ESSAY - The universities I selected are intrinsically connected to my past experiences

Hi,
I'm a non-native English speaker and I'm always in doubt if what I'm writting is correct and making sense. I would appreciate your inputs on the essay bellow.

I'm also in doubt if I need to be more specific and if I need a concluding paragraph. So far it is 455 words, which means I can still add some information if necessary.

Outline why you have selected your chosen three university courses, and explain how this relates to your previous academic or professional experience and your plans for the future.

*Please do not duplicate the information you have entered on the work experience and education section of this form (minimum word count: 50 words, maximum word count: 500 words)

The three university courses that I selected are intrinsically connected to my past experiences and to what I view as my future upon returning to Brazil. I have a BA in International Relations and a professional background in government relations, lobbying and comparative development. All of those experiences were important for me to understand that the questions I found most motivating were the ones related to public policy and international development challenges.

Therefore, I have decided to pursue a career that allows me to work with policy making whereas making a positive impact in Brazil. My plan for the future is to work with the development, implementation and evaluation of policies in government, companies or NGOs. I have chosen interdisciplinary graduate degrees that combine practical experience with academic research in policy making.

I have chosen the University of Cambridge as my first option due to its internationally known reputation and equal strengths in economics and public policy. The MPhil in Public Policy is an interdisciplinary course that offers both academic and practical training and aims to prepare students to have leading roles in government, companies or NGOs. There is also a strong policy community in Cambridge, which includes the Centre for Science and Policy (CSaP) and the Strategic Research Initiative on Public Policy (SRI). The first is designed to bring together scholars and policy makers, while the latter is about connecting a range of subject areas in research for public policy. In fact, one of SRI's research themes is Welfare and Inequality, which is one of Brazil's biggest public policy challenges.

I have also selected two courses at Queen Mary University of London (QMUL) due to its internationally diverse community and track record of world leading interdisciplinary research. QMUL is in a privileged geographic position, close to the heart of UK politics and benefiting from networking opportunities that only a world city like London can provide. The MSc in International Business and Politics resonates directly to my work in Public & Government Affairs and my background in International Relations. It draws on the strengths of the School of Politics and International Relations and the School of Business Studies to offer a unique interdisciplinary program.

QMUL MSc in Public Policy is structured around theoretical and practical insights into policy formation and implementation. It has a strong international and comparative element that will be useful in researching alternative solutions to Brazil's policymaking issues. Indeed, the course has a strong interest in the comparative analysis of policy for the developing world. It offers theoretical tools and empirical evidence for the student to use the content around his own research agenda. This flexibility is particularly great for me since I intend to study Brazil's specificities in policy making challenges.

I think you are very specific in your examples for each of the universities that you have selected. I like how you connect it back to Brazil because to me, it shows that you really want to make a difference.

I think you can relate more of your past experiences and I think a concluding paragraph will wrap up your essay nicely. It seems abrupt to end your essay the way it is.

Thanks for your inputs, Jessica!

I've changed the essay quite a bit. I've deleted one of the paragraphs and changed it for another, since I've decided to change my selected courses for Chevening. I've also included a brief concluding paragraph.

Hope anyone can proofread this new version of the essay.

Draft 2

....

Mayara, the format of your essay is really very good. It is clear and offers you enough space to develop the thought process and line of reasoning that you wish to present regarding each university. Your writing has shown great improvement since you first started posting at this forum. However, there are still some spots in your essays that can be improved upon in order to strengthen the course choices.

One of the main problems that your work faces is that the information it contains sounds more like it came from the results of your research of the university instead of personal reflection. I would advice you to consider the information about the courses that you gathered from each university and then really think about how your past work and academic influences relate to it. Create a clear path of progression between the two and then write a paragraph that will reflect that. Don't just rely on the common known information that you have right now. Make sure to create a personal connection because without it, you can't really prove that you will be passionate about your course choices and devote yourself to your academic training. This problem is particularly evident in your discussion of the first university choice.

The concluding paragraph should not simple end by saying that these courses will be an asset to you upon your return to Brazil. The paragraph comes across as too short and lacking in information. Try to develop it to give an overview of how these three courses will help you develop the kind of professional character that you know will be of tremendous help not only to you, but to Brazil in the future.