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Academic Elements, Personal Elements - UW Personal statement.

leidris 1 / -  
Feb 14, 2010   #1
I'm trying to apply for the UW in fall/2010.
I just showed my essay to adviser and she said it was good but not outstanding.
she said my essay(especially beginning part) is quite weak to attract someone's to read.
so can you guys take a look and give me a piece of advices?
Thanks you.

When did your dreams come true and how was the feeling? My First dream, which is studying in the United States, came true quite early in my life. I still remember the excitement that I felt. In 2006 September when I first stepped in to the United States, I was twenty two years old. I felt both delight and fright because, one hand, I have just finished my military service so I have not study for a while include speaking English. But, the other hand, I was ready to do my best and change my life.

My father always told me "Don't settle and stay thirsty." It means if I stay in the same place too long, I would get comfort, and finally get scared of trying new things. Therefore, I decide to leave my comfort-zone and adventure to embrace my life. Two year in a military service also taught me the great lessons. One was self-confidence and the other was hard work. If I have those two factors, I can do everything. Actually, I overcome a big obstacle in my academic career, and make impossible become possible.

My fresh start of college life in the United States was in Oregon. At that time, I have not really thought about my future and major so I just applied to business school so as most students did. However, lack of preparation led me to a result of failure. They denied my application because my high school GPA was too low to get in. I felt very frustrated and despaired. My father said, "People can make a mistake, but once I experienced this humiliating failure, I should not let this happen again otherwise I'm a real fool." Therefore, I thought about what I really wanted to and decided to put all of my efforts on preparation for next chance. The answer was computer science, which I had to give up in high school because of mathematics. I've been regret for giving up computer science for my major. I still remember when I faced my first computer that my father bought for me at Christmas. After that moment, I chose to devote my life to studying this beautiful mechanic. To reach my ultimate goal, I decide to start over from the top. Studying in United States gave me enough opportunity to challenge myself. I chose the Green River Community College for my stepping-stone to start my new challenge. I tried to fortify not only knowledge of the field that I want to major but also desire to help someone and get some experiences that can promote me to unique person. Special interest in computer science led me to join the ASME(American Society of Mechanical Engineer) and Tech Club. I stacked up a pile of experiences while I'm fixing students' computer problems and setting up the computers and network servers at the library and Tech Center at the school. I also joined the Phi Theta Kappa honor club to get some information of scholarships and learn other good students' studying habits while I was taking science curriculums. I have had the opportunities to help several school events that connect to subject in humanities. Volunteering "Conversational Partner" and "Friends to Friends" programs have been both enjoyable and enlightening. Especially talking with new students from different countries was providing me to broaden my prospective on the world. Getting involved to the school and contacting with many people motivated me to go on a next step. Becoming an judicial board ex-officio in ASGRCC(Associated Student of Green River Community College) and building representative in residence council strengthened my leadership skill. In each meeting, we dealt with the problems around the school such as smoking in public, racism, and sexual discrimination. I represented as whole students and spoke out what the school should do for students. The great passion of my work made me to become a student of the month for February at GRCC and this unexpected award forced me to have strong responsibility and work even harder. In the realm of computer science I've developed a special interest in the field of networking. Last summer when I was a network technical assistant in Welgate, which is User Interface Design Company for Samsung cellular phone, I got great opportunity to attach my theoretical knowledge to the real world.

Without doubt my academic plans of following completion of current study are getting a master's degree in computer science. After I earn the master's degree I would like to start work on my Ph.D in network design. I intend to work for the CISCO research lab or prestige computer companies like Microsoft or Macintosh to construct the network equipment. I want to use my theoretical background for constructing the most efficient and secured network so people can work more comfortable in their companies because as internet technology gets advanced, more security issues being magnified as a new controversy. I know University of Washington offers more than 160 doctoral programs and 135 professional master programs. I also heard that UW provides the perfect environment for studying computer science such as Paul G. Allen Center, Microsoft annual conference, and mentoring from alumni who is playing a role in the computer science field. I am absolutely aware of the superb reputation of University of Washington, and my conversations with several of alumni have served to deepen my interest in attending. With a long tradition of academic excellence and rich learning opportunities for students, I am sure that I will gain so much more experience which can be a valuable foundation to my future. I hope I can get the privilege of continuing my studies at University of Washington.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 15, 2010   #2
...have just finished my military service so I have not studied for a while -- and I also have not been practicing the English language. ------ here is an idea I had for fixing this sentence.

Well, I see what the adviser is saying. If you read that 1st paragraph and pretend you don't know the person who wrote it, you will find that it is a common situation -- nothing interesting. You are one of a million people struggling against language barriers, so the reader i not interested. It is too bad it is not interesting, because it must be deeply meaningful for you!

So anyway, I suggest coming up with a THEME for that first paragraph, and then continue that theme in the rest of the essay. Replace the boring first sentence with a first sentence that establishes a theme, an "extra" idea that the essay represents. Your theme might be "proactive effort" or "living in an artful way." Change your intro sentence so that it expresses an interesting personal motto or theme.


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