The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay!

I am applying for the Chevening scholarship, just finished writing one of the answers for the four questions.My answer is very long i need help in editing it and make it within the word count of 500 and also looking forward on your corrections, comments and suggestions. Thank you.

Outline why you have selected your chosen three university courses, and explain how this relates to your previous academic or professional experiences and your plan for the future.

From my experience there are two categories of medical students. Those who are absolutely sure as to what field of medicine they want to specialize in from the very beginning of medical school , then there are those who leave there options open till the very end, till they have learned a great deal about the complex human body and its functions. I believe I belonged to the second category, and didn't really have my mind set on one particular organ.

My interest in Dermatology started in 5th year of medical school when I studied the Skin Hair and nail module in great length and learned about their associated diseases and treatments. What intrigued me was the fact that 'dermatology is an art of seeing'. It offers the possibility to make a diagnosis by sight without any further evidence or technological aids. This is not possible in most of the other disciplines. My interest grew deeper during the internship year, when I worked as an intern in the dermatology rotation. It made me experience the clinical aspects of it, and I was fascinated by the fact that the field is so diverse and multi-faceted. You get to see everything - from harmless rashes to life threatening illnesses. It allows you to practice both things- work as a surgeon as well as provide non-surgical treatments.

When I shifted to India immediately after internship in 2011, I took a break from my career and got married. After settling down I started working as a General Physician in a private hospital in Lucknow, India. As rewarding as that is I knew I will never be satisfied until I become a dermatologist. Living and working in my home country has only encouraged me to per sue my specialization.

As dermatology is a fast growing field of medicine worldwide, in India alone the skin care segment has shown tremendous growth in recent years. Factors like global warming, anti-aging solutions, growing media influences, increase in disposable incomes, lifestyle related disorders, craze for cosmetic surgeries, low cost of treatment, and booming medical tourism are driving this market. As the living standards in India are improving there is a rising concern about beauty and looks especially among the youth. But this growth and change is mostly seen in urban regions, like Chandigarh, Mumbai, Chennai, Delhi etc.

In smaller cities like Lucknow, where I live there is still a lack of awareness in the general population and the skin care centres cater to only a small segment of skin treatments and a particular segment of the society. The situation is further worsened by the low availability of dermatologist In India. The severity of growing skin diseases in India is further emphasized by the fact the WHO has included skin diseases under the most common non-communicable diseases in India. Hence there is a dire need of comprehensive skin care setups providing all skin care treatments under one roof.

The course I have chosen is MSc in Clinical Dermatology at the University of Cardiff and at the Kings College London and MSc Dermatology skills and treatment at university of Hertfordshire.

The MSc in clinical Dermatology offered at Cardiff and Kings College London is my desired program to do as it is a well-structured, highly practical one year taught program designed specifically for medical graduates willing to specialize in dermatology. It will provide me a combination of clinical skills and knowledge as well as laboratory sciences relevant to skin diseases. It will give me the opportunity to learn from the best as many of the lectures and clinics are led by world leading experts in dermatology.

Studying in UK will provide me with a master's degree that will be recognized and reputed worldwide. This program will be the perfect start to my dermatology career back home. It will provide me the confidence, skills and knowledge required to reach my long term goal of opening up a world class skin care treatment centre in India. To be a part of the change required in my country, to expand and improve the skin treatment facilities provided to them.

I look forward to the social and academic challenges of being a chevening scholar. I am aware of the demands of a full time taught postgraduate course, but my commitment and desire to become a dermatologist will only be strengthen through my experiences at one of the prestigious universities in UK.

Hi Aysha, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful as well valuable to your writing projects, we aim at providing you with the most accurate feedback that will enhance your essay and create a more credible note for submission.

Having said that, below are my suggestions that is focused on the last paragraph of the scholarship essay.

- Studying in the UK will provide
- me with a master'sMaster's degree that
- will beis recognized and reputed worldwide.
- toof my dermatology career back home.
- It will provide me with the confidence,
- To be a part of the change requiredabout to take over in my country,
- treatment facilities provided to them is an honor and service for greater welfare to my countrymen .

