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(where I can achieve all my academic and profession dreams) UVA Spring Transfer Essay



kevman 1 / 10  
Jul 12, 2011   #1
Hello all! Im here to humbly ask for some general comments and perhaps some feed back on my essay. This is for UVA Spring transfer into their College of Arts and Science. Please feel free to say anything my feeling wont get hurt I am just striving to achieve the best essay I can put out. Thank you so much!

The prompt is "Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve."

Well here it is:

Last spring, I started my new life at University of Mary Washington. The weight of my fathers passing on me was all I could think of. After an inhibiting bought of homesickness passed, the storm clouds started to disperse and a little light shone on college life. I began to love my work, love my grades, and love speaking with professors. The freedom, along with the expectation of maturity, I experienced was foreign. I wasn't working hard because I was pressured and forced but because I truly wanted to. Great relationships took root and sprouted. Such a relationship I have is one with my first Economics professor. He sparked my major declaration and current obsession with Economics.

Although I do love UMW, I feel like my pallet is only being teased. I believe that I could grow so much more at UVA both academically and as a person. I have two reasons about my decision to transfer. My first reason is academics. UMW unfortunately does not offer any concentrations with their degrees. UVA's degree in Financial Economics would allow me to study the Economics within a concentration that is more quantitative in nature. I have already started taking relevant coursework at UMW such as Computer Science, and Calculus. By allowing me to attend UVA, I plan to expand my knowledge and skills within Economics and Finance. I want the internship opportunities UVA students have with investment banking firms. I ache for more ambitious peers to work with. I want to be the absolute best I can be academically and I want to do this at UVA.

Accompanying my academic aspirations, are other, more personal agendas. My second reason for transferring, honestly, is that it would make my father proud. He never received a college education yet he always strived for something better and pushed himself. He expected the same thing from me and that is what I intend to do. As you see with my transcript, my high school grades are not up to par with UVA standards. I urge you to see the upward trend I have academically and be assured that it will continue.

I have been successful with my college career so far. I truly want a place where I can achieve all my academic and profession dreams and I know UVA is the right environment for me.

EF_Susan - / 2310  
Jul 12, 2011   #2
I began to love my work, love my grades, and love of speaking with professors.

The freedom, along with the expectation of maturity, I experienced was foreign.

I wasn't working hard because I was pressured and forced, but because I truly wanted to.

Great relationships took root and sprouted. Such a relationship I have is one with my first Economics professor. He sparked my major interest and current obsession with Economics.

Although I do love UMW, I feel like my palate---Differnt kind of palate---"pallet" is for paint.--- is only being teased.

I have two reasons for my decision to transfer.

By allowing me to attend UVA, I plan to expand my knowledge and skills within the fields of Economics and Finance.

I ache for more ambitious peers to work with. I want to be the absolute best I can be academically and I want to do this at UVA.---These two sentences are heart felt and so great!

Accompanying my academic aspirations, ---No comma there--- are other, more personal agendas.

I truly want a place where I can achieve all my academic and professional dreams and I know UVA is the right environment for me.

You're a very good writer! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)
OP kevman 1 / 10  
Jul 14, 2011   #3
EF_Susan
Hey Susan thanks so much for the comments.

I facepalmed when I saw the pallet mistake!
OP kevman 1 / 10  
Jul 14, 2011   #4
"the storm clouds started to disperse and a little light shone on college life."

I'm starting to really dislike this sentence.

I don't think it sounds very good. Does anyone have any suggestions of a better metaphor or phase that better encapsulates the feeling of becoming happier after a stint of sadness? Or maybe its finding happiness in a new place? hmm...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Jul 16, 2011   #5
suggestions of a better metaphor

It's great if you can use a metaphor based on the THEME you maintain throughout the essay.

You need one magic word. You need a word or phrase that will stick in the reader's mind.

Such a relationship I have is one with my first Economics professor. He sparked my major declaration and current obsession with Economics. ---Do not write in a complex way unless it is necessary for clearly making a point. Always keep it simple:

I have such a relationship with my Economics professor.

He sparked my major declaration and current obsession with Economics. ----THIS is now your theme. You planted this sentence at the end of the first para, and the reader remembers it. Can you make this sentence more meaningful? Do not simply say what your major is. Give the reader a glimpse of your plan... your vision.

apostrophe:
father's


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