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Scholarship Essays - Volunteer job and Education. (Deadline March 09)



kofpower2411 6 / 21  
Mar 7, 2009   #1
Hi, please help me over my scholarship essay for DePauw, deadline is March 09, and I only got invitation letter on March 01 =.=. Thank you guys a lot.

Here's the prompt

Please address the following in no more than two to three, single spaced pages (please use 12 point font and 1" margins). The Faculty Selection Committee will evaluate your essay based on clarity of thought and organization of the essay.

DePauw's Ubben Lecture series recently brought Greg Mortenson, author of "Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace ... One School at a Time," to campus. Mortenson has spent much time during the last fifteen years building schools in rural Pakistan and Afghanistan. During his lecture, he stated, "...the real enemy -- whether it's in Africa or Afghanistan or here in the U.S. -- the real enemy is ignorance, and it's ignorance that breeds hatred. And to overcome ignorance, we need to have courage, we need to have compassion, and most of all, I think what's so important is that we need to have education." He went on to say, "What I'm trying to share in [my new book] is that, really, all of us can make a difference, and I also think that it's so important that we exude hope, love and compassion -- all of those things -- it's really what's going to bring about a better world."

To what cause would you commit a substantial amount of time and energy to bring hope to those in need? How would you use your education to support these efforts?

-------------------

I was walking on a boundless prairie. The wind was tickling my ears, whispering something; its tenderness made me feel safe and secure. Suddenly, the sky changed from blue to an ominous red, while the wind stopped caressing and started raging. I could not feel calm any longer, and instinctively, I began to run. The faster I ran, the harsher the wind slapped my face. I knew that this wasn't a fair race, but I kept running ... I ran ... I ran. The wind stopped, I stopped, and I realized that I was standing on the same starting point all along; it was futile escaping such infinite place, I turned my head around, there was only grass, grass, and grass. The sky changed its color again, to a hopeless black. I gave up the idea of escaping this place; it was darkness everywhere ...

Bounced up from my bed, "such a weird dream" I thought. The apprehension of being stuck there still lingered on me; luckily, it was just a nightmare. Ironically, on another bed, another boy was living the same nightmare. His bed was truly a limitless prairie: he could never get out of the bed by himself; he was disabled.

That kind of dream made me recall my trips to Thai Nguyen province to conduct a survey for Humanitarian Services for Children of Vietnam organization. The purpose of the survey was to learn more about the background as well as the daily life of the people who were going to receive free wheelchairs, so we could gauge how much their lives would be improved one year later with those wheelchairs. We volunteers asked the receivers multiple-choice questions, however, they tended to give us more information than to follow the dull letter A,B,C ... in the answer sheets. I had thought of how dreadful it was to be paralyzed before, but through their story, I knew that my imagination was just a proportion of the reality.

I always admired the mother who cared everything for her twenty-seven-year-old son, who suffered from polio since childhood. The son, who would have been the pillar of the family, now sat in the wheelchair in front of me, looked just like a twelve-year-old boy. He couldn't do anything by himself; he even needed help from his mother only to sit still on the chair. The son wasn't conscious about his condition, as his nervous system was also damaged; however, his mother had born with it for 27 years. She kept talking about her son when I asked her survey questions. Of course I dared not interrupt her story for she was sharing with me her pain, and the least I could do was to listen. "I hope so", she responded to the question "Do you think the wheelchair will make his (her son) life better?" I saw that hope was all she could do at that moment, and also the only thing we volunteers could give her. Hope that she could still look after her son for the continuing years; hope that our free wheelchair - such an expensive thing for her family - would help her son move from place to place easier.

I remembered clearly how sorry I felt for her, and how burning I wanted to alleviate her trouble. That was simply sympathy, the sentiment that linked us human together, and also what have driven me to be a volunteer. Calling back the dreams of being stuck in one place, unable to move an inch, to raise even an arm, I could have a little taste of the life of those disadvantaged people. The fear was so much that I started struggling in vain trying to get out, just to notice that I was sleeping on my bed, how fortunately. I have comprehended their hopelessness, as well as their resignation to the current life. Those I met and their family were just too poor to afford a wheelchair, though they knew that their life could only better with one. They could have better life however. I'd seen many successful people on the wheelchairs. Therefore, I felt moved to know that they now had the instrument to enhance their life, and I even moved more to know that I could contribute a little effort to the program. It was comprehensible that if you got joy over the thing you had done, you would not regret the amount of time and energy you had spent.

