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The accident ; MIT Essay/Significant challenge


ll931110 7 / 15 3  
Dec 26, 2012   #1
Hi everyone! I hope someone could review and provide suggestions to my essay?

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

(284 words)
With a perfectly fit body, perhaps I would think of big dreams like saving the world. With a damaged foot, however, I longed desperately to walk normally again. The first day after my accident, the doctor said "It may take years to recover your foot" in my tearful eyes. No wonder, I immediately accepted the recovery schedule, not knowing that I also signed up for a tough personality challenge.

The schedule comprised from various exercises: massaging, walking and drinking herbs. With my impatient nature, I ignored preliminary massaging and focused solely on walking as far as possible, thinking that my determination would overcome the pain. However, my foot's pain usually broke down my resistance shortly after I started my 500-meter walk with crutches. Initial failures taught me to be patient and dutifully carried out slow treatments.

On first days, my friends carried me to a third-floor classroom, but later I tried to climb the stairs myself. Looking cautiously, I reached out step by step, staying firmly to keep balance before swinging my body forward. Sometimes, my hurt foot hit the riser, but I quickly grabbed the banister and regained equilibrium. Finishing such 48 treads took me fifteen minutes, and as I reached the top, my shirt was filled in sweats. Still, after receiving my friends' hugs and applauses, I smiled brightly, hoping a near day of returning to soccer field.

I needed three months to walk normally again. "Saving the world", my motto had been replaced with lots of small goals: "Eating a bit more" or "Standing a bit longer". The accident took away my perfectly fit body; however, during days of preserve, I cherished every little achievement and thrived to make it better.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Dec 26, 2012   #2
Hi

With a perfectly fit body, perhaps I would think of big dreams like saving the world. With a damaged foot, however, I longed desperately to walk normally again.

.... I like this opening ... very meaningful :)
Here's some help with your word count;

"It may take years to recover your foot "

... since you talked about the damaged foot, it is sort of implied :)

I also signed up for a tough personality challenge.

.... another strong sentence :)

Still, after receiving my friends' hugs and applauses, I smiled brightly, hoping a near day of returning to soccer field.

My friends applauded; I smiled brightly dreaming my near return to soccer field.

This is a great answer. Very nicely presented!
Good Luck!
weeyizhi /  
Dec 26, 2012   #3
"Initial failures taught me to be patient and dutifully carried out slow treatments."
Consider "Initial failures taught me to be patient and to dutifully carry out slow treatments." or "Initial failures taught me to be patient, and I dutifully carried out slow treatments."

I also suggest you to change "On first days" into "Initially" or something similar.
Next, I prefer to have the article "the" before "soccer field".
Your essay is very solid. However, cutting down the words will require some sacrifice. Choose the parts that you think are not that important.
Good luck =)
MiaB 8 / 25  
Dec 26, 2012   #4
this essay is really good ! however, you'll need to make it shorter .. they can be very strict with word-limits !

Good luck.
OP ll931110 7 / 15 3  
Dec 26, 2012   #5
The internet connection was a bit bad, delaying me from posting this post. I have made some revisions, so I hope more comments and criticisms :)

(272 words)
With a perfectly fit body, perhaps I would dream of something like saving the world. With a damaged foot, however, I longed desperately to walk normally again. The first day after my accident, the doctor said "It may take years to recover" in my tearful eyes. No wonder, I immediately accepted the recovery program, not knowing that I also signed up for a tough personality challenge.

The program comprised from various exercises: massaging, walking and drinking herbs. With my impatient nature, I ignored preliminary massaging and focused solely on walking as far as possible, hoping my determination would prevail. However, my foot's pain usually broke down my resistance soon after I started my walk with crutches. Initial failures taught me to be patient and to dutifully carry out slow treatments.

On first days, my friends carried me to a third-floor classroom, but later I tried to climb the stairs myself. Looking cautiously, I reached out step by step, staying firmly before swinging my body forward. Sometimes, my hurt foot hit the riser, but I quickly grabbed the banister and regained equilibrium. Finishing such 48 treads took me fifteen minutes, and as I reached the top, my shirt was filled in sweats. But with my friends' hugs and applauses, I smiled brightly, hoping a near day of returning to the soccer field.

I needed three months to walk normally again. "Saving the world", my motto had been replaced with various little goals: "Eating a bit more" or "Standing a bit longer". The accident took away my perfectly fit body; however, those days, I cherished every little achievement and thrived to make it better.


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