- of being a C hevening scholar.
- I am aware of the demands of a full time taught postgraduate course,
- butand my commitment
- strengthen through mywith the experiences
- at one of the prestigious U niversities in the UK.

There you have it Aysha, as you know the Chevening Scholarship is one of the most sought after scholarship there is in the academic world and I believe it is a very rewarding one once you get to be part of it and ultimately finish it. Going back to your essay, I believe it's just very minor details such as your linking verbs and though this is just minor, it will make a huge difference if they're not in your essay.

Do let us know what comes out of your application, we'd love to hear from you.

Thank you so much for your corrections, i will definitely use them in my essay. Currently i am having a hard time trying to figure out what to delete as its a 735 word essay and the max word limit for it is 500. do u have any suggestions regarding this? is it very important to stick to the word limit allowed ?

i was thinking about deleting the first paragraph but it was the perfect beginning for my essay :(

i really need help in editing this essay!? i am unable to decide which parts to delete till it becomes within 500 words. please please i am desperate for some guidance and suggestions. will be highly appreciated.

Hi Aysha, as I can see from the existing thread, there have been some revisions suggested to you. Have you applied the changes? If you have done so, please post your latest essay version in this thread so we can continue to work on it. In answer to your question, it is extremely important that you stick to the word count because of 2 reasons:

1. It shows your ability to follow simple instructions;
2. If you are going to post this in an application box on the university website, your essay will be cut midstream because the box is designed to accommodate a specific word count. It could render your application useless.

Please post the essay at your convenience, we will do our best to help you edit the content in order to meet the word requirement.

Hi Aysha,

In my opinion, there are some unnecessary information that you can omit in order to fulfill the minimum words count of 500 words. However, these are just my thoughts, it is still your rights to decide which part of your essay that should be deleted.

First, I think that explaining two categories of medical students is one of the unnecessary information. Why don't you just come up with the idea that you are a type of student who determines your specialization in the very end of your university period?

Second, this paragraph "As dermatology is a fast growing field of....regions, like Chandigarh, Mumbai, Chennai, Delhi etc." contains information that has already existed in the recent news. Why bother to write it here? Omitting this paragraph would make your essay consist of approximately 566 words.

Lastly, "I believe I belonged to the second category, and didn't really have my mind set on one particular organ. My interest in Dermatology started in 5th year of medical school when I studied the Skin module in great length and learned about their associated diseases and treatments. ..... Living and working in my home country has only encouraged me to per sue my specialization." these two paragraphs can be summarized by taking the most important parts only.

Hope this helps :)

Aysha, I will have to tell you that the essay has an overly long introduction when it does not need to be. The reviewer is not interest in your background on an individual basis. This prompt requires you to discuss only the 3 university programs that you are interested in. This is the main reason that your essay is running over the word limit. As a rule, you should only present the immediate requirement of the prompt. Don't try to tell you academic biography when it is not required. Now, I understand that you believe the opening you made is perfect. But it runs 2 paragraphs long and the actual discussion of importance, was presented in a single paragraph. That is absolutely the wrong format for this essay.

I apologize for saying this but you will have to go back and write a new essay in the following format, which is the correct format for this essay:

Par. 1 - Simple introduction, no more than 8 sentences. Just mention the common factors that led to your choice of these 3 schools.
Par. 2-4 - University, name of the course, academic or professional experience related to your interest, how does the university program relate to your future plans. You may also discuss some, but not a comprehensive history of your academic background. Just discuss your academics that relate directly to your course choice. A mere mention of the highlights of your academic career should suffice. That experience should be spread out through the 3 schools. Remember, you should compare the 3 programs based upon your academic ability and professional experience.

Par. 5 - Conclusion

The concentration of your essay must be on the universities you have chosen. Not a justification of your background. Your only justification, should relate to the course you have chosen and how your work or academic experience shows this course of study as a progression for your career. BTW, double check the universities you were discussing, you only under developed a discussion of 2 out of the 3 universities.

I must apologize for asking you to do this. I know that you feel your essay is almost ready for submission. But you can't submit it in this current form. You need to follow the format of the prompt and stick only to the requirements you were given. That is because all the other information you are providing at the beginning of your current essay can already be read by the reviewer in your other application essays and documents submitted. Avoid redundancy at all cost. Stick to the instructions.