Standing among the hall with so many people on the wheelchairs also helped me know that to be able to walk, to not be restrained on those cold chairs, was a priceless gift. It was unfair that the son above was born healthy just like me, like most of us so lucky people, with all the chances to run, to talk, and to smile. If he had been vaccinated to prevent polio properly like us, he would not have been stolen all those chances. To save equality in this world, I thought it was necessary for a person with better luck, to help others not as lucky as him. It was just a way to express your gratitude to the gift that live had given you, and in turn, received thanks from the people you'd helped. Your day could be brighten up by just one phrase "thank you", one grateful smile, or one compassionate hug. Wasn't it worth your precious time and effort?

Experiencing the voluntary job, as well as observing other fellow volunteers, I learned that beside passion for your work, your knowledge and experience also played an important role. Some of my jobs required the application of my education directly, such as teaching disadvantaged children, or translating documents (for a poverty-alleviation program). How could I be a teacher, if my knowledge was just on the same level with that of my students; how could I translate anything, if my command of language was insufficient. With what I learned at school, I was capable of doing the mental-required job. However, I was taught at school to solve a hundred integral problems, not about solving a single problem of confronting with a child. It was hard to persuade a naughty boy into to study, and it required none of my mathematics knowledge, but an understanding of child behavior as well as social skills. That time, I was sent to a training course hold by the organization that I was working in. They taught me how to play with children, how to respond to their demands, and to put them to study. Though the course was fairly short, I learned to think differently, and therefore, act differently. I didn't perceive that teaching there was granting favors to the children anymore, but rather helping my younger brothers or sisters, so that I wouldn't feel frustrated about their insolence. Only through a sentimental link can we understand each other, and build a sustainable relationship, as a family's members, not as that of students and teacher. The course really helped me continue my job; if I had not been trained, I would have found no way to overcome the obstacle.

I'm now reaching the door to a higher education stage - the university, the opportunity that many young people in Vietnam don't have. Their family cannot afford them the secondary school's cost, and they have to make some money by the age of 15 or 16. Therefore, people who have a better opportunity like me should put the education I get to use. Adding to my current compassion for the less-lucky people, the skills and knowledge I acquired in the university will help me contribute more to the community. Hope that one day, I will not only stop having those scary nightmares, but also help others get out of the nightmares that they're living.

------------------

Do you think I should have a conclusion, and does the part about education seems a little bit drift off from the whole essay?

Thanks in advance :D

EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Mar 7, 2009   #2
Your essay transitions into the education part fairly well. You should probably have a conclusion, one that talks about how you would continue to support the cause of the disabled in future, and how your education at university would help you do this.

"its tenderness made me feel safe and secure ."

"The purpose of the survey was to learn more about the background as well as the daily life of the people who were going to receive free wheelchairs, so we could gauge how much their lives would have improved one year later with those wheelchairs."

"they tended to give us more answer than to follow the dull letter "A.Good/B.Normal..." The phrasing here is wrong. Revise.

"Of course, I dared not interrupting her story, for she was sharing with me her pain, and the least thing I could do was to listen" Actually, the least anyone can do in any situation is nothing.

"Recalling the dreams of being stuck in one place,"

"It was unfair that everyone was born equal, and then we grew into different conditions." This is naive. People are not born equal. Some people are born blind, or deaf, or with conditions like Down Syndrome. Some are born into poverty, others into wealth. Some are born to abusive parents, others to caring ones, etc.

"I learned to think differently , and therefore, act differently ."
OP kofpower2411 6 / 21  
Mar 8, 2009   #3
thank you so much Sean

I've put your suggestions into use, as well as having a conclusion, would you mind checking it? (just the conclusion)

Thanks again :D.
EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Mar 8, 2009   #4
Well, since you put my first set of suggestions to such good use, here are a few more for you:

"it was futile trying to escape such an infinite place, "

"I b ounced up from my bed; "

"We volunteers asked the receivers multiple-choice questions; however, they tended to give us more information than was asked for by the dull letters A,B,C ... in the answer sheets."

"would help her son move from place to place more easily ."

"and how burningly I wanted to alleviate her trouble"

"The son wasn't conscious of his condition"

"the sentiment that linked us humans together"

"Experiencing the volunteering job"

"It was unfair that the son above was born healthy just like me, like most of us so lucky people, with all the chances to run, to talk, and to smile." It was unfair that he was born healthy? I don't think you mean that.

"If he had been vaccinated to prevent polio properly like us, he would not have been stolen all those chancesthe chance for a normal life ."

"It was just a way to express your gratitude for the gift that live had given you"

"I'm now passing through the door to a higher educational stage - the university, the an opportunity that many young people in Vietnam don't have. Their family cannot afford them the secondary school's cost, and they have to make some start earning money by the age of 15 or 16. Therefore, people who have a better opportunity like me should put the education I get to use. Adding to my current compassion for the less-lucky people, the skills and knowledge I acquired in the university will help me contribute more to the community. I h ope that one day, I will not only stop having those scary nightmares, but also help others get out of the nightmares that they're living."

