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"work hard" and "don't give up" ; Personal Statement /Forge Scholarship



Blastofftomars1 3 / 5  
Feb 27, 2013   #1
Please give constructive criticism and input that might be needed for this personal statement. This scholarship is really important for me, PLEASE check for any grammatical error. PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

The words that repetitively replay in my head, "work hard" and "don't give up", are words that my parents have taught me to execute into my life. These words become actions, as they helped me accomplish many things in my life, when I thought it was impossible. Some people don't believe that Asians can be athletic, which made me believe that I am nothing more than a scholar. My passion and hard work proved that statement to be false; I never imagined myself to become a volleyball player, and I never imagined myself to be named District 12-5A All District Volleyball Honorable Mention. My hard work contributed to my success in high school academically as well because it allowed me to get good grades and make the honor roll with distinction every six weeks since my freshman year. My parents taught me the power of action because it is stronger than words alone.

My mom and dad emigrated from Vietnam to America because they wanted a better future for themselves and their future family. In life, a person has to struggle before he succeeds, which is how my parents' life started in America. I still remember the past, my mom had to work two jobs, during the weekdays, she was a seamstress on the weekdays and during the weekends she worked at McDonald's. My dad was a welder on the weekdays, and took care of me and my sister on the weekends. I know that the sweat and blood was to give me and my sister a better future. Private schools are expensive, but my parents volunteered on the weekend to reduce the tuition price, to allow me and my sister to have a great education. As time progressed, their hard work paid off because my sister went to college in the fall on 2012 at Texas State University. Time is approaching; I am getting close to attending college. I know that my parents are hard workers, but the financial responsibility is too large for two parents to handle. They told me to reach for my dreams no matter the cost, but reality can't be avoided when I know the truth of the situation.

I plan on attending University of Texas at Austin in the fall of 2013. I want to pursue a career in nursing because it is my passion to assist people and I have a great fascination in medicine. I will major in nursing, in which my education will consist of many sciences like biology, chemistry, etc. I hope that my education will allow me to gain good communication skills and proper training to assist patients. My goal as a nurse is to impact people's lives, and inspire them to do positive things to help create a better community. My motivation will be the satisfaction of helping the patients to gain their strength.

temptprovidence 8 / 162  
Feb 27, 2013   #2
time is approaching... may be it must be advancing ... in the sense you used it...
and also i will major in nursing... i dont find any significant clarity...

your deviation from topic is minute but i felt it to mount as you approached the end of the essay...

otherwise that was a great attempt and a good expression... i liked the way you used your vocabulary as easy for anyone... which is evident from no grammatical mistake... hope i wasnt critical... BEST OF LUCK...!!!:)
OP Blastofftomars1 3 / 5  
Feb 27, 2013   #3
Thank U for the feedback, and yeah this is the first time I have ever written a personal statement, and it was quite challenging because I didn't know how to talk about myself.
temptprovidence 8 / 162  
Feb 28, 2013   #4
thats very good... such a good first attempt... and do you love to write descriptive or narrative...??
jennnyyyy 2 / 4  
Feb 28, 2013   #5
I have a great fascination in medicine maybe get rid of the "a?" it sounds a little awkward

Other than that, it's really good! I enjoyed reading it!
dumi 1 / 6793  
Mar 13, 2013   #6
You repeat the same ideas here... You have already expressed why you want to become a nurse. So avoid repeating the same idea again. This is my suggestion;

So I decided to pursuing a degree with Nursing as major. I found that University of Texas is the right fit for realizing my dream because ??????????????? (now tell some of the features of University of Texas that drew your attention)


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