Prompt: provide your personal and/or academic goals and how your personal life experience shapes or impacts your hopes for the future. ''300-400 words maximum''
please help me review this essay. Did my essay answer the prompt?
Any grammar error or awkward statement?
Being an engineer has been my longlife goal as I have wanted to stand as the pinnacle of hope for my underprivilege community, a role model to others that the dream of higher education is possible and upholder of liberty to liberate the generation from poverty through achieving a bachelor's degree in engineering. Over the years, I have realised that there are factors that have contributed to changing my view of life. Drawing inspiration from these factors; struggles, failure, financial burdens and challenges I'm always motivated that I can achieve my goals through perseverance.
Fourteen years ago, when my lose his job [...]
Fourteen years ago, when myforgot word Im guessing it was dad or father? lose(lost) watch verb tenses his job and my mother was unemployed then . Things were so difficult that my mother had to ventured into sellsselling plucked mangoes on the street of Lagos, combingcombining working as a domestic worker in wealthy people's home. My father who doesn't have a degree to search for job, joined a group of market workers just to make ends meet. Then my siblings and I, had no hope of acquiring a formal education so we were homeschooled until we had an opportunity to enroll in a free public school where I completed my elementary and secondary education.
Despite my financial burdens, I took education as my priority asEducation was a priority for me my parents let me believe that I can unlock a better future through education. My commitment to studies led me to discovering my true potential and passionate field of interest to become a certified engineerpassion in the field of engineering . During my high school studies, I have led the JET(Junior Engineer and Technician) group to winning various competitions and I have also participated in National Olympiad Mathematics competition NMC Abuja, Cowbell Mathematics competition and various inter-schools science competitions. All these extracurricular activities and orientations have pioneered my efforts towards becoming a responsible and successful engineer.
Being an engineer, on professional and academic level, I hope to be able to put theory into practice by developing novel structures and equipment that will alleviate poverty in my community and improve the standards of living. Becoming an engineer will fulfill my aspiration and bring about the desired changes I have been craving for, to my community, country and Africa as a whole. Studying at X university will allow me to gain the required competence, develop my intellectual capacities and interpersonal skills in order to satisfy my goals.
I really like the idea and message your essay shows. Read your essay out loud though it might help you realize how some sentences sound awkward. Overall really good ideas and thoughts! Just proof read and clean it up a little bit. Also remember to watch your verb tenses as it changes a couple times in the essay when it shouldn't.
Wow. Nikita, I really appreciate your review and general view about my essay. Thanks. Yes, I never knew I omitted ''father''.
Hi Vangiespen and others, can I use this essay for below prompt? I created thread for this earlier but it was deleted, I guess it was because of this thread (same content). Yes, same content with few addition.
Prompt: Story- write one a topic that describe who you are.
''Education, a tool Africa needs to alter tangible change, economical and technological''- Myself.
I have always believe that Africa needs the service of engineers to alter change technologically, someone that will stand as the pinnacle of hope, role model to others that the battle of minority or low finance cannot limit one's dream and upholder of liberty to liberate the generation from influx poverty. My believe has been the driven force for me to be part of the people that will change my community, Nigeria and Africa as a whole technologically. Over the years, I have realised that there are factors that have contributed to changing my view of life and shaped who I am. Drawing inspiration from these factors; struggles, failure, financial burdens and challenges I'm always motivated that I can achieve my goals through perseverance.
Fourteen years ago, when my lose his job and my mother was unemployed then. Things were so difficult that my mother had to ventured into selling plucked mangoes on the street of Lagos, combing working as a domestic worker in wealthy people's home. My father who doesn't have a degree to search for job, joined a group of market workers just to make ends meet. Then my siblings and I, had no hope of acquiring a formal education so we were homeschooled until we had an opportunity to enroll in a free public school where I completed my elementary and secondary education.
Despite my financial burdens, I took education as my priority as my parent let me believe that I can unlock a better future through education. My commitment to studies led me to discovering my true potential and passionate field of interest to become a certified engineer. During my high school studies, I have led the JET (Junior Engineer and Technician) group to winning various competition and I have also participated in National Olympiad Mathematics competition NMC Abuja, Cowbell Mathematics competition and various inter-schools science competitions. All these extracurricular activities and orientations have pioneered my effort towards becoming a responsible and successful engineer.
Being an engineer, on professional and academic level, I hope to be able to put theory into practice by developing novel structures and equipment that will alleviate poverty in my community, Nigeria and Africa as a whole and improve the standards of living. Becoming an engineer will also fulfill my aspiration and bring about the desire changes I have been craving for, to my community, country and Africa as a whole. Studying at X university will allow me to gain the required competence, develop my intellectual capacities and interpersonal skills in order to satisfy my goals.
Adeyemi, you cannot use the same essay for this prompt. The reason you cannot use it is because this new prompt asks you to talk about yourself instead of someone else who served as your inspiration in life. In this particular essay, you are required to present a discussion regarding a topic which describes who you are. In the previous essay, we described your mother as a person who inspired you. In this essay, we need to describe who you are, who is the person behind the name? For example, you can describe a time when your father was unemployed and you did something to help out the family financially. Perhaps take on a part time job or sell one of your prized possessions in order to help out the family. Maybe you even took care of the household while your mom worked to keep the family financed. Remember, the key to this essay is to highlight a strong personality or trait of yours which resonates with the reader. You need to show a strong side to your personality that allows you to portray your potential to be more than you can be because of it. Some of the samples I mentioned should work fine for this essay but if you can think of something else, write the essay using it and we will work on improving it :-)
Vangiespen, I really appreciate your help. But I made mistake in the essay prompt, here is the real prompt-->Write on a topic that is important to you and reflects who you are? . Did your aforementioned apply to this prompt too? Or the essay did not answer the prompt? Or some parts only answered the prompt? And this essay is for another school. Thanks ;)
My comment stands Adeyemi. That means that I am not changing my review of your modified essay even if it is for another school. It does not answer the prompt at all once you compare the requirements of the essay with what you wrote. The problem with your essay is that instead of discussing your character or personality traits, you spent a great deal of time talking about your academic personality and a part of that essay was also spent rehashing the story about your mother and the time when your father lost his job. None of which relate to a discussion or story about who you are. Are you a charitable person? An analytical mind? Perhaps an observant person? These are some traits that describe who you are and allows the admissions officer to get an idea of the kind of person you will be once you join the academic and student community. Choose an event in your life that best describes one of your character traits and then develop your essay around that :-)