You're getting there -- keep on revising!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Mar 8, 2009   #5
Wow, this is impressive writing. I guess I think, when I first looked at it I thought... you would do well to add a short sentence to the very beginning -- something to make the reader interested. The first paragraph IS very well written, but can you hook the attention first?

I almost want to suggest switching the first two paragraphs, so that the essay starts out with:

Bounced up from my bed, "such a weird dream" I thought. The apprehension of being stuck there still lingered on me; luckily, it was just a nightmare. Ironically, on another bed, another boy was living the same nightmare. His bed was truly a limitless prairie: he could never get out of the bed by himself; he was disabled.

Then paragraph two starts:

I had been walking on a boundless...

Do you like it that way?? I kind of think it would be cool. It would make it so that there is a short paragraph telling the reader that s/he is about to be told a story from a dream. People read on with interest when that happens...

Ah, wait a minute... it won't make sense that way.. Okay, I change my suggestion. What I suggest is moving this sentence to the beginning of the essay and leaving everythng else along:

Bounced up from my bed, "such a weird dream" I thought. I had been walking...

Take it or leave it! Sean gave such great help that I am hard pressed to find room for improvement. :)
OP kofpower2411 6 / 21  
Mar 9, 2009   #6
Wow, thank both of you very much!

I'm deeply grateful to Sean for his meticulous checking, I would never find these mistakes by myself :).

About the part: "It was unfair that the son above was born healthy just like me, like most of us so lucky people, with all the chances to run, to talk, and to smile." I did laugh out loud when I read this sentence , yes, it wasn't my intention. Maybe something was wrong with me when writing that part, but I didn't notice it when revising my essay. I changed it as follow:

"It was unfair that the son above was born healthy just like me, like most of us so lucky people, with all the chances to run, to talk, and to smile, then those chances was stolen. If he had been vaccinated to prevent polio properly like us, he would have had a normal life."

And Kevin, you gave me such a great idea to switch the sentence "Bounced up from my bed, "such a weird dream" I thought" to the beginning.

Bounced up from my bed, "such a weird dream" I thought. I had been walking on a boundless prairie. The wind was tickling my ears, whispering something; its tenderness made me feel safe and secure. Suddenly, the sky changed from blue to an ominous red, while the wind stopped caressing and started raging. I could not feel calm any longer, and instinctively, I began to run. The faster I ran, the harsher the wind slapped my face. I knew that this wasn't a fair race, but I kept running ... I ran ... I ran. The wind stopped, I stopped, and I realized that I was standing on the same starting point all along; it was futile escaping such infinite place, I turned my head around, there was only grass, grass, and grass. The sky changed its color again, to a hopeless black. I gave up the idea of escaping this place; it was darkness everywhere.

I was lying in a lighter dark now, but the apprehension of being stuck there still lingered on me; luckily, it was just a nightmare. Ironically, on another bed, another boy was living the same nightmare. His bed was truly a limitless prairie: he could never get out of the bed by himself; he was disabled.


However, I'm in a little confusion in grammar here, I'm really stuck at grammar though =.=. Do I have to use past perfect in the whole first paragraph (the dream part), or can I just keep it in simple past as above. I've changed all the paragraph to past perfect, but it didn't "sound" right, so I shifted it back to simple past.

Also, after I changed it like you suggested, I was in a little ambivalence. At first, when I was written the first paragraph, I wanted the readers to imagine the story with me, so I didn't tell them it was a dream. Maybe she/he will think that "what a weird story the boy is experiencing?", and then when they read 2nd paragraph, they will now that it was just a dream. After the two paragraphs are changed as above, the surprise of a weird dream will lose its effect. So I'm in an ambivalence, whether to change it or not, as I also like your idea anyway.

It was really beautiful when I wrote the first paragraph, I felt as if I was a real writer, with all the metaphors and premonition. I also felt like I was living in that dream, though I never dreamed like that; I only imagined the dream from my idea of being stuck in one place. I don't know how to explain, but I was really exited after finishing the first two paragraphs :D.

Again, thank you very much
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Mar 9, 2009   #7
I bounced up from my bed. "Such a weird dream," I thought.

or:

Bouncing up from my bed, "Such a weird dream," I thought.

Either of those would be better. Don't forget to capitalize the S.

Hey, I had not noticed this either (below). Here is an idea:

It was unfair that the son above, who had been born healthy just like me, like most of us so lucky people with all the chances to run, to talk, and to smile, now had those chances was stolen. If he had been vaccinated properly to prevent polio properly like the rest of us, he would have had a normal life.

:)
EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Mar 9, 2009   #8
The dream sequence was really very well done -- you should be proud of it. Good job, and good luck with the essay. I hope it gets you your scholarship.


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