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"A student who is literate and educated: biotechnology" - why I deserve scholarship?



osbuka 1 / 1  
Apr 14, 2011   #1
Why do you deserve 100% scholarship?

One of the most essential issues for students today relates to "Scholarship". Because every student wishes to get education freely, reason of not having much money. Like many other graduating high school students, I have come to the most important decision in my life which every person must make throughout her life in order to guide her actions and control her future. And my determination was to get a scholarship. I believe I deserve this scholarship because I will use my studies to help people like sharing my knowledge and skills with others to develop Mongolian medicine, industry and agriculture.

I think I have some good abilities to win this scholarship. For example, I have cleverness to acquire knowledge quickly, also I am well aware of what I want and I have confidence that attending American university. I am an individual with self-control, good listening skills, knowledgeable, hardworking and its rewards. So this scholarship gives me a chance to pursue my intension to entrance into Cambridge in the USA as a biotechnology student. Why should I choose biotechnology? How could it help the others? I asked these questions from myself many times before I have chosen biotechnology exactly as my career. Biotechnology can be used to help any form of life from plants to animals and even food and medicine. It creates a big area to sustain people's life.

I have paid more attention to learn about my favorite field, biology, which helps me to become more certain about my future and it is guiding me to my purpose to become a biotechnologist which added more flame to my burning desire. The reason why I choose biotechnology for a subject to do my paper on is because I have a strong interest in the subject matter. Biotechnology might be a difficult subject but I have a great dream to develop Mongolia and I believe the learners of the university will help me to be an accomplished person. As I researched, there are a lot of students who are being trained in Cambridge that is a group of diverse people. So I will have a chance to not only build close relationship with the other learners who share common interest and commitment to study with but also professors. People say "When a group of diverse people come together for a common goal, because different people bring divergent things to the table like skills, experiences and idea. So scholarship gives me an opportunity to meet different culture, a new environment and new people. I know I can settle in this new place and be the best.

Scholarship is for anybody not only who has a high quality of knowledge but also needs some financial aid to afford a good education. My family's resources are limited but my family was trying harder to send me to the USA. But it is not enough for studying in Cambridge. I have studied and experienced a lot since I started learning English to reach the goal to study abroad. And If I am given the scholarship, I can further my accomplishment without worrying about my family's financial problem, and more important, I can stand a better chance to be an outstanding biotechnologist, that is to take me a step closer to success. I think my future life is up to this scholarship. Without this scholarship, achieving my goals will be difficult.

I think I am an idealistic person who strongly believes that it is the responsibility of private corporation and individuals to contribute towards the welfare of society. We students all continuing our education and trying to better ourselves is an amazing thing. Thereupon, I have realized that I am more efficient when others encourage and support me whether it is a difficult race or just the first day of school. We all deserve this scholarship the best. We are going to university to open up some opportunities and to make our future like a wonderland. I believe I can be the one of the students that scholarship is looking for who is literate and educated.

I want to add sth like my mother is a biology teacher so I'm continuing her but better

babble71 - / 2  
Apr 14, 2011   #2
"scholarships" lose the "because" not a good way to start any sentence "Every student wishes to get a free education." Cut down your sentences, they're too wordy READ THIS OUTLOUD TO YOURSELF!!! See how it sounds your tenses are off. Just minor errors. Good Luck to you and your endeavors. Try a Writing center in a local university they can be of more assistance too.
OP osbuka 1 / 1  
Apr 14, 2011   #3
thank you so much i will rewrite it
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Apr 17, 2011   #4
Yes, let's simplify a little...

One of the most essential issues for students today relates to "Scholarship". Because every student wishes to get education freely, reason of not having much money. The reader knows this. It's too obvious.

This is a nice way to start the essay:
Like many other graduating high school students, I have come to the most important decision in my life which every person must make throughout her life in order to guide her actions and control her future. And My determination was to get a scholarship, because I will use my studies to help people by sharing my knowledge and skills with others to develop Mongolian medicine, industry and agriculture. (I think you should add a sentence right here to tell what your specialization will be: what will your specialization be in the field of bio?)

Be very specific. Remember, you only deserve the scholarship if you have made a plan and if you are working toward a goal.

Do NOT include any "statement of the obvious." Google that term if you are not sure what it is.
This is a statement of the obvious:
Scholarship is for anybody not only who has a high quality of knowledge but also needs some financial aid to afford a good education.
Start that paragraph this way:
My family's resources are limited but ...

:-)


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