Hi guys,
This is the essay I plan to use for the Common App. I would really appreciate your honest feedback.
I am from China, so the essay might not be really good, but still, I am applying for the Huntsman Program of Wharton.
The prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Thank you
Pointing my index fingers to the sky, I bounced off the ground with my feet in the air. Excitement and relief rushed through me as I yelled out loud. After weeks of planning, meetings and rejections, I finally secured a sponsor for the Harbin No.3 Middle School Model United Nations conference for High school students in Heilongjiang. So. What's next?
It was a grandeur yet idealistic idea: holding the first ever Model UN for high school students across Heilongjiang province where the term "Model United Nations" was still a novelty. I went to the principal and elaborated my idea. She replied: "Great! We can provide the hardware that we already have, BUT for anything else, you have to figure it out on your own." That was hardly a surprising answer, as my school did not have the financial capacity to host a student conference. My teachers and friends were not really supportive when heard about my idea, but I knew that if I could not hold the conference, no one could ever do it. My head was streaming with questions, "Where was I supposed to acquire the money, and how can I get the best schools in the province to
participate in a student conference they had never even heard of?"
"Be practical, you've got to start planning instead of doubting yourself," I thought. For a whole week, I worked till midnight sitting in front of my computer designing the conference logo, writing introduction, consulting with my teachers on invitation letters, creating PDF files of background guides, etc. After integrating all my work into a presentation that introduced the conference idea and sponsor marketing package, I rehearsed many times in the school auditorium. I gave the presentation to all the members of my MUN community and was greeted with long applauses afterwards. "Now, brainstorm! We are going to do this!"
I called Harbin Beer, which sponsored a series of English Speaking Competitions a few years earlier. "You know, son, we are having financial problems at this moment, and what have we to gain when the participants of the conference are adolescent teenagers?" They had a good point.
Next, I went to Harbin New Oriental School. The headmaster was kind enough to receive me and let me do the presentation. "Fascinating, we would love to sponsor the conference, but we do not need the advertising at this moment." What euphemism...
Desperate and despondent, I indulged in the school library flipping through a stack of never up-to-date newspapers. Suddenly, I came across the news that ACT (American College Test) had established an authorized teaching center in Harbin. As a student who was struggling to understand the way the Admission Process of US colleges worked, I knew that there were thousands of brilliant high school students who wished to go to US colleges but never knew how. ACT can help them find the way only if it had the perfect outreaches.
I phoned the principal of the ACT center. "Interesting idea! Inspire me, come in at 2pm tomorrow, we can talk." Again, I presented my idea for the conference and the advertisement package despite the fickle facial expressions of the principal. "How much are you asking?" she said. "140,000 for the entire package," I responded. It was the longest moment in my life before she finally replied, "You shall have it, come in tomorrow, so we can discuss the contract." "Thank you", as I calmly walked out her door before hopping into the air.
P.S.Harbin No.3 Middle School Model United Nations Conference for High School Students was held on August 28th and 29th, with 3 committees and 110 delegates from 11 top high schools across Heilongjiang Province.
This is the essay I plan to use for the Common App. I would really appreciate your honest feedback.
I am from China, so the essay might not be really good, but still, I am applying for the Huntsman Program of Wharton.
The prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Thank you
Pointing my index fingers to the sky, I bounced off the ground with my feet in the air. Excitement and relief rushed through me as I yelled out loud. After weeks of planning, meetings and rejections, I finally secured a sponsor for the Harbin No.3 Middle School Model United Nations conference for High school students in Heilongjiang. So. What's next?
It was a grandeur yet idealistic idea: holding the first ever Model UN for high school students across Heilongjiang province where the term "Model United Nations" was still a novelty. I went to the principal and elaborated my idea. She replied: "Great! We can provide the hardware that we already have, BUT for anything else, you have to figure it out on your own." That was hardly a surprising answer, as my school did not have the financial capacity to host a student conference. My teachers and friends were not really supportive when heard about my idea, but I knew that if I could not hold the conference, no one could ever do it. My head was streaming with questions, "Where was I supposed to acquire the money, and how can I get the best schools in the province to
participate in a student conference they had never even heard of?"
"Be practical, you've got to start planning instead of doubting yourself," I thought. For a whole week, I worked till midnight sitting in front of my computer designing the conference logo, writing introduction, consulting with my teachers on invitation letters, creating PDF files of background guides, etc. After integrating all my work into a presentation that introduced the conference idea and sponsor marketing package, I rehearsed many times in the school auditorium. I gave the presentation to all the members of my MUN community and was greeted with long applauses afterwards. "Now, brainstorm! We are going to do this!"
I called Harbin Beer, which sponsored a series of English Speaking Competitions a few years earlier. "You know, son, we are having financial problems at this moment, and what have we to gain when the participants of the conference are adolescent teenagers?" They had a good point.
Next, I went to Harbin New Oriental School. The headmaster was kind enough to receive me and let me do the presentation. "Fascinating, we would love to sponsor the conference, but we do not need the advertising at this moment." What euphemism...
Desperate and despondent, I indulged in the school library flipping through a stack of never up-to-date newspapers. Suddenly, I came across the news that ACT (American College Test) had established an authorized teaching center in Harbin. As a student who was struggling to understand the way the Admission Process of US colleges worked, I knew that there were thousands of brilliant high school students who wished to go to US colleges but never knew how. ACT can help them find the way only if it had the perfect outreaches.
I phoned the principal of the ACT center. "Interesting idea! Inspire me, come in at 2pm tomorrow, we can talk." Again, I presented my idea for the conference and the advertisement package despite the fickle facial expressions of the principal. "How much are you asking?" she said. "140,000 for the entire package," I responded. It was the longest moment in my life before she finally replied, "You shall have it, come in tomorrow, so we can discuss the contract." "Thank you", as I calmly walked out her door before hopping into the air.
P.S.Harbin No.3 Middle School Model United Nations Conference for High School Students was held on August 28th and 29th, with 3 committees and 110 delegates from 11 top high schools across Heilongjiang Province.
