'the strong will and the motivation' - Self introduction for KGSP scholarship

I am applying for the KGSP and this is my self introduction. I am not really good at English I need help:

o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

They say do not plan your life. God has a plan for you. But, have you ever heard of dreams? I had them since I was a child; and those dreams needed a plan. I dreamed of becoming a nurse the moment my younger brother was vaccinated. I was fascinated by the nurses who were giving the injections. The picture is vague in my mind and I don't remember how old I was. Although, I do remember the strong will and the motivation I had since that moment.

I had to make my dream come true by putting my plan into action to achieve my goal. My goal was to get a scholarship to study nursing. I learned to work hard from my parents who got through the hardships and stuck together throughout the years to raise me and my six siblings; even though we had a low-income. I studied really hard and got outstanding grades in my school years. I was competitive and liked achieving my goals which made me proud of myself. I had leadership qualities, my colleagues always chose me to be their leader. I don't remember being in a group without being the leader. Also, I wanted to be a person who touches the lives and hearts of others. I like helping people and putting a smile on their faces. Therefore, I was more determined to achieve my goal.

During my high school years, my grandmother was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus type 2 and hypertension. She was neglecting her health by not taking the prescribed medications and eating sugary food. I was really concerned about her health. Therefore, I searched about hypertension and diabetes mellitus. I read about them and educated my grandmother. I taught her the complications that she may get if she does not take her prescribed medications. Also, I encouraged her to change her lifestyle and eat healthy food. I felt great at that time because she listened to what I had to say and took me seriously. The change that I could make in someone's life made me really happy. At that time. I had visited the school nurse so many times to learn from her. She was an excellent role model of a community health nurse. I learned so much from her and I had realized that I had chosen to pursue the right profession all along. In 2011, I graduated from high school with a high GPA. I was one of the top students in my class. I was granted a scholarship from the Ministry of Education to study nursing in College of Health Sciences, University of Bahrain. With the education and experiences I had in high school; I was ready to start my journey as a nursing student. I had a plan in mind since the first year in college which is pursuing a Master's of Science in Nursing after completing my Bachelor. I have many reasons, first of all, I want to specialize to be a community health nurse. Secondly, I will have many career opportunities as a master's holder. Thirdly, holding a master's degree could give me satisfaction and make me proud of myself. In college, we did clinical rotations in different wards and areas. I utilized the education I learned in class to deliver a professional nursing care to the patients. What I liked the most is the family and community care course. I had the passion for preventing illness and promoting the health and wellness of the community. I liked working with people of different ages and cultures; especially educating the members of the community about various health issues. This course made me realize that I want to be a community health nurse. Major health issues in Bahrain such as obesity, sickle cell disease, hypertension, and diabetes mellitus make me really concerned as a nurse; especially with the increase in population. The increase of chronic diseases in my country places a growing importance on promoting a healthy lifestyle and educating the society.

In the fourth year, My group and I had done a research titled Minimization in Fatalities, Ambulance Calls, and Hospital Admissions for Road Traffic Accidents after Implementation of New Traffic Laws in Bahrain. We participated with this research in the 3rd CHS Students Scientific Day and won 2nd place. I have done my internship for 3 months in a neuro surgical ward and sickle-cell disease medical ward. I liked teaching the patients there about the prevention of the sickling episodes. I graduated from college with GPA 3.71/4. My dreams are to get accepted in KGSP, get a MSN and become a community health nurse who will promote the health and wellness of the different communities in my county.

I got interested for applying for KGSP program because it offers a great opportunity to international students to study in the top universities in South Korea, learn the Korean language, and experience the Korean culture.

I got into the Korean culture in 2012, I was first introduced to Korean pop music through YouTube. Then I was introduced to Korean drama through a friend of mine. I became totally interested in the Korean culture, language, history, fashion, and makeup. I watched videos and read websites about them. Then I tried the Korean food and I fell in love. I have chosen South Korea because it is has the top universities in Asia. It is a good opportunity to earn a master's in this county and experience the culture there. It has been my dream since 2012. Moreover, I want to be dependent and make new friends. There is a long way upon me and I want to make it full of great and meaningful experiences in life.

Hi Fatema, your essay was too general to read, it was like reading your resume. You got so and so marks, you love the job of the nurse so you want to become one. You want to go Korea because you liked the culture.

You have to show your passion for study. How you were fascinated by this program, what we dream as a child and how we convert that dream to our career goal, there is a difference in this. You need not to describe your grades but how you got those grades, of course by working hard but what else? What drives you to become a nurse? Apart from culture, what about the school, what about the program? How you plan to use your study skills in the program to achieve your career goals? What is your career goal, not to get a travel ticket to Korea but to pursue a degree. You need to mention the reasons for pursuing this degree and how it will help you in future? You are competitive, demonstrate leadership qualities, you need not to tell this by yourself. But show what you done in order to be considered as competitive and a leader. the reason you said that putting smiles and helping others is emotional reason, you could have joined a NGO for that while choosing any other profession. Why you chose to be a nurse then, being a nurse is lot more than that. You need to explain it here. Words you gave here seems like copied from the curriculum of a nurse. This is we all know, diagnosing, implementing..........different ethnicity and different people, these are the duties of a nurse, we know it. Tell the readers what they don't know. you mentioned your research project and areas where you worked as an intern. This might be written in your resume too but tell how you managed to carry out that research. What experience you had and how it motivated you to study further. You need to write your experience here, not just numbers of your work. You had a good start by saying that you had a plan, it made me think something new and unique is coming but then you diverted. Explain your plan here. Looking forward to your plan of study:)