Academic Interests and Colorful Life-- Why Stanford Essay

I have never written any essay before... please help me!!

Prompt. TELL US WHAT MAKES STANFORD A GOOD PLACE FOR YOU (no more than 250 words)

The picturesque scenery, the bright sunshine... since the first glance at a Stanford postcard years ago, the gorgeous campus has always been my dream place of university study.

However, as I later realized, Stanford is far beyond an attractive site; it is where I can truly pursue my academic interests. Ever since I owned my first pet chick when I was a little girl, my passion for life has never faded. As I later learned more about creatures and did various experiments in my biology courses, my desire to explore this inspiring field in person grew increasingly stronger. The pioneer in life sciences, Stanford is the ideal place for me to satisfy my curiosity and acquire cutting-edge information. I can discuss about brain behaviors with world-famous professors after freshman seminars, do researches on ecological communities in Jasper Ridge Biological Preserve, and get access to limitless biostatistics in Falconer Biology Library.

In addition, Stanford's diversity of students also appeals to me. An enthusiastic traveler, I became crazy about Renaissance sculptures after admiring David in Uffizi, and fell in love with Spanish dishes when tasting paella in Barcelona. However, the fulfilling week with my cross-cultured host family in The Hague made me realize I wanted more than one-culture-at-a-time trips; I wished to get day-to-day contact with multiple cultures simultaneously. Living with students of all backgrounds at Stanford, I'll find no better place to experience various cultures in the meantime I enjoy sports, concerts, and abundant other activities with my diverse peers.

(there are already 249 words...)

I like what you've written so far, but you've still got a fair few words to play with. I think you need to write in a lot more about why Stanford is a good place for YOU. It seems as though at the moment, you've mainly described the benefits of Stanford, which is okay, but I think it needs to become more personal and attach yourself to the qualities of the university, more explicitly explaining why these things are important to you.

This is great for not having written an essay before! It's good overall, but it is missing a bit of "you." Let your voice shine through a little bit more by talking about your goals and life dreams and how Stanford is the perfect place to achieve them. I like the little details but for some reason, they lack that powerful punch. It is really a great essay though! I can feel your confidence. :]

Best of luck! :)

And if you have time, I'd love to hear your feedback on my Common App essay. :)

I changed my last paragraph. Is it more "me" now?

In addition to offering unparalleled chances for intellectual challenges, Stanford is where I can further enrich myself out of class. Amazed by new ideas and different customs every time I traveled, I always desire to broaden my horizon in direct, day-to-day contact with other cultures. With its diversity of students and various activities, Stanford is exactly where I can fulfill my wish and lead a colorful life in the meantime I make real friends with students from all kinds of backgrounds.

I made some changes in the first and second paragraphes as well. What do you think of the article now?

This is where you fall off the horse. It was going really well until you got here... this sentence just refers generally to your contribution and to the JRBP. Do not waste a sentence being so general! :-)

Know what I mean? Get specific, so that the reader can enjoy geting excited about your story.

In addition to offering unparalleled chances for intellectual challenges, Stanford is where I can further enrich myself out of class. Amazed by new ideas and different customs every time I traveled, I always wish to broaden my horizon----again... very general. Let' start talking about specific subjects so that this has some definition! :-)

The picturesque scenery, the bright sunshine... since the first glance at a Stanford postcard years ago, the gorgeous campus has always been my dream place of university study. (add a sentence about the biology represented in any such scenery. Blend this theme of the "attractive site" with the theme of bio, showing that your biophilia is related to your interest in their life-filled, picturesque campus.