomes a better person, he has the opportunity to pay it forward by helping others better themselves as well.

Basically, your essay is quite good. You just need to work on the formatting because right now, all your discussions as squished on the page. It looks like a jumble of words that are hard to read. So you should work on dividing the essay into discussion paragraphs. By dividing the topics into specific sections, you will also be able to better assess if you left anything that you wanted to say out of the paper or, if you want to add something to what you have already said.

I will admit that I spotted some grammar errors in the paper. However, since I am making some content suggestions, I don't feel I should point those out for correction at the moment. That is the last step towards finalizing your essay and we are still far from that point.

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