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Why I am a worthy candidate for this scholarship


jayhawk236 1 / 2  
May 12, 2014   #1
Prompt: describe your educational and professional goals and the reason you feel you deserve the award. Maximum 300 words

As the first generation in my family to attend college, I understand the value of higher education and how it would impact my life. College education gives me the opportunity to explore new ideas, improve critical thinking, and enhance my skills. It is the gateway to better options and a chance to succeed in life. I am very passionate about pharmaceutical chemistry and determined to pursue the doctor of pharmacy degree. I have chosen this career because I truly appreciate the conscientiousness, honorable contributions, and the commitment to public service of healthcare practitioners. With the knowledge acquired in school, I hope to deliver optimal pharmaceutical care and attentive counsel on medicines for patients.

Yet, the skyrocketing cost of college is a stress for my family. Receiving the X scholarship will be a significant contributor that lifts off the financial burden and helps me to accomplish my goals. I sincerely hope to be a worthy candidate for the scholarship because I have a strong commitment to community service, involvements in extra-curriculum activities, and especially an utmost serious attitude toward education. Every week, I dedicate my time to volunteer at X where I can gain insight into the medical world and further develop my public speaking and communication skills. In school, I am on the Principal's Honors Roll, a member of the National Honors Society, a tutor, and many more academic and spiritual clubs. I have studied diligently and relentlessly in order to improve my English proficiency. With earnest desire and determination, I propel myself to initiate inexorable effort to conquer my weaknesses. I am motivated to push my own limits and persevere to achieve my goals. If I could receive this valuable scholarship, I would try my best to achieve highest results in my study to deserve the great chance you have offered.

Word count: 310 words. Should I cut out something to make it fit 300 words?
bakhadeer 6 / 20  
May 12, 2014   #2
With the knowledge acquired in school, I hope to deliver optimal pharmaceutical care and attentive counsel on medicines for patients.
with the knowledge that I acquired...
overall you did pretty good. I appreciated it. I have not find any other mistakes. so go on and utilize your ability to write:)
OP jayhawk236 1 / 2  
May 12, 2014   #3
Thank you for your comment and I appreciate your help!
Notoman 20 / 419  
May 13, 2014   #4
Yes, cut it to fit the parameters in the instructions. The easiest way to tighten things is using active instead of passive voice. The overall tone of your essay is good, and it is earnest, but little errors with agreement and parallelism disrupt the flow. This is not a complete fix, but here a few example to get you started:

involvements in extra-curriculum activities

involvement in extra-curricular activities

I am on the Principal's Honors Roll, a member of the National Honors Society, a tutor, and many more academic and spiritual clubs.

This is where parallel structure comes into play. It is like saying, "I like to eat oranges, sleep, and riding my bike," when saying, "I like to eat oranges, to sleep, and to ride my bike" would be better. When your sentence starts with, "I am on," the reader expects a list of things you are on unless you clue the reader with words. Try: I am on the Principal's Honor Roll and a member of the National Honor (omit the "s") Society. I tutor younger (or fellow--whatever is appropriate) students, and ... (follow up with something more about this experience). The sound of "many more academic and spiritual clubs" is throwing me off. It doesn't have much meaning on its own because there is no description of what those memberships entail. Sometimes showing a greater commitment in one area is stronger than showing a minimal involvement in many ... depth over breadth.

and the commitment to public service of healthcare practitioners.

and healthcare practitioners' commitment to public service

Receiving the X scholarship will be a significant contributor that lifts off the financial burden and helps me to accomplish my goals

Here's an example of how you could rewrite this sentence:
Receiving the X scholarship would significantly alleviate the financial burden and help me to accomplish my goals.
OP jayhawk236 1 / 2  
May 14, 2014   #5
Thank you so much for your help! It is extremely helpful. I would never know those errors without your help.

jayhawk236:
and the commitment to public service of healthcare practitioners.

and healthcare practitioners' commitment to public service

I dont know when to use "of" or "apostrophe s"

This is where parallel structure comes into play. It is like saying, "I like to eat oranges, sleep, and riding my bike," when saying, "I like to eat oranges, to sleep, and to ride my bike" would be better. When your sentence starts with, "I am on," the reader expects a list of things you are on unless you clue the reader with words. Try: I am on the Principal's Honor Roll and a member of the National Honor (omit the "s") Society

I've always thought since the sentence starts with "I am" I can list everything that I am. But when you fix it, it sound a lot better! I will keep this parallelism rule in mind. Thank you so much!


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