Study in UK question for scholarship.

Hi, I need feedback in my essay and help with my sentence structure and grammatical errors.

UK Study in Multicultural Environment

Outline why you have selected your chosen three university courses and explain how this relates to your previous academic or professional experience and your plans for future.

Annette Baker Fox wrote, "The distinctive power of great states flows from their military strength.. For small state, diplomacy is the tool of statecraft." XXX, a small, landlocked developing country is geographically located between two economic powerhouses- YYY and ZZZ. While XXX could have developed through strong economic diplomacy between the two powerhouses through trade, investment and technological transfer, its lack of credibility and political instability has affected foreign policy and international relations, hampering overall development of the country. Consequently, XXX has not been able to show greater visibility in the UN nor explore possibilities of economic diplomacy.

Having a degree in Economics in my undergraduate studies, I have understood that a country like XXX can prosper with relationship of trust and confidence with foreign countries. Therefore, I want to obtain Master's degree in International Relation which will lay foundation in my career aspiration. I have strong reasons to opt for a Master's degree in the United Kingdom, firstly, the universities will provide a global perspective of international relations through which I can build strong international networks which would be an asset for my career, and most of all fortify my employ-ability skills in the competitive job market. Henceforth, I have chosen three courses in the renowned universities namely - MSc International Relations (Royal Holloway, University of London), MA International Relations (University of Leeds), MA International Relations (University of Essex). While looking for universities I found that these three universities fit my interests and aspirations the best.

MSc International Relation at Royal Holloway is one of the largest Masters streams offered by the Department of politics and International Relations. It has wide range of optional modules like South Asian Politics, media and war which will give me opportunities to represent South Asia. Moreover, I will obtain global perspective of international politics and policies. Additionally, obtaining a degree from University of London would be an asset.

The University of Leeds has wide range of opportunities for international students. Additionally, the course provides a distinctive research environment by which I can hone my research and analytical skills which will assist me to continue research after I come back to my home country.

Department of government in The University of Essex is one of the largest and most prestigious in Europe. The department runs workshops and seminars where the students will have opportunity to meet up with speakers and provides environment to learn through discussion. Computer lab classes will intensify mu technical skills.

Studying in a multicultural environment in one of the three chosen universities will provide me with right skills and education to achieve my future goals. Coming back to my work place after I gain vast knowledge about the subject will boost my confidence whereupon I can start research in International Human Rights, worldwide issues like HIV/AIDS, and work in collaboration with governmental and nongovernmental organizations.

-- a wide range


I think you may use a period instead of a comma between "Kingdom" and "firstly"

Overall, I believe you have written an excellent essay that demonstrates your connection to the program. But I think your first paragraph, though well-written, may not be right to the point. Obviously it shows your in-depth thinking on your study, yet you will to quite good to attract the reader by starting with the second paragraph as it directly talks about the relationship between you and the major.

I hope my personal views helps!

Sunika, the first paragraph of your essay is confusing, I'm not sure how to incorporate it in order to create a smooth flow of the essay. I'm not saying that you have to entirely delete the first paragraph but I need you to make sure that the transition of the paragraphs are smooth and is related to the goal of the essay.

Now let's go ahead and tackle the succeeding paragraphs;

2nd paragraph
- I want to obtain my Master's degree
- firstly , the universities

3rd paragraph
- obtaining a degree from the University of London would be an assetis an absolute honor .

- Additionally,T he course provides

- most prestigious universities in Europe.
- Computer lab classes will intensify my technical skills.
- provide me with the right skills
- will boost my confidence whereupon I can start research

Sunika, the rest of the paragraphs are good and aside from the remarks made above, I hope you will be able to come up with a stronger essay.