Hi, I am applying for a scholarship and I'm supposed to write essays. One of the essays is: Describe a time when you overcame one or more significant obstacles/challenges so that you were able to improve the lives of others in your community. How did you react to the challenge(s) and what did you learn from the experience? (100-word maximum)
Please I want a review on my essay if it correctly answers the prompt.
It came to a time when my father lost his job through bush fire rumbling through his entire farm where he lost all the harvests. I have to walk ten miles away from our community to hand-pick a left over harvested maize farm where I could gather few buckets to feed my family. Now I became the breadwinner of the family after my father. All the members of the community appreciated that small gesture and activity undertaken by me. To this I learnt that one may become successful with determination and hardworking.
Samuel, the topic that you chose to use to answer the prompt is not the correct topic. If you review what you wrote, you actually just discuss an event that directly affects your family but not your community. In reviewing your essay, I saw that you somehow tried to connect the event that happened to your family with the community but it just does not work.
The essay asks you to do a very specific thing in order to respond to the prompt. You need to engage yourself in some self-reflection regarding how you have been interacting with your community members. Do you think you have a good relationship with them? What kind of activities do you often participate in that helps the place that you live in develop a better community? Has there ever been a time when the community faced a problem that you helped them resolve either by presenting a solution or helping in the implementation of the solution? If you have ever found yourself doing these things, no matter how small your participation, then you have come across the answer to the prompt.
If you want to use the story about your father's farm, you need to discuss it from a community involvement angle. That means, the problem of the farm needs to have affected the community in general and you, as the eldest, found a way to not only help your family overcome this obstacle, but also found a way to help the community get back on its feet. I do not really get a sense of that having happened in your essay.
Thanks Vangiespan. Like you suggested that I if I want to use the story of my father's farm, I need to discuss it from a community involvement angle. Can you please draft something based on story about my father's farm because I don't get a clear understanding of what you mean.
Samuel, I may not be Louisa but I'd like to let you know that us, being contributors here in EF, we can only coach you as much as we can and of course provide a strong and constructive criticism.
Now, what I advice you to do is to follow a few guidelines in order to come up with a good essay.
- having this unfortunate event that caused your family all your harvest, what do you think you could've done to alleviate the situation
- did this help your family in any way
- how can you consider yourself being a breadwinner
- do you think this helped your family overcome such hurdle
Lastly, what is the effect of this action to your family, more importantly to yourself.
I hope with this guidelines you will be able to come up with a good essay and I wish to see it posted here in EF so we can help you further.