Aysha, in my opinion, you need to write the essay from scratch based upon the instructions I previously gave you. Like I said, the courses need to be concentrated per university as a discussion. The reason you have to do it this way is because each university that you have chosen has a specific program highlight in their course offerings. It is the highlight course that should be the enticing reason for your choice of college. Not all of the masters programs offer the same benefits to the student. So you need to present the individual reason for your choice of university aside from the standard one year course offering. Each offering has a unique program that should lead you to a heightened career in the future. So think about what direction you want your career to go in and find that assistance in each course.

You don't really need the backgrounder like I said. It takes up too much of the space in the discussion when it is not the purpose or highlight of the prompt. Again, just merge that information with your reasons for having chosen a university. Get creative in how you blend that information with other data in order to create a more relevant and interesting essay.

okay i will try to write a new essay from scratch according to the format you explained, will be posting it shortly. Also could you check my other thread about the post study career plan essay? your feedback will be very helpful in improving it as well.

There is one more thing i need to ask you before i start writing this essay from scratch. Since all the 3 courses i have chosen are MSc in clinicial dermatology in different universities, offering almost the same knowledge, benefit and effect on my future goals. Writing each one separately will only lead me to repeat the same content in the 3 courses. what do u suggest? also Should i write about my preferred course in my preferred university out of the 3 and the reason for it being my first choice?

Definitely write about your first choice university at the start. In fact, it would be helpful to your application if you make your university choices clear in order of preference. That way, you can discuss your strongest reasons first in support of the first university. While I understand that there is a sense of uniformity in the way the universities approach their masters degree courses, there are always opportunities to find a difference between the programs. These differences will probably be more evident in their internship programs, training options, or the way the courses are approached for teaching. You need to find that difference in order to help the universities stand out on their own in your application. Think of the time when you were applying to college, you were applying for the same course major in each one right? Yet you had a clear preference in universities based upon a particular reason. The same criteria applies to choosing your masters degree university.

Hey Holt, i am so sorry for bugging you continuously with this essay of mine, but as i have changed the whole format like you said and edited everything its making me really worried. the time constrain is making me very nervous, i have to edit and correct the other 3 essays as well before deadline. i really appreciate your help, please continue giving your suggestion and corrections in all of them.

okay so i am posting my latest version below, i do have few questions regarding it tho.
- am i on the right track?
- now i have skipped this part completely (Since the living standards in India are improving [....] and service for greater welfare to my countrymen) the justification part about the need of dermatologist in my country. do u think i need to mention this? in a summarise way maybe?

lastly, its already 532 words! i still haven't written a conclusion yet which means again i need suggestion on editing this.
here you go.

The first two courses I have chosen are based on my avidity to specialise in dermatology. What intrigued me most was the fact that 'dermatology is an art of seeing'. It offers the possibility to make a diagnosis by sight without any further evidence or technological aids. My interest grew deeper during the internship year of medical school, when I worked as an intern in the dermatology rotation. It made me experience the clinical aspects of it, and I was fascinated by the fact that the field is so diverse and multi-faceted. You get to see everything - from harmless rashes to life threatening illnesses.

...

Don't worry Aysha, I understand how you feel and what you are going through. These deadlines can really bring us close to the edge. Just breath and try to relax. If you let the pressure get to you, the worse things will get. Now, let's work on getting this essay ready for submission. I'll guide you for as long as you need me to.

If you just drop your current introduction and concentrate on presenting your university choices immediately, you will be able to reduce your word count by 75 words, bringing it down to 425 immediately. Then removing the last sentence in the paragraph about Cardiff gives you a total of 398 words. Do you notice how I am creating word count for your conclusion at the moment? It is all a matter of knowing how to review and decide which parts of the essay can be deleted without affecting the message of the essay. Those are the only sections I can find where we can reduce the count and reassign it to your conclusion instead. I believe you have more than enough words to do that now.

You are on the right track. There is no need to add the information you removed even in summary form. It doesn't really help your essay move forward in the right direction and it is not required information by the prompt. So totally losing that paragraph will benefit your essay immensely.