Here are my other two essays, if anyone would be willing to provide feedback on those, I'd really appreciate it
Question-1 Academic Preparation: 200 words
Taking courses at College of San Mateo over the summer has not only taught me the basics of the business world and the uses of calculus in a real life situation; but has also inspired me to pursue a career in the business field. This exemplifies my drive to take advantage of the educational opportunities that have been presented to me.
Because I was able to utilize the knowledge and skills from several different subject areas I successfully passed two college-level courses while still in high school. The initiative in it self to take college classes while still in high school not to mention over the summer, shows my determination and dedication to not only advance my own education but also to prepare me for college. The experience would also give me enough insight into the possible educational paths to finally decide that business would be the choice of study that I would want to pursue in college.
That summer was more then just an educational experience. It was an experience that would demonstrate what I've learned thus far, how much I've taken advantage of my opportunities that have prepared me for college, and that I'm ready for college itself.
Question-3 Open-Ended Response: 199 words
Looking back over my grades, it becomes apparent that my academic performance thus far has been slightly lacking. My most notable weaknesses are in the math, science, and foreign language subjects.
Despite the fact that I've received unsatisfactory grades in those subjects, I still continue to work hard in order to compensate for my mistakes. I express my willingness and aspiration to makeup for my grades by going beyond the required course work for both high school graduation and UC admission in several subject areas including those where I struggle the most.
Furthermore, my academic history not only reveals my weaknesses in particular subjects but also my perseverance when it comes to challenging myself. Since my freshman year, I have taken a variety of challenging classes and although I do not perform well in all of them, I still pass the majority with exemplary grades. I continue to take harder courses every year. I have even taken college level courses at College of San Mateo.
This habit of challenging myself shows that I am a motivated person who is eager to learn and press forward even though there are a few grades that would seem to suggest otherwise.
Greetings!
What great essays! I only have a few suggestions:
"Taking courses at College of San Mateo over the summer has not only taught me the basics of the business world and the uses of calculus in a real life situation; but has also inspired me to pursue a career in the business field."
Good sentence, but the semi-colon needs to be a comma.
"The initiative to take college classes while still in high school (not to mention over the summer) shows my determination and dedication to not only advance my own education but also to prepare me for college."
I made a couple of changes in this sentence (took out "in itself", added parentheses, took out comma).
"The experience would also give me enough insight into the possible educational paths to finally decide that business would be the choice of study that I would want to pursue in college."
"The experience also gave me . . . " makes the sentence more immediate.
"It was an experience that would demonstrate what I've learned thus far, how much I've taken advantage of my opportunities that have prepared me for college, and that I'm ready for college itself."
Again, it's better not to use "would"; just say "demonstrated."
"My most notable weaknesses are in the math, science, and foreign language subjects."
I would either say "weaknesses are in the subjects of math, . . . " or leave the sentence structured the way it is, but change "subjects" to "areas."
"I express my willingness and aspiration to makeup for my grades by going beyond the required course work for both high school graduation and UC admission in several subject areas including those where I struggle the most."
Insert a comma between "areas" and "including."
"Since my freshman year, I have taken a variety of challenging classes and although I do not perform well in all of them, I still pass the majority with exemplary grades."
Insert a comma after "classes."
"This habit of challenging myself shows that I am a motivated person who is eager to learn and press forward even though there are a few grades that would seem to suggest otherwise."
You need some sort of punctuation after "forward." A comma would do, but if it were me, I'd put a long dash. It's more--well, dashing!
Altogether, these are very good essays. It's always best to emphasize your best qualities, of course, but it's also wise to 'fess up to your shortcomings (especially when the people reading your essay are also reading your transcript). And you've done a good job of stating your intent to work hard and do better.
I hope these suggestions help. Good luck!
Sarah, EssayForum.com
